(no subject)
ok well. i learned that its so easy to put trust in people. i dealt with the situation ok. because thats what i do. i try to be a decent person, i try to be nice. but at the end of the day being nice doesnt aslways getyou anywhere. because you get walked over. and i dont mind becaus ei can get used to that. but i always expect more. and i guess i should learn not to expect more. because im rarely gonna get it. i always try to be a good friend. i miss rosie so much. if she was here everything would be ok because shed tell me that i didnt deserve it and wed cuddle on the sofa with apple juice and tea and watch shit on the telly. and like every other time shed pick me up. because shes my best friend in the world. and im hers. and thats what we do. and wed be laughing about somthing obscene. but shes not here. and im having to sort myself out. and my mums not here to give me a cuddle. shes away and im on my own. i thought i didnt care. i thought that i would be fine. and i acted fine because thats what i do. and i understand that these people had there reasons. but id never done anything like that to them. and i wont bring it up again after this. i just dont feel very good. i feel ill and my best friend is miles away. and i dont know what to be thinking. quite a damn few of the friendships i had i realised were more makshift than i thought. i realised wernt actually much like friendships at all. and thats ok i guess. wel all be friends. i just i dunno. everything can be fien for a while. but i realsi eim still crying... and i dont know what i want or what im looking for. i dont have the pushing power to carry on on my own. and i know i have to have it. so by pretending in times like these i get throo. i just wish it was easier. i know thinsg will be ok soon. cus me or someone special will make them ok. but at the moment i dont know what to do or say. i dont know how to act. i feel like things are slipping away a bit and its all rushing by. and i know it will feel different soon. sarah youv been great. dunno what id of done without you. i just. dunno anymore. dunno waht to say. tears keep streaming down my face and no matter how hard i try i cannot seam to choke them back. no matter how hard i try to talk about it the words seem to get caught in my throat. no matter how far i try to walk my feet seem to keep slippin from underneath me and the few people that have always caufght me, i cant seem to see because theer away or im just not looking hard enough. i try to block out my thoughts but they still dig and pick at my insides. my defences arnt any good when the person im defending myself against is myself. i try to sleep by i seam to be lying awake until 5 in the morning and i havent got anywhere. i havent slept. and i dont know what to do. i need to get up and pull myself together. an di will. dont worry il be fine. im lonely but il be fine. im crying but il pick a line, from a song, move along and be strong. becasue i have no choice. im not broken. im momentarily splitting at the seams. sorry. i suck.