Apathy As Disguise: Part 1 [FanFic]
Title: Apathy As Disguise: Part 1
Author: Tooks
Pairing: Hotch/Reid, Reid/Ethan
Rating: FRAO
Summary: It's easy for Hotch to pretend, to hope, and to try not to care when it comes to Reid, but his action betray him...the same holds true for Ethan.
Notes: This is AU but there are Season 5 spoilers!! Piece 20 of my "Breaking the Bonds" series...it takes place pretty much just after the last piece and will be a two-parter. There's cursing, drunkenness, references to drug usage and sexual activity, and, as always, angst. (Ethan was Reid's friend from Season 2's "Jones".) Thanks for your patience readers, it's much appreciated! :D
Hotch shook as he paced the tiny hotel bathroom. Then he stopped and looked in the mirror. His breathing stayed labored as the fine sheen of sweat coating his body cooled. The cum, Spencer’s cum, cooled and dried and crusted on his stomach and pants. They were ruined inside and out, sticky and white-stained, with marks of passion from both men.
He could still smell Spencer; he could smell him all over, feel his cock in his mouth, and taste him on his tongue. The younger man seemed to coat his insides now and Aaron could no longer just pretend nothing had happened. There was no stepping out of the room and crawling into bed like it was any other night.
What had been erotic moments before now disgusted the agent, almost made him sick to his stomach. Spencer was a teammate, a subordinate…he was not what a man like SSA Aaron Hotchner should want. Spencer Reid was not what should make him hard and jealous and petty and desirous and angry and confused…he should not be losing control like this.
Aaron stripped and tossed the soiled clothes into the corner. He turned on the faucet and rinsed his mouth out, but it was no use. The shames were still there just as much as the thrills.
“Fucking Reid,” Hotch grumbled. He wanted a shower, but his instincts favored flight instead so he threw on the clothes he’d grabbed from the drawer. “Fucking Ethan,” he spat before heading out.
He heard Reid’s mouth open, close, then open again. “Hotch, we should -“
“No!” The man snapped hard as he grabbed his wallet, keys, and phone. “You’re staying with Morgan starting tomorrow.”
“Aaron…”
Hotch exited the hotel room without another word.
It took until he got into the SUV to realize he didn’t know where to go. Louisiana was not a place Aaron was familiar with and putting something into the GPS made it traceable. But he had to go somewhere…anywhere. He started the vehicle, pulled out of the space, and left the parking garage.
***
Spencer had been stunned at the sudden change in Aaron’s behavior to start, now he was just bewildered. What had gone so horribly wrong so fast? Had Hotch’s reservations kicked in or was it something else? Did something trigger Hotch? The man had seemed furious at him.
The young profiler ran his hands through his hair before he slowly began to gather himself up. He fixed his shirt and boxers and pulled his pants back up as he stood. Reid scratched his arm on the way into the bathroom.
Had he done, said, something to set the man off? Reid recalled the change in Aaron’s behavior after the bit of dirty talk; he’d paused and then grown aggressive…had that been it? Maybe the words, the tone of them, had offended Aaron? Emasculated him somehow?
So far Spencer took care to ensure he didn’t do that. That he didn’t make Aaron feel like less of a man by playing up the perception of their roles the few times they'd been sexual. He even avoided the perceived sexuality of the acts themselves. He’d made the effort to always make Aaron feel like he was the one in charge, that it was his decision what, if anything, they did, and that his Alpha-male persona remained intact. Clearly, somewhere along the way, Spencer had mis-stepped terribly.
Reid turned the water on in the bathroom sink and splashed his face a few times. He scrubbed and scratched as if in hopes of stimulating his brain. Then the man looked up and saw in the mirror what Hotch had seen, the thing that must have offended and frustrated Aaron so. Ethan’s mark was like the man himself, bold.
Spencer had thought Ethan was just being a little playful when he’d given it, but now he saw it for what it was. It was flag, a staked claim, and a challenge. Not to him, to Aaron. It was the last word from whatever tiff they’d had in the bathroom because Ethan always did have to have the last word. Only the possessiveness of it surprised Spencer…Ethan was rarely so jealous, so possessive of him, that he felt the need to assert the closeness of their relationship in this manner.
He began to shift fabric to cover up the hickey, fix the buttons on his shirt, but even hidden it was all he could see. He was sure it was all Aaron saw as well.
***
Aaron felt that raw tingle run up his spine he knew all too well. He’d overcome it the last few months, beaten it back by shear will, and now it seemed to be making up for its losses. The Oxy Urge promised it could make things better, it could erase the frustration and anger and shame Hotch felt at the moment. It could even diminish that desire for Spencer if he took enough. Only It could make everything Hotch had gone through, everything he was going through, and all that negativity he felt wonderfully irrelevant.
