Live Journal Revival
I've decided to re-embrace my livejournal. I doubt anyone will read it but it will make me feel better. Not that I feel bad, in fact, I feel great. But at the current moment I'm in a fight with Jon which I don't really know what to do about. This said fight also brought up feelings of what happened with Bailey.
In case someone is reading this, I was childhood friends with Bailey and then after a really silly fight, she decided that she hated me, had someone else tell me, then wrote an extremely cruel letter to me telling me what I horrible person I am. I never got any closure from this and I just can't see how I ever could. I could say something to her but I don't know what I would say. What do you say to something like that?
And then Jon misintepreted somethng simple I said and we got into this huge arguement. I told him how I was really happy but I felt like I wanted something more. As in I was feeling so happy that I feel like I can do more and get more out of being here at college and I realized I want that. He took it as I have a void in my life to fill, telling me I should consider coming back to the church. Then he went on to tell me how I've changed since highschool, that I don't hang out with good people, that I hang out with Brandon too much, that I don't have enough good(as in moral) friends, and I'm more self-centered in my life since highschool. I don't understand it though, he's always known I'm not keen on the church, but maybe he was in denial. I think he's completely out of line on this one. I can't help I've had a hard time meeting people this year which brings me to hang out with Brandon more. The first couple months of school, the most important meeting people months, I spent with that group, shielding me from potential friends. Next year will be promising given that I will be in a co-ed dorm with more relaxed people. I don't feel ok with him judging my friends, msot of whom he has never even met. I hope he comes to his senses and doesn't decide we shouldn't be friends or something as extreme as that.
Because, really, I don't think I'm a bad person, I think I've often made bad choices about who I'm friends with though. Maybe I'm scared of new people, that they will turn out like Bailey. I doubt it, maybe I should try harder, start more conversations. I really do value Jon though, he means a lot to me, I hope he can learn to accept me for who I am though, and realize that I can't be as pure as he wants me to be.
I must say, this is a depressing first entry but so no one is unclear, I am very happy right now. I do wish to meet more people but that's not something you can just go out and do, it just has to happen. I've started eating healthier though, and I've started walking around the lake which is 2.2miles. The extra 1.2 miles makes me feel like an overachiever since most trails are a mile. My hair has also been growing out which gives me great joy for many reasons. The other two things making me very happy are that I found a new pair of baggy pants in my closet which a friend had given me and I had forgotten about. The other is that I'm feeling very confident about wanting to get a Women's Studies minor and contemplating grad. school. I think I should try writing again though, I haven't done it since last semester when I took creative writing. I think now though I should go read and look at the pretty lake.
Love and Sunshine,
Ginny