(no subject)
Sometimes, like now, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking this can't all be real and in the morning I'll wake up from the bad dream which has become my life. At times like these I get this feeling there's something I'm just barely missing, like the word that's on the tip of your tongue but you can't just say, only it's a feeling or a solution or I guess I can't even get as far as figuring out what it is. I think back on this moment, or maybe it was multiple moments, I can't remember the day or place but I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't imagine feeling any better about where I was going to college. How did I get it so wrong? For claiming now to know myself well enough to know I have to leave I sure as hell couldn't figure out where I belonged then.
The truth of the matter is, I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of staying and I'm terrified of going home. I'm scared to face another 74 days of misery, but maybe, as much as I truthfully believe it won't happen, I'm scared to become happy here. I'm terrified of going somewhere else and feeling the same way, cause then I will have just blown a ton of money and time to live the same life somewhere else. And then what do I do? Cause I can't handle living like this, not here or anywhere.
I know most people won't support me in leaving. I'll get shit from my counselors, family, and friends. In my head I've believed it would make me a strong person to be able to leave inspite of everyone's feelings if I knew it was the right thing to do. But who's to say finding the strength to stay wouldn't be much more courageous? In many ways going home would be taking the easy route out. But is that always such a bad thing?
I know that soon enough all of this is going to be just a memory who's details get fuzzier in my mind with each day that passes. The question is, what does that mean? Does that mean I should suck it up, stick out the semester and hope for a better future? Or does that mean I should go looking for my better future now, withdraw from classes and drive myself home?
The problem is I look at myself as a generally happy and social person, yet in the past year and a half I haven't been much of either. Is it really the situations I'm put in or do I cause my own unhappiness?
The truth of the matter is, I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of staying and I'm terrified of going home. I'm scared to face another 74 days of misery, but maybe, as much as I truthfully believe it won't happen, I'm scared to become happy here. I'm terrified of going somewhere else and feeling the same way, cause then I will have just blown a ton of money and time to live the same life somewhere else. And then what do I do? Cause I can't handle living like this, not here or anywhere.
I know most people won't support me in leaving. I'll get shit from my counselors, family, and friends. In my head I've believed it would make me a strong person to be able to leave inspite of everyone's feelings if I knew it was the right thing to do. But who's to say finding the strength to stay wouldn't be much more courageous? In many ways going home would be taking the easy route out. But is that always such a bad thing?
I know that soon enough all of this is going to be just a memory who's details get fuzzier in my mind with each day that passes. The question is, what does that mean? Does that mean I should suck it up, stick out the semester and hope for a better future? Or does that mean I should go looking for my better future now, withdraw from classes and drive myself home?
The problem is I look at myself as a generally happy and social person, yet in the past year and a half I haven't been much of either. Is it really the situations I'm put in or do I cause my own unhappiness?