Without intent Aaron was back at the Bourbon Street restaurant, back where this night’s troubles started. He parked, sat, turned off the engine, and let silence fill the car. His eyes closed. The urge whispered in his heart and mind. Give it up, Aaron. You fought the good fight, you deserve this. You deserve to not care for a night. Just one night. Give it up.
The man pinched the bridge of his nose a moment as if to muffle or block out the voice. No use. Aaron opened his eyes once again and got out of the car. He kept his head down and eyes averted as he entered the restaurant once more. This time he headed directly for the bar. Aaron sat and started a tab. He would not take Oxy, he could not, so he would drink. Just enough to calm down, to forget, and to not care so damned much. Just enough to drown out the voices in his head and the taste of cock still inside his mouth.
***
Spencer went to his cell, his contacts, and hit Send to connect. The other line rang…and rang…and rang. “Come on, pick up,” Reid began to mutter and pace. “Pick up pick up pick up.”
The sniffs came first, then the voice. “Hey, Spencer, what’s up? Is something wrong?”
Spencer knew Ethan was covering up something, his relaxed tone was forced and he spoke faster than usual. He probably still had whatever woman he'd brought home with him nearby and, if the sniffs were any indication, they'd snorted something illicit together, but none of that mattered right now. Sick as it was Reid knew his long-time best friend could handle whatever he was doing at the moment, but that wasn't likely to be true of Hotch. “Hotch is…gone.”
“Gone?”
“He, uh…he left.”
“The hotel?
“Yes.” His boss wouldn’t have simply left the immediate area after what happened, but he wouldn’t abandon the team by heading back home either.
There was another deep sniff from Ethan’s end, but his voice came out in its more natural drawl. “And?”
“What do you mean ‘and’?”
“And what does this have to do with us, Spencer?”
“Look, I uh, I don’t really, um, have time to explain it all right now.”
“Come on, Reid, gimme a reason to care.”
“Ethan,” Spencer sighed out from pure annoyance.
“No, seriously Spencer, why should I care?”
“Be-be-because it’s your fault!”
“How the fuck is it my fault?” Ethan’s voice edged up to irritated.
“Wanna tell me about the hickey?”
The man on the other line gave a laugh. “Well that didn’t take very long now did it?”
“You knew he’d see it.”
“I played the odds.”
“You need to find him.”
Heloise The Waitress stepped out of the bathroom and Ethan held up a finger to keep her quiet. “Are you serious?”
“If he gets the urge to use again, if he goes looking for a fix, he could put himself in real danger. You should know that better than anyone, Ethan.”
“You gonna play that card now, Reid?”
“You don’t have a cold.” Spencer deadpanned back.
Ethan hung his head and heaved a sigh into the receiver. “Spencer, I…”
“I don’t care about that, Ethan, not right now.”
“But you care about him?”
“He could go searching down the wrong street and get himself hurt or killed.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Ethan had been settled on the couch, but now he was up. “Hotchner’s a grown ass man, a fuckin’ fed, he can handle himself and if he does somethin’ stupid it’s no one’s problem but his own!”
“I’m a fucking fed, Ethan, would you let me wander the city in the middle of the night?”
“No.” Ethan’s smile came back, touched his voice. “But I like you.”
Spencer’s breath rattled out on the other line, but he didn’t say a word.
“Why are you making me do this?” Ethan’s voice lost its spark. No feigned amusement, no true anger.
“When you ask me for help, how often to I question you on it? How often do I say no?” The young agent’s voice did its best to hold steady, but emotions shook it anyway. “I, uh, I don’t know the city like you do. I…I need you, Ethan. I need your help.”
Ethan stayed silent as the seconds ticked out before he let out another sigh. “That’s not fair, Spencer.”
“Since when did we treat each other fair?”
“Why do you care about this guy so much?”
“He’s lost,” Spencer replied as he sat back down on the bed. “He’s struggling. We both know what that’s like.”
“It’s more than that.”
“Hotch is a good guy, Ethan. He’s a great profiler, a great boss, and a great father. He’s just…hit a rough patch.”
“So what am I, Spencer, a lost cause?”
“That…wasn’t what I meant, Ethan.”
“Hotchner’s got all the potential for greatness, fucking ivy-league love, and I’m just the safety, that it?”
“Ethan, please…”
He wasn’t usually this sensitive, Ethan generally let things slide or laughed them off, but it was all just hitting him wrong. The thought of having to look for this other man, this man who’d already worked his buttons better than most, and the idea Spencer was using their past, their relationship, the care he felt for him, to convince him to do it gnawed at his heart. Maybe it was the feeling that Spencer was truly picking someone over him. Maybe it was that it was Aaron Hotchner Spencer was picking or the closeted agent himself. Whatever it was Ethan felt ill from it, but he’d do it anyway…for Spencer.
“So do I just...call ya when I find him? Tell him to call you? What?”
