Of all the things that never happened
I never dated. Simply went out once and threw myself into relationships. The time of freedom and hope which most other people experienced was something I never went through. I went to work in a job that took away all social time just after turning 19, then I became sick so early with an illness which set me apart from true living that I never had a young adulthood. It's something that I yearn for all the time. The relationships I buried myself into were superficial and senseless. But they were supposed to keep me from seeing who I really was. It was easier than introspection. Seems I couldn't deal with that at the time; it was too much truth.
I feel lost sometimes. I go out alone and sit looking at others. Why are they in groups and laughing? Sharing moments and a closeness that I never did. Caught in a second of time that reveals to me what I have always lacked. Awkward, I view them through who I actually am today and who I wish I was. I don't want to get old while still trying to live the years I lost. The sad truth is that I can't experience those years now. They're lost forever. I can't re-claim what never was. It sometimes depresses me beyond belief.
I've done the total inner search thing now. I accept where I am, but grudgingly. It's much easier to push aside reality and pretend that I can live a part of my life that would be long past if I had experienced it.