Empire Records (1995)
You disappoint me, Topfive_reviews. I'm tired of your gushing 5/5's. I'm sick of reading about 'must see' films. As your resident connoisseur of crap, I must put a stop to this madness.
Some will argue that there's no such thing as a 'so bad it's good' category in movies/music/whatever. I slightly disagree. I actually enjoy suffering through a 'good' B-movie, as you might be able to tell... since I have an unhealthy obsession with MST3k. I actually get a kick out of watching boom mics creep into view at the top of the screen, I like watching Joe Don Baker blubber, belch, and blunder his beer gut through a movie, and I would TOTALLY mark out if I found out Treat Williams was coming back for another Substitute direct-to-video movie.
BUT - what happens when major Hollywood makes a bad movie? Well, that's when I sharpen up my swords and go in for the kill. If you have a budget, if you have the ability to cast some 'big name' actors for your film, there's simply no reason for your picture to suck. When they do suck, you can guarantee I'm going to be there, lining up a scathing review like this one for 1995's biggest piece of drek... please enjoy.
I've never seen a movie that is more stereotypical than Empire Records. Every one of the characters is so unbelievably shallow and one-dimensional it makes me want to vomit at the mere mention of the film's title.
Let's see: we've got the frustrated, middle-aged record store manager (Anthony LaPaglia), who was actually a musician once upon a time. We've got the typical 'stoner guy', who attempts to provide some comic relief. 'Attempt' is the key word there. The artist kid, who is looking to move on to bigger and better things, and glues quarters to the floor 'because he wants to'. The slutty chick that tries to get it on with every dude from here to Hanover. The goth chick, who wants to commit suicide for some unexplained reason. The preppy chick going to Harvard that loves everyone. The stupid Beatnik looking dude, who also attempts comic relief to no avail. The angst-ridden, gun toting youth who listens to hardcore rap and heavy metal. The jerk-off store owner, who tries to pawn off the Empire Records store to a national chain of music stores. Whoo... who's for a lobotomy?
I don't know how they did it, but every single person involved with this film made the spirit of being 'independent' seem totally uncool. If this is what being independent is all about, then call me the staunch conservative cardigan wearing dork any day of the week. This movie also draws my ire because it quotes The Doors, and nothing... NOTHING 'fucking angers' me more than the overrated idiot Jim Morrison (see Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese for a more scathing shoot on the man-devil).
Seriously… I’d rather work at MUSIC WORLD than Empire Records….
The story revolves around one day in the life of the Empire Records store: "Empire Records - open 'til midnight!" - yeah, I typically do my CD shopping at 11:57 PM on a Wednesday night. Anyway, the idiot beatnik guy finds out that the store is about to be sold off to a national chain of music stores, and decides to take the previous night's bankroll and blow it away in Atlantic City. Miraculously, he is not fired for it!
Let me repeat: HE STOLE $9,000 DOLLARS AND DOES NOT GET FIRED FOR IT! Man, I want to work at this store. The slutty chick (Renée Zellweger) has sex with their musical guest who was signing autographs at the store that day, and is not fired (gee, if you're attracting stars to sign autographs, you must not be doing THAT bad financially, eh?). The preppy chick (Liv Tyler) is revealed to be a speed-addict, and is not even reprimanded in the slightest for doing drugs on the clock. The stoner guy eats a brownie and then imagines that GWAR is eating him alive... or something. The angry kid brings a gun into the store, shoots holes in the wall (perhaps the worst job of firing a gun in the history of film, no blanks, no flash from the gun... in fact, the sound effect from the gun isn't even in time with the kid actually 'shooting' the gun.), steals CD's from the store, and is then OFFERED A JOB TO WORK THERE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Best of all, the entire staff of the store holds a mock funeral for the goth chick (Robin Tunney) who wants to kill herself. Screw running the damn store, let 'em steal, pillage, and rape... we've got to show this girl what her funeral would be like if she really did kill herself. Thanks Empire Records!
The movie culminates with the staff raising money to keep the Empire Records store away from the evil clutches of the national chain of stores, by throwing the stereotypical 'kegger' party with a horrible band playing. If you've seen any of the PCU style movies that have been coming out for years, it's basically the same damn thing as before. Will they get enough money? Ooohhh, I'm so incredibly captivated by this Oscar-winning story I can hardly contain my excitement! Pinch me!
