taking someone's advice ;-)
I haven't updated in a really long time. A lot seems to be different. My life is definitely in a good place at the moment, and up until a few days ago I felt the best I'd felt in awhile, maybe ever. However, I lost my grandma a few days ago. I could go into a long entry about the amazing person she was, what she did for me, and how much I just want to lay down and never get up again when I think of her, but there are no real words to convey the horrible feelings that I've been having. Unfortunately, this isn't my first experience with death, so I do know I will be "okay" eventually.. I just don't want to be. For the first time in the past few weeks I've understood what I've learned about in class about how people who grieve feel pain most of the time because in a way it keeps the person here. It keeps them more real. I don't want to be okay, because HELLO?! my grandma died, nobody should be okay with that! The one thing that being a psych student has given me is that I know I'm dealing normally, as abnormal as I may feel at times. It's awesome to know that what you think is crazy is actually normal. Like my anger lately. And it's anger that doesn't appear to have any relation to losing my grandma. I'm just very very angry. It's actually funny, I'm so angry that i feel like I'm experiencing anger in a totally new dimension. I feel like I need to punch the crap out of something while screaming on the top of my lungs, and maaybe, just maybe I'll feel a teeny bit better. Unfortunately for me, there are no people willing to be beaten, and pillows just don't do it for me. I just need to freak the crap OUT! The other night I was up crying for three hours straight. I never knew a person could have that much water in their body, but apparently mine is never-ending. I'm seriously not even looking for pity, because pity would just make me angrier at the moment honestly. No you don't know how it feels, no it's not for the best, she may be in a better place but i want her here and NO I'M NOT OKAY!! I will always miss her, I will always be hurt and things will NOT be the same again.
It's very weird for me to have this random rage, but I know that while it appears to be from other things, it's because of my grandma. I'm not usually an angry person, so it's unnerving for me to feel SOO mad ALL the time.
I just DON'T understand. I DON'T! It's not FAIR. How am I supposed to have a life without her in it? How can I go on laughing and living and being young when she's not alive anymore? How? I think that my anger will go away when I can answer those questions for myself. Nobody answer them to try to make me feel better, because like I said, I'm too angry. You don't know her, so don't start saying "Because she would want you to" You'd have no idea what you were talking about, you've never even seen her. You've never heard her voice. So don't even try.
Just taking a friend's advice to relieve the anger.. and I have to say, being blunt and angry did help. Thanks:-D
It's very weird for me to have this random rage, but I know that while it appears to be from other things, it's because of my grandma. I'm not usually an angry person, so it's unnerving for me to feel SOO mad ALL the time.
I just DON'T understand. I DON'T! It's not FAIR. How am I supposed to have a life without her in it? How can I go on laughing and living and being young when she's not alive anymore? How? I think that my anger will go away when I can answer those questions for myself. Nobody answer them to try to make me feel better, because like I said, I'm too angry. You don't know her, so don't start saying "Because she would want you to" You'd have no idea what you were talking about, you've never even seen her. You've never heard her voice. So don't even try.
Just taking a friend's advice to relieve the anger.. and I have to say, being blunt and angry did help. Thanks:-D