if you know who i am...or where to find me, let me know...
so i'm having one of those days...one of those months...one of those years.
self discovery. pain. confusion.
is coming out just like this?
but i'm already out. i couldn't be more out.
but i think, no i know...i'm still struggling with it.
i don't know what i want, or even what i want to be. i want to be me, of course, but i'm so god-damned confused that i don't even know who "me" is anymore.
where are all the god-damned, sane, hot, nice lesbians?
not on this planet...no ma'am.
after being in the homo-dating seen for a few months now, i've come to find out i'm this cute little goldfish who'll just get swallowed whole by all the dyke-sharks if i venture too far out of my comfortable shallow waters. it's true, oh yes...it is.
everytime i see a young, semi-attractive lesbian, my mind begins to wander. i'm like..."i wonder if she knows i know she's gay...and if she knows i'm gay...and if she's attracted to me, or my type..." Yeah, my brain actually allows this type of behavior. i never say anything...and the one time i do...the one time i have the balls to get a number...ah, well...we all know what happened there. i fall flat on my face and the lesbian mafia is there to eat me alive...ah, and not in the good way.
so yeah. who am i? what do i want? where do i find it?
i don't know. i have no fucking clue.
at this point, maybe nancy's right...maybe i do need to become a nun.
i wish i could get to that comfortable point of just being gay. no bullshit, no difficulties...well, it'll always be difficult. but, like...no weird insecurities. just knowing, without worrying about it. without worrying that getting laid, or more so...finding a partner that i might actually want to spend the rest of my life is going to be so fucking impossible. i'm so scared. i don't think i've ever been so unsure and afraid in my life.
i feel like such a flake. nothing feels real anymore. nothing feels like home. i'm so lost. i know...i bitch too much. fuck that, no i don't. i hardly bitch at all. i barely graze the surface of this shit with anyone. why should i? everyone has their own shit to deal with.
damn it's early. i suppose i should get to bed before the sun comes up...
self discovery. pain. confusion.
is coming out just like this?
but i'm already out. i couldn't be more out.
but i think, no i know...i'm still struggling with it.
i don't know what i want, or even what i want to be. i want to be me, of course, but i'm so god-damned confused that i don't even know who "me" is anymore.
where are all the god-damned, sane, hot, nice lesbians?
not on this planet...no ma'am.
after being in the homo-dating seen for a few months now, i've come to find out i'm this cute little goldfish who'll just get swallowed whole by all the dyke-sharks if i venture too far out of my comfortable shallow waters. it's true, oh yes...it is.
everytime i see a young, semi-attractive lesbian, my mind begins to wander. i'm like..."i wonder if she knows i know she's gay...and if she knows i'm gay...and if she's attracted to me, or my type..." Yeah, my brain actually allows this type of behavior. i never say anything...and the one time i do...the one time i have the balls to get a number...ah, well...we all know what happened there. i fall flat on my face and the lesbian mafia is there to eat me alive...ah, and not in the good way.
so yeah. who am i? what do i want? where do i find it?
i don't know. i have no fucking clue.
at this point, maybe nancy's right...maybe i do need to become a nun.
i wish i could get to that comfortable point of just being gay. no bullshit, no difficulties...well, it'll always be difficult. but, like...no weird insecurities. just knowing, without worrying about it. without worrying that getting laid, or more so...finding a partner that i might actually want to spend the rest of my life is going to be so fucking impossible. i'm so scared. i don't think i've ever been so unsure and afraid in my life.
i feel like such a flake. nothing feels real anymore. nothing feels like home. i'm so lost. i know...i bitch too much. fuck that, no i don't. i hardly bitch at all. i barely graze the surface of this shit with anyone. why should i? everyone has their own shit to deal with.
damn it's early. i suppose i should get to bed before the sun comes up...