(no subject)
Original here.
I get very little sleep. I could really do with more. There is an old, well-known (not by me) way of falling asleep: to count sheep jumping over a fence in one's mind. My imagination is powerful, I thought, so why not try it out?
Honestly, I'd never thought it could be so complicated.
First I imagined a green pasture, placed a fence across it, and put some sheep on one side. The sheep spread out over the pasture and foraged lazily on the grass. The problem, it seemed, was that I had never actually seen a jumping sheep before. All the sheep I had previously encountered on life's path were phlegmatic animals, plump and reluctant to partake in physical exercise. These, too, had no inclination to reach the other side of the pasture. "They lack motivation", I realised. And I covered the pasture with concrete. The sheep discovered they no longer had any grass, and the whole herd in unison charged for the other side; toppling the fence.
Naturally so. Queues are a purely human invention; how are sheep to know that they must cross the fence strictly one by one, in order and with no shoving?
With a thought I sent the sheep back over, remade the fence and raised it a couple of metres higher so not a single sheep could escape. I also added a narrow corridor with a turnstile, that would permit the sheep to approach one by one, and made the fence lower in that spot.
Some of the sheep made use of this system. They went through the gates, jumped, landed heavily on the other side, and waddled onwards along their way. Others, however, not wanting to wait for their turn, became enraged and gathered to take the fence by storm.
I raised the fence once more, fixed the hole and fortified it with strong oak supports. Particularly determined sheep battered against it for a while longer, but couldn't topple it again. So they began to pole vault. After recovering from my initial surprise, I raised the fence a further three metres. In response, the sheep brought out a battering ram and siege ladders.
I remade the fence in concrete, stretched barbed wire along the top, electrified it and put up watchtowers with machine gun emplacements.
The sheep dragged out the artillery, sent tanks and airdropped from helicopters.
Antiaircraft guns fired rapidly from the fortifications. Sheep sappers dug under the ground.
The battle still raged on when I discovered it was time to get up and go to work.
How, precisely, is one supposed to sleep?