(no subject)
i'm finding a sort of pleasure in the extremes of my daily routine right now
waking up at 6am for work, and going to bed too late
i know it's a little "common people" to say this, but i like going in my work clothes, half-asleep, to a friendly cafe and chatting to the people that work there, reading tabloid newspapers and eating breakfast for lunch ... sobering up to the thought that i have to walk home in the drizzle
i walked in something remarkably heavier than a drizzle yesterday to see hub play at trash... i've caught a cold. this weekend is too big to be poorly though! but it was worth it because i think it was one of their best performances... i still think i prefer the first time i saw them at royal park cellars, although i might be biased there.
playing with them at workhouse next weekend is both a complete amalgamation of all my previous anxieties and potentially the best representation on how far i've come in a year. in fact, i can say now that just the idea of next weekend is a bigger personal success than i could have dreamt in june 2007. i look back and see someone with no goals except to heal and break free - no job, no passion for english anymore, no boyfriend (arguably the only positive outcome from that whole time), an enjoyment of playing violin but an absolute fear of performing, few friends, a stunted vocabulary from resorting to crying too many times... and yet next weekend, i'll be meeting new people, performing in front of people i don't know, and staying with people i became friends with by myself, outside of my previous social circle.
i really need to remember these things so i can think positively about this past year. i think everyone thinks i'm neurotic and overly sensitive and people say "oh how very grief of you" about my general behaviour. but this is absolutely nothing. i know what it's like to feel the way people think i feel. most of the time, my mind is a wonderful retreat now - all calmed and contented by friendly conversation and a vegetarian breakfast. and i'm so pleased to receive hugs now, because i never used to be able to hug anyone. i think this year is the first time i've ever been able to do that and feel comfortable.
so... i guess i've started to be honest with you, diary (and visitors), again. not that i'm writing for anyone but myself really, but i should probably explain that i'm ok with knowing that these words are going out there. i feel i just need to spill everything out.
waking up at 6am for work, and going to bed too late
i know it's a little "common people" to say this, but i like going in my work clothes, half-asleep, to a friendly cafe and chatting to the people that work there, reading tabloid newspapers and eating breakfast for lunch ... sobering up to the thought that i have to walk home in the drizzle
i walked in something remarkably heavier than a drizzle yesterday to see hub play at trash... i've caught a cold. this weekend is too big to be poorly though! but it was worth it because i think it was one of their best performances... i still think i prefer the first time i saw them at royal park cellars, although i might be biased there.
playing with them at workhouse next weekend is both a complete amalgamation of all my previous anxieties and potentially the best representation on how far i've come in a year. in fact, i can say now that just the idea of next weekend is a bigger personal success than i could have dreamt in june 2007. i look back and see someone with no goals except to heal and break free - no job, no passion for english anymore, no boyfriend (arguably the only positive outcome from that whole time), an enjoyment of playing violin but an absolute fear of performing, few friends, a stunted vocabulary from resorting to crying too many times... and yet next weekend, i'll be meeting new people, performing in front of people i don't know, and staying with people i became friends with by myself, outside of my previous social circle.
i really need to remember these things so i can think positively about this past year. i think everyone thinks i'm neurotic and overly sensitive and people say "oh how very grief of you" about my general behaviour. but this is absolutely nothing. i know what it's like to feel the way people think i feel. most of the time, my mind is a wonderful retreat now - all calmed and contented by friendly conversation and a vegetarian breakfast. and i'm so pleased to receive hugs now, because i never used to be able to hug anyone. i think this year is the first time i've ever been able to do that and feel comfortable.
so... i guess i've started to be honest with you, diary (and visitors), again. not that i'm writing for anyone but myself really, but i should probably explain that i'm ok with knowing that these words are going out there. i feel i just need to spill everything out.