(no subject)
I had an ephiphany today. It was that I'm not a kid anymore. And it didn't exactly scare me, which I'm taking as a good sign. I sat and really looked back on my life, and realized how far I've come. I've grown a lot. I really am not the angry, irrational highschooler that I sometimes was. I realized it even more so today. My cousin is like a sister to me, and she's almost exactly 11 months older than me. I saw her fighting (extremely intensely I might add) with her mother. She absolutely had her reasons to be as angry as she was, and though it may seem like I'm saying I'm more mature than she is, it has absolutely nothing to do with her maturity level. Just watching her, and the way she was acting, I realized that way back when, I used to act that way with my parents and family. So angry. The fact that I was horrified by the way she was acting, just shows how much I grew. She had every reason to be that angry though, so thats no knock to her actions, lol. Another time was dropping my little brother off at the airport with my uncle. He's just so old now! Which in turn makes me older! He's a good kid, regardless of anything. He's got a good heart, and I love him more than he'll ever be able to realize. Also, talking to him, I realized how much I miss my sisters. All of them. I miss my little sister because I feel like I'm missing the "big sister" responsibilities, something I try to make up for with constant calls. And with my older sisters, I know I missed (and they missed) a lot. Regardless of how much of an asshole my father was, they're my sisters. They didn't do anything. And my oldest sister has three kids, only one of whom probably even remembers me. I'm an aunt, and I haven't really done that well with that. I'm going to start to fix that this summer. I want my sisters in my life, and I want to be in theirs. My oldest sister has tried so hard to get me involved and it makes my throat tighten when I think of how indifferent I've seemed. They are my blood. My sister Denise (who I had a serious love-hate relationship with) has gotten so much more open to me. And I also have realized as much as I love living in a house, I prefer living on my own (well with Em). I do like the own room deal though! I'm sure it'll get old soon. But by then I'll be back in my larger, sunnier room with the best roommate ever, in the best building ever. I'm just lovin where I am right now. Loving that I feel like I can handle everything and anything thrown my way (probably because I HAVE handled pretty much anything a person can), that I have the best family in the world, people who have made me who I am today, and the few best friends I could ever ask for. I don't need huge groups of friends. I'm a quality over quantity kinda person. ;-) You all know who you are. The ones who've stayed close through thick (really thick at times!) and thin, and made it through the years. The one who knew me at my worst and my best. I love you all very, very much.