(no subject)

[tootsie831]

"How can I follow my heart when my heart is lost?" I second Reese's motion on wanting to at least have a reason for having a bad day. At least then I'd know where I stand. I took a long walk on the beach yesterday. I don't really know why, but I just drove and found myself there. I walked probably longer than I ever have. I skipped rocks for a long time, and thought about, well everything since before I can remember. I know my entries lately have been all happy, and about how great everything is. And it is good. I just.. I know somethings missing. It's not me being greedy and thinking I deserve anything more. It's not something missing externally. Something's missing with me. Something I can't explain. The few conclusions I could come to yesterday had a lot to do with being alone or lonely. The impact of my family being 1,200 miles away is starting to weigh down on me. I find myself reassuring myself more and more that I can make it through it all, which kind of makes me question if its true or if I want it to be. I realized that everything's changing and I don't know how to deal with it, because I don't know how everything's going to end up yet. If I knew where I stood I'd feel much more stable. I'm a fixed Sign, we dont do well with just "waiting it out." And I realized what my greatest fear is. It blindsided me. When I'm asked, I usually say "death of a family member, dying alone" all true fears, but not my greatest fear. My greatest worry is that all this doubt, and uncertainty, and fear of mediocrity will one day completely take over. And my greatest fear is that it will overwhelm me to the point where I'll feel no other choice than to give up. In realizing my biggest fear, I realized the biggest reason why Marisa's death affects me so much to this day. She showed me that that is possible. She showed me that a person I felt had everything to live for, still has the capacity to feel that they are not worth living. And I guess, if she can feel that way, my fear is, why can't I someday feel that way? I tell people all the time that I never want to be this age again, and I truly, truly don't. Maybe it's because I take life extremely seriously, and maybe that's because of all I've seen that most people my age haven't, but I am not a carefree college student. I don't see this as the time to go crazy and do stupid things. I see this as the time where I choose the direction I'm going to go for the rest of my life, and the weight of that decision is starting to make me feel extremely, extremely lost. I feel like I'm going to end up unhappy no matter what I do, so in turn I doubt a lot of the decisions I make. I just feel lost.

I'm gonna go try and relax after that extremely draining entry.

much love loves