There's also a love story subplot involving preppy chick and artist guy, but who really gives a shit? This movie makes me want to take a rusty butter knife and hack my sexual organs off. It makes me want to share a prison cell with RuPaul. It makes me want to sit through a marathon of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies... hell, I can't even award this a score of one, simply because that's a POSITIVE number, and there's absolutely nothing positive about this movie. Fuck you Empire Records, fuck you very much. 0/10
Some will argue that there's no such thing as a 'so bad it's good' category in movies/music/whatever. I slightly disagree. I actually enjoy suffering through a 'good' B-movie, as you might be able to tell... since I have an unhealthy obsession with MST3k. I actually get a kick out of watching boom mics creep into view at the top of the screen, I like watching Joe Don Baker blubber, belch, and blunder his beer gut through a movie, and I would TOTALLY mark out if I found out Treat Williams was coming back for another Substitute direct-to-video movie.
BUT - what happens when major Hollywood makes a bad movie? Well, that's when I sharpen up my swords and go in for the kill. If you have a budget, if you have the ability to cast some 'big name' actors for your film, there's simply no reason for your picture to suck. When they do suck, you can guarantee I'm going to be there, lining up a scathing review like this one for 1995's biggest piece of drek... please enjoy.
I've never seen a movie that is more stereotypical than Empire Records. Every one of the characters is so unbelievably shallow and one-dimensional it makes me want to vomit at the mere mention of the film's title.
Let's see: we've got the frustrated, middle-aged record store manager (Anthony LaPaglia), who was actually a musician once upon a time. We've got the typical 'stoner guy', who attempts to provide some comic relief. 'Attempt' is the key word there. The artist kid, who is looking to move on to bigger and better things, and glues quarters to the floor 'because he wants to'. The slutty chick that tries to get it on with every dude from here to Hanover. The goth chick, who wants to commit suicide for some unexplained reason. The preppy chick going to Harvard that loves everyone. The stupid Beatnik looking dude, who also attempts comic relief to no avail. The angst-ridden, gun toting youth who listens to hardcore rap and heavy metal. The jerk-off store owner, who tries to pawn off the Empire Records store to a national chain of music stores. Whoo... who's for a lobotomy?
I don't know how they did it, but every single person involved with this film made the spirit of being 'independent' seem totally uncool. If this is what being independent is all about, then call me the staunch conservative cardigan wearing dork any day of the week. This movie also draws my ire because it quotes The Doors, and nothing... NOTHING 'fucking angers' me more than the overrated idiot Jim Morrison (see Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese for a more scathing shoot on the man-devil).
Seriously… I’d rather work at MUSIC WORLD than Empire Records….
The story revolves around one day in the life of the Empire Records store: "Empire Records - open 'til midnight!" - yeah, I typically do my CD shopping at 11:57 PM on a Wednesday night. Anyway, the idiot beatnik guy finds out that the store is about to be sold off to a national chain of music stores, and decides to take the previous night's bankroll and blow it away in Atlantic City. Miraculously, he is not fired for it!
Let me repeat: HE STOLE $9,000 DOLLARS AND DOES NOT GET FIRED FOR IT! Man, I want to work at this store. The slutty chick (Renée Zellweger) has sex with their musical guest who was signing autographs at the store that day, and is not fired (gee, if you're attracting stars to sign autographs, you must not be doing THAT bad financially, eh?). The preppy chick (Liv Tyler) is revealed to be a speed-addict, and is not even reprimanded in the slightest for doing drugs on the clock. The stoner guy eats a brownie and then imagines that GWAR is eating him alive... or something. The angry kid brings a gun into the store, shoots holes in the wall (perhaps the worst job of firing a gun in the history of film, no blanks, no flash from the gun... in fact, the sound effect from the gun isn't even in time with the kid actually 'shooting' the gun.), steals CD's from the store, and is then OFFERED A JOB TO WORK THERE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Best of all, the entire staff of the store holds a mock funeral for the goth chick (Robin Tunney) who wants to kill herself. Screw running the damn store, let 'em steal, pillage, and rape... we've got to show this girl what her funeral would be like if she really did kill herself. Thanks Empire Records!
The movie culminates with the staff raising money to keep the Empire Records store away from the evil clutches of the national chain of stores, by throwing the stereotypical 'kegger' party with a horrible band playing. If you've seen any of the PCU style movies that have been coming out for years, it's basically the same damn thing as before. Will they get enough money? Ooohhh, I'm so incredibly captivated by this Oscar-winning story I can hardly contain my excitement! Pinch me!
There's also a love story subplot involving preppy chick and artist guy, but who really gives a shit? This movie makes me want to take a rusty butter knife and hack my sexual organs off. It makes me want to share a prison cell with RuPaul. It makes me want to sit through a marathon of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies... hell, I can't even award this a score of one, simply because that's a POSITIVE number, and there's absolutely nothing positive about this movie. Fuck you Empire Records, fuck you very much. 0/10