i got what it takes to rock the mic right, yeah!
i am what you would call "a bleeder". bummed.
and i do know that i love jesse and would do anything for her and she is the the most totally in the totalliest way. deep down inside i am possibly the happiest human ever.. i just wish it could reach the surface.
i always think that i need someone else to make me happy but i know in order for that to truely happen i need to make myself happy which i do for the most part. i just need to not depend on anyone for my happiness. it's not healthy.
anyway.. i came home lastnight. i might stay here another night. and maybe another one. who knows. nothing ever goes on in providence so i really just sit in rich's bed all day and night which gets to me so why not be up here? although if i get money from my mom i might go to 80's night and get waaaaaasted. but i don't even think i want to do that.
i'm feeling strange lately. pretty numb. like i don't really hate anyone or anything. weird right? not really.. i just don't care anymore. caring is ooover rated. ok, i lied. i still do care but just not nearly as much as i used to. i care to the minimum and i haven't been raging or yelling and i'm very calm about things bothering me, it's weird. i only stress myself out. if the party i'm caring about doesn't care. why should i? it makes sense. trust me. it's not like me to just not care as much but i need to do this. i haven't had any anxiety attacks lately which is very good. i don't feel like i'm dying anymore. see what not caring does for me? makes me feel alive!
i almost gave in and called ryan back lastnight but then i realized i needed to be strong. and jesse said no! so.. i didnt. i might call him back tonight. we'll see how bored i get. maybe i'll just sleep for 3 days straight and just wake up for the real world and the OC. it's possible.
i wish i had my friends back up in upton.. i think i would probably love it up here if i did so then i would at least have people to hang out with other than melissa when dave will let her. good job for losing touch of everyone when you moved to providence 2 years ago. thanks.
well, dawson's creek is on. i'm going to go finish watching the rest of it.
hearts.
and i do know that i love jesse and would do anything for her and she is the the most totally in the totalliest way. deep down inside i am possibly the happiest human ever.. i just wish it could reach the surface.
i always think that i need someone else to make me happy but i know in order for that to truely happen i need to make myself happy which i do for the most part. i just need to not depend on anyone for my happiness. it's not healthy.
anyway.. i came home lastnight. i might stay here another night. and maybe another one. who knows. nothing ever goes on in providence so i really just sit in rich's bed all day and night which gets to me so why not be up here? although if i get money from my mom i might go to 80's night and get waaaaaasted. but i don't even think i want to do that.
i'm feeling strange lately. pretty numb. like i don't really hate anyone or anything. weird right? not really.. i just don't care anymore. caring is ooover rated. ok, i lied. i still do care but just not nearly as much as i used to. i care to the minimum and i haven't been raging or yelling and i'm very calm about things bothering me, it's weird. i only stress myself out. if the party i'm caring about doesn't care. why should i? it makes sense. trust me. it's not like me to just not care as much but i need to do this. i haven't had any anxiety attacks lately which is very good. i don't feel like i'm dying anymore. see what not caring does for me? makes me feel alive!
i almost gave in and called ryan back lastnight but then i realized i needed to be strong. and jesse said no! so.. i didnt. i might call him back tonight. we'll see how bored i get. maybe i'll just sleep for 3 days straight and just wake up for the real world and the OC. it's possible.
i wish i had my friends back up in upton.. i think i would probably love it up here if i did so then i would at least have people to hang out with other than melissa when dave will let her. good job for losing touch of everyone when you moved to providence 2 years ago. thanks.
well, dawson's creek is on. i'm going to go finish watching the rest of it.
hearts.