No Holds Barred (1989)
The next target of my path of destruction - HULK HOGAN!
See, I was just browsing the internet, poking around for any reviews of this film so I could make sure I wasn't alone in my pure hatred of any and all Hulk Hogan flicks. Then I happened upon the All Movie Guide, where a regular user of crack/cocaine named Mark Deming writes the following: "Hulk Hogan, in an inarguably appropriate casting choice, plays a professional wrestler in this action-packed drama."
Wait a second... do my eyes deceive me, or did I just read 'action-packed drama'? Yes, that's right ladies and gents, this second-rate wrestling movie is actually labelled as a drama! I feel ashamed to have ever liked a drama movie now after realizing that this movie belongs in the same genre.
Er... wait... actually I don't really care.
Now we all know that Jesse Ventura and Roddy Piper have done some pretty shoddy semi-action flicks, but Hulk Hogan has to be the worst of the bunch. Piper at least has They Live to his credit and Ventura has.... *cough* Demolition Man... but Hulk Hogan in No Holds Barred actually does a horrible job playing the role of... get this: A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER!
That's right, Hogan plays himself in No Holds Barred. The only difference between Hogan's character Rip, and himself, is that Rip wears blue instead of the trademark yellow and red of Hulkamania. Rip does everything Hogan does... he pumps iron, he rides a motorcycle, heck... he even takes his vitamins and says his prayers brother!
Kurt Fuller gives a career-ending performance as Brell - a television executive who wants Rip, the wrestling champion, to wrestle on his network. Rip turns down the offer, because he already has a deal with another channel. Brell and his entourage of wussie television guys then proceed to hold their own wrestling show, going under the amazingly terror-inducing name: 'The Battle Of The Tough Guys'!
Yes! Someone got PAID to write a script for this movie!
So a bunch of toothless hicks with beer guts brawl in some bar until Zeus (Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr.) shows up and annhilates everyone with his ear-deafening screaming. Zeus lays down the challenge for Rip to fight him, but Rip still refuses to appear on the other network... until Zeus attacks Rip's noodley brother and puts him in the hospital! Now that is clearly a McMahon-influenced storyline. Except they need to throw a couple of abortions and casket matches in there to spice it up a bit. Rip goes to fight Zeus, the good guy wins, blah, blah, blah... oh, and there's also a love story between Rip and his assistant... or something.
This movie does have comedy value if you want to see Hogan in a gay sailor outfit doing exercises. "Don't wait up for me!" he mutters in the creepiest possible way. Of course, any possible laughs will soon be silenced when you remember that this crap led to an ANGLE in the WWF where Zeus actually fought Hulk Hogan in a DUD to rule all DUDs. And don't forget the eventual cage match in WCW where Hogan and Savage beat 27 guys at once! *sigh* The good old days...
After some very thorough analysis, I have discovered that this movie contains 15,652 sweaty male quasi-barbaric screams, and 85% of those come from Zeus. I'm convinced that he wins his fights by making his opponent's ears bleed to death. Just watch the horrific fight scenes, you'll hear them... well perhaps not, you may have hit the mute button on your television by this point. Or just turned it off. Or perhaps you've bludgeoned yourself to death with a spoon... I certainly wouldn't blame you for it. 1/10