I know I said in my last update
that I was happier than I had been in a long time. Overall, that is true. I have still been easily sliding into short bouts of anger and hopelessness, though; and the past week or so has been worse. I know what is bothering me. On Thursday it will have been a year since I flew to MA for the first time. The countdown to the date has been subconsciously with me for a couple of weeks now.
It's not that I'm upset about how anything turned out anymore, really. I was pretty much all over the place emotionally. I don't regret going or even what occurred. What is getting to me is the fact that I wanted to be living there by now and it is still so far out of reach that I can't imagine it happening without drastic paranormal intervention. I can't even get my shit together to move into a place locally yet. I don't care about the other things. I still want to move far away from here to a green and snowy area and the more time that runs by, the less likely it feels that it will truly ever be a realized goal.
Honestly? I wonder about myself and my motives sometimes. Could it be just another ploy to make sure that I distance myself emotionally from everyone? There could be somewhere I would like better; but if so, I haven't found it yet. I am sure that I am tired of the vast brown, sage , and grey of the edge of the desert. The dirt and the rock. And I do truly despise the lack of true seasons and extreme heat. Even when I lived at the beach I yearned for more green and real trees.
So I have been having this in the back of my mind now and it has finally come fully to the forefront. It's not good that I don't have anything planned for that day or really the following evening. I have blues on Friday, but that ends at 8pm. I don't have the funds to take myself out and try to get my mind off of it.
This is what's been lately behind everything else. I feel like I've spent my life in the past almost 6 months sitting here to see if my new medications to work or not. A horrible waiting game for me with my impatience. I was already feeling like my life had been entirely on hold for half a decade and it seems like there it is an incredibly long process to reach the top therapeutic level of this drug. Doing my best to be practical, logical and accepting of all this time going by is starting to take it's toll. I need get things done and all I seem able to do is distract myself while slowly the pharmaceuticals in my system take a stab at doing what they're supposed to. I'm running out of money and activities. I KNOW it will get better. I also KNOW that I'm terrible in that I remember anniversaries of events and mourn what is not and may never be. That's something I'm trying to change. Truly. There is a huge part of me that just wants to sell off and throw away everything, pack up my car and drive away. Yell "fuck you," at this place, and leave it behind in a cloud of gritty dust. My inability to accept things as they are and realize what they will never be fuels this each time something bothers me the slightest bit.
Another problem is that for some odd reason August and September are nearly unbearable months for me to endure. I'm not sure why. That is usually the worst time of the year for me. There is so much more to me than what I am right now. I want it back. And although I hate to wish part of my life away; I just want this interval to be over. Usually by mid October I'm getting myself a bit together and can see more clearly.
I'm going to try another post later and see if I can get out a few other things that are currently digging at my acceptability of myself. I do think it's all tinged with a sense of yearning for what I cannot have right now. And wanting it so very badly. I just had to get this down because really there isn't anyone to talk to about it when the mood hits.
I'm not staying depressed, angry, or out of control for long. I just want someone to get a glimpse of me for real every now and then. I need to be able to depend on someone other than myself. I know it's a weakness; but it's one I haven't indulged in for a very long time. Thanks for letting me ruminate for awhile. I'll deal better with it now.
It's not that I'm upset about how anything turned out anymore, really. I was pretty much all over the place emotionally. I don't regret going or even what occurred. What is getting to me is the fact that I wanted to be living there by now and it is still so far out of reach that I can't imagine it happening without drastic paranormal intervention. I can't even get my shit together to move into a place locally yet. I don't care about the other things. I still want to move far away from here to a green and snowy area and the more time that runs by, the less likely it feels that it will truly ever be a realized goal.
Honestly? I wonder about myself and my motives sometimes. Could it be just another ploy to make sure that I distance myself emotionally from everyone? There could be somewhere I would like better; but if so, I haven't found it yet. I am sure that I am tired of the vast brown, sage , and grey of the edge of the desert. The dirt and the rock. And I do truly despise the lack of true seasons and extreme heat. Even when I lived at the beach I yearned for more green and real trees.
So I have been having this in the back of my mind now and it has finally come fully to the forefront. It's not good that I don't have anything planned for that day or really the following evening. I have blues on Friday, but that ends at 8pm. I don't have the funds to take myself out and try to get my mind off of it.
This is what's been lately behind everything else. I feel like I've spent my life in the past almost 6 months sitting here to see if my new medications to work or not. A horrible waiting game for me with my impatience. I was already feeling like my life had been entirely on hold for half a decade and it seems like there it is an incredibly long process to reach the top therapeutic level of this drug. Doing my best to be practical, logical and accepting of all this time going by is starting to take it's toll. I need get things done and all I seem able to do is distract myself while slowly the pharmaceuticals in my system take a stab at doing what they're supposed to. I'm running out of money and activities. I KNOW it will get better. I also KNOW that I'm terrible in that I remember anniversaries of events and mourn what is not and may never be. That's something I'm trying to change. Truly. There is a huge part of me that just wants to sell off and throw away everything, pack up my car and drive away. Yell "fuck you," at this place, and leave it behind in a cloud of gritty dust. My inability to accept things as they are and realize what they will never be fuels this each time something bothers me the slightest bit.
Another problem is that for some odd reason August and September are nearly unbearable months for me to endure. I'm not sure why. That is usually the worst time of the year for me. There is so much more to me than what I am right now. I want it back. And although I hate to wish part of my life away; I just want this interval to be over. Usually by mid October I'm getting myself a bit together and can see more clearly.
I'm going to try another post later and see if I can get out a few other things that are currently digging at my acceptability of myself. I do think it's all tinged with a sense of yearning for what I cannot have right now. And wanting it so very badly. I just had to get this down because really there isn't anyone to talk to about it when the mood hits.
I'm not staying depressed, angry, or out of control for long. I just want someone to get a glimpse of me for real every now and then. I need to be able to depend on someone other than myself. I know it's a weakness; but it's one I haven't indulged in for a very long time. Thanks for letting me ruminate for awhile. I'll deal better with it now.