(no subject)
Someone posted pictures today. I'm glad they did, but it's a strange and painful thing, to see his name come up as if he were still around and doing things. I am having a hard time with this, with the progression of this, with the first photo I've seen of him the age we were the last time we met up. The idea that there is nothing left behind the eyes of these photos, that they are not a window onto a smiling moving living person, that there will never be anything to add to these. He's gone. I see him like spots on the edges of my vision, moving away with the movement of my eye, just out of reach. There's a three-second delay when I think of him where it's not true yet, even when his death is the thought that brings him to my mind. An inverted image of his brightness against my eyelids for a few moments before it fades into knowing, layered on top of not knowing not accepting not believing. I try to picture his grave, a round stone with his name and his birthday (just before mine), and one word swells in my ears and crowds the image out. How? How could this thing be true? Not why, not what happened, just - how? How could the fabric of reality stretch far enough to allow for this? How can this be accepted and believed and known? How?
