what now?
It's a slow day. I find that a lot of days are like that as I get older. The sun is beating into the apartment, and I feel so content.
Lauren is washing dishes in the kitchen...
Alissa is studying on the couch...
and Java is lying next to me in a sunbeam.
I constantly remind myself that I have so much to do with my life. So much that I don't even know I need to do. I get distraught thinking about everything I should be doing. I feel like I should be in school, or at the very least working at a job that pays a little more than shit.
Lying in bed this morning, I told Lauren I was a muse. When first hearing that people might think I'm just being self-absorbed. But I'm not self-absorbed. It's all this big stupid front. I'm actually really self-conscious...but, for whatever reason I'd rather people think that I'm full of myself than really know how self-conscious I am. Anyway, a muse isn't something all that great really. They're just inspiration. They don't really have any talents or anything for that matter. I feel that all I have is my alright looks...that and my ability to manipulate a situation. I convince people they're in love me...at least that's how it feels. It feels like I have nothing to offer...but that I just really know how to sell myself.
Still...there are good things about me. Deep down I know that. It's just that I see all the people around me, and it seems like they're going somewhere. They're doing things with their lives. Me? Just hoping I'll be good-looking enough for someone who'll want to take me with them? Ugh. That's not enough. I want to do something...be something.
Lauren is washing dishes in the kitchen...
Alissa is studying on the couch...
and Java is lying next to me in a sunbeam.
I constantly remind myself that I have so much to do with my life. So much that I don't even know I need to do. I get distraught thinking about everything I should be doing. I feel like I should be in school, or at the very least working at a job that pays a little more than shit.
Lying in bed this morning, I told Lauren I was a muse. When first hearing that people might think I'm just being self-absorbed. But I'm not self-absorbed. It's all this big stupid front. I'm actually really self-conscious...but, for whatever reason I'd rather people think that I'm full of myself than really know how self-conscious I am. Anyway, a muse isn't something all that great really. They're just inspiration. They don't really have any talents or anything for that matter. I feel that all I have is my alright looks...that and my ability to manipulate a situation. I convince people they're in love me...at least that's how it feels. It feels like I have nothing to offer...but that I just really know how to sell myself.
Still...there are good things about me. Deep down I know that. It's just that I see all the people around me, and it seems like they're going somewhere. They're doing things with their lives. Me? Just hoping I'll be good-looking enough for someone who'll want to take me with them? Ugh. That's not enough. I want to do something...be something.