(no subject)
Feb. 11th, 2007 06:20 pm
Sometimes I feel like I'm not really in this world. It's like I'll be sitting somewhere and I'll think about getting up and moving and then I'll be somewhere else and I know I wanted to get there but I won't be able to remember how I did. I feel like I'm not really living this life. Like I'm going through the motions and getting everything done but there's nothing behind it, like my life is driving me instead of me driving my life. I'm not even sure of what I want anymore, of what could truly make me happy. I can't find a meaning to life and it freaks me out. I think I want to leave here but then I hear all these songs and realize how far 3000 miles is and it scares me that I may get there and it will be just as bed as here because it's me that's the problem, not this place. I'm terrified of never being happy, because I can't see happiness in the future, only in the past. What if I live my entire life waiting for the next moment to come so I can finally be happy only to look back and realize I always was and just couldn't see it? I have a problem of fantasizing the past making it impossible for the future to live up to it.
Deja fucking vu. My fears last year became my reality and the belief that they wouldn't was all I had. So where do I go...how do I pick myself up again, start over again, and really believe my life will ever change? I mean it's got to right, there's got to be something out there that's better than this? But that's what I though last year, it's all that got me through each day and it's all that get's me through each day here. My life has got to consist of something more than just getting through the days.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not really in this world. It's like I'll be sitting somewhere and I'll think about getting up and moving and then I'll be somewhere else and I know I wanted to get there but I won't be able to remember how I did. I feel like I'm not really living this life. Like I'm going through the motions and getting everything done but there's nothing behind it, like my life is driving me instead of me driving my life. I'm not even sure of what I want anymore, of what could truly make me happy. I can't find a meaning to life and it freaks me out. I think I want to leave here but then I hear all these songs and realize how far 3000 miles is and it scares me that I may get there and it will be just as bed as here because it's me that's the problem, not this place. I'm terrified of never being happy, because I can't see happiness in the future, only in the past. What if I live my entire life waiting for the next moment to come so I can finally be happy only to look back and realize I always was and just couldn't see it? I have a problem of fantasizing the past making it impossible for the future to live up to it.
Deja fucking vu. My fears last year became my reality and the belief that they wouldn't was all I had. So where do I go...how do I pick myself up again, start over again, and really believe my life will ever change? I mean it's got to right, there's got to be something out there that's better than this? But that's what I though last year, it's all that got me through each day and it's all that get's me through each day here. My life has got to consist of something more than just getting through the days.