Batman & Robin (1997)
The Cast
Arnold Schwarzenegger .... Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries
George Clooney .... Batman/Bruce Wayne
Chris O'Donnell .... Robin/Dick Grayson
Uma Thurman .... Poison Ivy/Dr. Pamela Isley
Alicia Silverstone .... Batgirl/Barbara Wilson
Michael Gough .... Alfred Pennyworth
Pat Hingle .... Commissioner Gordon
John Glover .... Doctor Jason Woodrue
Elle Macpherson .... Julie Madison
Vivica A. Fox .... Ms. B. Haven
Jeep Swenson .... Bane
Sweet merciful crap, this is a terrible, terrible movie. I hadn't seen it since that fateful summer of '97, when my uncle gave me the free passes he won to check it out in the theatre. I was thinking to myself, immediately after losing a bet with twistedyouth, "It couldn't be that bad, could it?" It's actually much worse than I remembered. It is so bad, that you cannot even appreciate it as a B-movie. Joel Schumacher directed it, & I use that term loosely, because it comes across more like one of the movies Dr. Forrester inflicted upon poor Mike & Joel on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but with no snarky commentary.
The plot is as thin as ice & as contrived as, oh god, I have no idea. This movie nearly beat me, nearly sucked my will to review, because I foolishly watched it stone cold sober. The next time I watch this movie will be when hell freezes over, or to have a drunken commentary recording session. I have no idea how Clooney managed to still be a legitimate actor in Hollywood after this movie was released. Not to mention Uma, after this & then the crap that I heard The Avengers was. The rest of the cast, well, meh.
Basically, if you're a fan of Batman Begins, this movie will make you want to murder someone. If it's not the worst comic book movie ever made, it's certainly Top.. er... Bottom Five. Maybe someday, when I'm feeling particularily self-destructive or have an extreme case of self-loathing, I'll sit down & watch it again, with a notepad in front of me, to take detailed notes of all the atrocities that I view. Then I will stab out my eyes with an icepick so's that no one can ever inflict this torture upon me again.
It's like Schumacher watched Batman: The Movie & thought to himself "I know, I'll make them gayer," not knowing that most of the comic book industry held that movie & subsequent TV series in ill regard. There is no logic to anything in this movie, other than to potentially sell more merchandise. With a Batman credit card. Sweet fucking polar bear on an iceberg, Batman had a GODDAMNED CREDIT CARD WITH HIS NAME AS "BATMAN FOREVER" ON IT! That made me weep for the future of B-movies everywhere, because now corporations will throw their name on any shit movie, no matter how utterly crappy the movie looks like it's going to be. & when Schwarzenegger is cast as Mr. Freeze, you have to know it's going to be shit. Was Patrick Stewart not available?
Ugh. Plotholes you could shove the Batcave through, like when Alfred (Gough) is dying from MacGregor's Syndrome (WTF?!?!), & he entrusts his niece, Barbara (Silverstone), to send a message to his long-lost brother about taking over his position when Alfred dies. Of COURSE she's going to read it, & of COURSE she's going to go down to the Batcave. But Alfred cares so much for her well-being that he's fashioned her a Batgirl suit so she can go fight crime WITHOUT ANY TRAINING WHATSOVER! & Batman is okay with this, instead of just beating the living fuck out of her & his snivelling ward, Dick. I could go on & on & on but it pains me deep inside my cold heart to do it. This movie makes me welcome death.
I was almost going to give it a half point, for Uma's usage of the old bad guy standby "CURSES!" when her plans were foiled. But then they fucked that up by making me cringe, listening to Ahnuld say "Dake dwo of dese & call meh in the mahning." I was also going to give another half point for using Doctor Jason Woodrue in the movie, because eventually he becomes The Floronic Man in the comic books. But they fucked that up by having him, oh I dunno, DIE. Not that The Floronic Man would've put asses in the seats or anything. If you don't know why this movie is terribly shit, go ahead, watch it for yourself. Never, EVAR again for this guy. 0 outta 5.