House on Haunted Hill (1999)
The Cast
Geoffrey Rush .... Stephen H. Price
Famke Janssen .... Evelyn Stockard-Price
Taye Diggs .... Eddie Baker
Peter Gallagher .... Donald W. Blackburn, M.D.
Chris Kattan .... Watson Pritchett
Ali Larter .... Sara Wolfe
Bridgette Wilson .... Melissa Margaret Marr
Max Perlich .... Carl Schecter
Lisa Loeb .... Channel 3 Reporter
James Marsters .... Channel 3 Cameraman
Colour me surprised. When I sat down to watch the 1999 remake of the 1959 Vincent Price classic House on Haunted Hill, I had no idea who directed it. Then I saw that it was William Malone, and that name still didn't register with me. After another pointless horror movie viewing, I sat down to check out what else the Malone had directed in his career, ready to make a mental note to avoid any of them that I'd had a passing interest in. There it was, staring me in the face. FearDotFuckingCom, the movie I can't wait to nominate for the future Worst Movie EVER Tournament. Words can't describe how vile I felt that movie was (though if you read my The Hills Have Eyes review, you might have a good idea), how it disgusted me that another human being "creatively" came up with that "film".
Here's the premise behind House on Haunted Hill (or Triple H if you like): rich guy offers $1 million each to a group of people to spend the night in a supposedly haunted house (it actually is the house that's haunted, not the hill as the title may mislead you). The only catch is that they have to survive the night. All the horror movie stereotypes are there, the hot babe (Wilson), the bitch (Janssen), the geek (Kattan), the black guy (Diggs), the virgin (Larter) and the eccentric rich guy that has more than a passing resemblance to Vincent Price (Rush). Feel free to pause the movie right after they've introduced themselves to one another and discuss amongst yourselves which one(s) you think will make it through the night.
The premise is alright, if not a bit overdone (it is a remake after all), and there's definitely a possibility to make a good movie somewhere in there. Just not here. Screenwriter Dick Beebe actually cameos in the movie, and I gave a silent cheer afterwards when I read that he was the first character to die in the movie. Then I saw Lisa Loeb as a TV reporter and James Fuckin' Marsters as her cameraman and Geoffrey Rush in all his Vincent Pricery glory and I thought that this might actually turn out to be not horrible. Turns out I was dead wrong, and I shake my head at giving yet another horror movie a chance to impress upon me the "quality" of it's genre.
It's not as bad as FearDotFuckingCom is, but it's a strong contender. Rush is the best part of the movie, but even that isn't saying much. Hell, Peter Gallagher phones in a performance that's pretty much second best for the movie, though some people might go with Taye Diggs or Ali Larter on that one. I long for the days when Larter starred as Whipped-Cream-Bikini girl, rather than her constant appearances in third-rate horror movies. At least in Varsity Blues she came out of it with some dignity.
What else? Terrible terrible horrible special effects for the House Ghost, even for 1999. Here's more reason to despise the makers of the film: they created the black evil thing at the end of the movie by taking images of nude women, mirrored them and then repeated the image hundreds of time. There's a pause reward for all you sickos out there, enjoy. There's little to nothing redeeming about this movie, avoid it at all costs, just so when you watch The O.C. you don't have the image of Sandy Cohen's decapitated head in your mind.
Oh yeah, that "colour me surprised" bit at the beginning of my review? That was sarcasm. This movie was horrid, though not on the abortion-level that FearDotFuckingCom resides on.
0.5 / 5