my stomach is like my ego it keeps shitting what i fear...
*please read if you have said to someone else or to me or to yourself "what the hell is up with nora lately?"
*warning this is really scattered. it is writing for the sake of writing not trying to be poetic.
the past couple have weeks have been a blur. they have been tear filled, laughter filled, and busy as fuck. im not even sure what if anything i want to say about said weeks but i feel like i need to get it out.
i used to write all the time. i used to write about everything and even make up a bunch of stories but i havent felt motivated to do it and i guess i just dont find it as cathartic as i once did.
i guess ill start with maryland. maryland ruled. i hung out with my family who i havent seen in years and it was incredible to see how similar i am to my cousin mike. also, mike has a three year old daughter rachel who had a brain tumor and just finished her last round of chemo. she is THE MOST WONDERFUL CHILD I HAVE EVER MET. she was so sweet and kind. she was patient. she was not cranky and demanding. having worked a great deal with children who suffer from cancer and other serious illnesses in the past, i can honestly say this is a special little girl. she really made me pumped to be alive when i was around her. she fell asleep next to me. she told her oncology nurses "this is my cousin nora. we have pink shirts. brown shoes. and bruises on our legs" it made me laugh so hard. she held my hand and sang songs with me. im just so glad i got to hang out with her and i know i wont be so quick to feel sorry for myself anymore. if she can be so strong, so can i.
that being said i still need to get some shit said. i feel this sense of panic overwhelming me. i am so preoccupied with making sure i dont get hurt anymore. i dont want to be taken by surprise. i dont want to be left with a sense of loss. loss is what frightens me more than anything else in this world. at times i wish i had some sense of spirituality just so i would be able to have something to believe in when i felt so alone.
however, i am happy right now believe it or not. there are so many wonderful people in my life. and i am so grateful for all the new ones i have been meeting as a result of kelly's death. its a pretty shameful parting gift but one that i can hold onto nonetheless.
i feel like i am making some sort of cosmic difference in the world by continuing to fight the good fight in both my professional and my personal life. but im tired. and im fed up. and i need to find some sort of balance.
i want more good for everyone in my life. i wish i could spoil all the people that i love because these are the people that deserve comfort and happiness. they are the wonderful people who live their lives kindly.
kindness is a dying art form. there are few in this world who take the time to say "have i been good enough for others?" rather than "have others been good to me?"
i dont know why i should get bummed out about people being crappy to one another now. its always been that way i suppose but i guess it all comes down to attitude.
thats one thing i cant cant hold against myself.i have a fucking good attitude and thats all that really matters when it comes down to it.
i really would like everything to flow more smoothly. i really would like to have some stability in my life but those things will come. right now i have a sunburn and some beer and a really sweet mix on my ipod. haha
my nephew is having his surgery tomorrow. im so nervous and the anticipation is killing me. i just want him to be alright. i want my sister to be able to take a deep breath and have a couple good months in a row! she also has to put her dog down today cause after they spent a total of 10,000 to save his life when he got hit by the car, his liver failed and now he needs to be put down.
fate is ridiculous.
im really jealous of everyone who has dreams with kelly in them. i want to see her face and hear her voice and i want her to sing the bouncing souls to me. i also want her to tell me that she is ok and that im going to be ok. its fucked up i know but i dont know what else to wish for right now.
and right now i want an ice pop. jesus. i want alot of things.
nate always tells me that im being to hard on myself. too critical. i expect too much from myself and dont give myself time to heal.
i think in alot of ways thats true. but i also have been through so much in the last ten years that im ready for a positive outlook even if it kills me. haha.
i dont want to waste my time feeling lousy for myself. i want to take what i need to from the catastrophe that is my day to day and keep going forward.
if someone could write a short essay telling me who i am, where im going, if i really want to go there, and whether or not i can relax for awhile and let go of some of the control ive kept so near to my heart for the past 7 years, i would really appreciate that. thanks.
if you actually read this crap, you get a sticker.
