KFC at 3 in the mornin
Well it's like fuckin 3:15 in the morning and I can't sleep, which is really not a good thing b/c I have TAKS tomorrow, but my mind won't just shut the hell off and let me sleep. And of course the OCD doesn't help in this case either, especially when i've got something on my mind that is a big deal to me. All I can think about is Military Ball, and seeing Casey in her blue dress (which oddly enough is my favorite color, especially that perticular shade of blue) And knowing that she's no longer with me and i'm forbidden to love her. I've been looking forward to going to military ball all year, just under different circumstances. It's odd how quickly your life changes and how it affects your plans for the future. When Jessica and I were together I wasn't looking forward to the Military ball b/c I knew she would hate it b/c it had to do with the military, then I looked forward to goin with Casey and I knew it would be an awesome time (just like last year), well now I'm going stag, and it's really depressing. I'll probably show up, eat some food hang out for a little while, but with all honesty I don't know how long i'll be able to stand being there. Mostly b/c I know I'm gunna have a real hard time watching Casey dance with other guys and know that I'm just another guy as well. But if she starts to "freak dance" with a guy (or if she does it with a girl and other guys start watchin) I'll have to leave. You get so used to being so much more to someone than "just another guy" that when you do becaome "just another guy" you feel like you mean nothing. Yeah we can still be friends, but I know that if we become close friends my feelings for her will come right back, just like they did when we started to become friends back in first semester. And that made me realize that I can't be close friends with her b/c once I get close to her i'll want to be with her, and if she chooses to let me in her life again then any relationship I'm currently in will be completely fucked up, and i'll come running back to her. I don't know why I love her so much. If I could understand why it would probably be a hell of alot easier to fall out of love with her (although I highly doubt it). I can't stand not being able to compliment her on how she looks, and especially not being able to please her like only a boyfriend can. And when I start to think of her dating another guy all I can think of is how he will only see her as a sex object and not the angel that she is, but she won't know or will just choose to ignore it and she'll be treated wrongly. And I know for a fact NO MAN ON THIS EARTH will treat her as good as, love her as much, sacrafice as much for her, or see her for the beautiful angel that she is like I do/did. So many people told me that going out with her a second time was a bad decision, but I ignored them. So many people told me to just leave her and find someone worthy of my love and I ignored them too. Now people are telling me that I need to erase her from my life and never speak to her again, but this time I want to listen to them, but I don't want to let her go in case there is a chance she might want me back, and I don't want to lose her friendship. I want her back so bad, every inch of my body aches whenever I think about her. I forgot how much this hurts, and how crazy it makes you think, when you're madly in love with someone who is just out of your grasp. I just want to be bale ot make her happy like she makes, well made, me happy. I don't want her to be in love, just happy.