*warning this is really scattered. it is writing for the sake of writing not trying to be poetic.
the past couple have weeks have been a blur. they have been tear filled, laughter filled, and busy as fuck. im not even sure what if anything i want to say about said weeks but i feel like i need to get it out.
i used to write all the time. i used to write about everything and even make up a bunch of stories but i havent felt motivated to do it and i guess i just dont find it as cathartic as i once did.
i guess ill start with maryland. maryland ruled. i hung out with my family who i havent seen in years and it was incredible to see how similar i am to my cousin mike. also, mike has a three year old daughter rachel who had a brain tumor and just finished her last round of chemo. she is THE MOST WONDERFUL CHILD I HAVE EVER MET. she was so sweet and kind. she was patient. she was not cranky and demanding. having worked a great deal with children who suffer from cancer and other serious illnesses in the past, i can honestly say this is a special little girl. she really made me pumped to be alive when i was around her. she fell asleep next to me. she told her oncology nurses "this is my cousin nora. we have pink shirts. brown shoes. and bruises on our legs" it made me laugh so hard. she held my hand and sang songs with me. im just so glad i got to hang out with her and i know i wont be so quick to feel sorry for myself anymore. if she can be so strong, so can i.
that being said i still need to get some shit said. i feel this sense of panic overwhelming me. i am so preoccupied with making sure i dont get hurt anymore. i dont want to be taken by surprise. i dont want to be left with a sense of loss. loss is what frightens me more than anything else in this world. at times i wish i had some sense of spirituality just so i would be able to have something to believe in when i felt so alone.
however, i am happy right now believe it or not. there are so many wonderful people in my life. and i am so grateful for all the new ones i have been meeting as a result of kelly's death. its a pretty shameful parting gift but one that i can hold onto nonetheless.
i feel like i am making some sort of cosmic difference in the world by continuing to fight the good fight in both my professional and my personal life. but im tired. and im fed up. and i need to find some sort of balance.
i want more good for everyone in my life. i wish i could spoil all the people that i love because these are the people that deserve comfort and happiness. they are the wonderful people who live their lives kindly.
kindness is a dying art form. there are few in this world who take the time to say "have i been good enough for others?" rather than "have others been good to me?"
i dont know why i should get bummed out about people being crappy to one another now. its always been that way i suppose but i guess it all comes down to attitude.
thats one thing i cant cant hold against myself.i have a fucking good attitude and thats all that really matters when it comes down to it.
i really would like everything to flow more smoothly. i really would like to have some stability in my life but those things will come. right now i have a sunburn and some beer and a really sweet mix on my ipod. haha
my nephew is having his surgery tomorrow. im so nervous and the anticipation is killing me. i just want him to be alright. i want my sister to be able to take a deep breath and have a couple good months in a row! she also has to put her dog down today cause after they spent a total of 10,000 to save his life when he got hit by the car, his liver failed and now he needs to be put down.
fate is ridiculous.
im really jealous of everyone who has dreams with kelly in them. i want to see her face and hear her voice and i want her to sing the bouncing souls to me. i also want her to tell me that she is ok and that im going to be ok. its fucked up i know but i dont know what else to wish for right now.
and right now i want an ice pop. jesus. i want alot of things.
nate always tells me that im being to hard on myself. too critical. i expect too much from myself and dont give myself time to heal.
i think in alot of ways thats true. but i also have been through so much in the last ten years that im ready for a positive outlook even if it kills me. haha.
i dont want to waste my time feeling lousy for myself. i want to take what i need to from the catastrophe that is my day to day and keep going forward.
if someone could write a short essay telling me who i am, where im going, if i really want to go there, and whether or not i can relax for awhile and let go of some of the control ive kept so near to my heart for the past 7 years, i would really appreciate that. thanks.
if you actually read this crap, you get a sticker.