“Yeah, uh…both, I guess.”
“Fine.”
“Ethan?”
“What?”
“Thank you.”
Ethan hung up the phone without reply.
***
Aaron took the first Scotch slow, the second and third fast, and slowed down again at the fourth and fifth. None of them helped though, the voice of Oxy still called and he could still taste Spencer and he still cared. He still cared about it all.
He still cared that he’d failed Haley, that he’d failed his son and lost to Foyet more than he ever won. The drinks didn’t lessen his care for Spencer or the fact that he cared too much about the man being marked first and by whom.
Aaron downed the rest of his fifth glass a single swallow and signaled for another.
“Don’t even think about it,” a voice drawled deep and smooth as its owner slid into the stool beside the agent.
Hotch’s blood began to boil in recognition before he even shifted his gaze to the other man. God he fucking hated this guy. “What do you care?”
Ethan smirked. “I don’t.”
“Then leave me alone.”
“Reid cares.”
Hotch snorted a little. “Didn’t picture you as an errand boy.”
“People do surprising things for those they care for.”
“That’s…touching.”
The bartender set a sixth drink down before Aaron, but Ethan swiped and downed it before the agent even got his fingers on the glass. “You’re drunk, I’ll drive you back to the hotel. I’m sure Spencer can come and pick up whatever car you drove here.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
Ethan stood. “Get the fuck up before I school you in front of this entire bar, Hotchner.”
The agent finally twisted the rest of his body to the other, his eyes narrowed. “Is that how you care for Spencer? You threaten his boss?”
“I’m done playing nice guy.” He had great patience, but not unlimited, and Hotch had already pushed the limit once today. “Right now all I want is to keep Spencer from stressin’ and if I gotta frog-march his boss outta a bar to do it then I will.”
“You lay a hand on me I’ll have you arrested for assault on a federal agent.”
“Go ahead,” Ethan scoffed. He then leaned into Aaron a little. “Then you can explain why you got into a drunken physical altercation in the middle of a bar with your subordinate’s friend.”
“Lover.”
“Even better.” Ethan almost sneered back as he put money down to cover and close out Hotch’s tab.
Aaron stood up with a glare then turned past the other man to exit the bar.
Ethan followed.
"Apathy is when you would do nothing for someone. Love is when you would do anything." ~ Anonymous
Next Section:
Apathy As Disguise: Part 2
Previous Sections:
Diagnosing the Disease
Breaking the Bonds
Shaky Control
Reality of Escape
Ill Judgment
The Memorial Nightmare
Painfully Numb
One Slip
Degrees of Sin
Dirty Clean
Avoid the Unavoidable
Reenact the Act
A Bullet and a Twist: Part 1
A Bullet and a Twist: Part 2
Serenity Swallowed
Line in the Circle
Stand to Crash
Escape and Burn
Green With Tension
Triggers of Lust
Author: Tooks
Pairing: Hotch/Reid, Reid/Ethan
Rating: FRAO
Summary: It's easy for Hotch to pretend, to hope, and to try not to care when it comes to Reid, but his action betray him...the same holds true for Ethan.
Notes: This is AU but there are Season 5 spoilers!! Piece 20 of my "Breaking the Bonds" series...it takes place pretty much just after the last piece and will be a two-parter. There's cursing, drunkenness, references to drug usage and sexual activity, and, as always, angst. (Ethan was Reid's friend from Season 2's "Jones".) Thanks for your patience readers, it's much appreciated! :D
Hotch shook as he paced the tiny hotel bathroom. Then he stopped and looked in the mirror. His breathing stayed labored as the fine sheen of sweat coating his body cooled. The cum, Spencer’s cum, cooled and dried and crusted on his stomach and pants. They were ruined inside and out, sticky and white-stained, with marks of passion from both men.
He could still smell Spencer; he could smell him all over, feel his cock in his mouth, and taste him on his tongue. The younger man seemed to coat his insides now and Aaron could no longer just pretend nothing had happened. There was no stepping out of the room and crawling into bed like it was any other night.
What had been erotic moments before now disgusted the agent, almost made him sick to his stomach. Spencer was a teammate, a subordinate…he was not what a man like SSA Aaron Hotchner should want. Spencer Reid was not what should make him hard and jealous and petty and desirous and angry and confused…he should not be losing control like this.
Aaron stripped and tossed the soiled clothes into the corner. He turned on the faucet and rinsed his mouth out, but it was no use. The shames were still there just as much as the thrills.
“Fucking Reid,” Hotch grumbled. He wanted a shower, but his instincts favored flight instead so he threw on the clothes he’d grabbed from the drawer. “Fucking Ethan,” he spat before heading out.
He heard Reid’s mouth open, close, then open again. “Hotch, we should -“
“No!” The man snapped hard as he grabbed his wallet, keys, and phone. “You’re staying with Morgan starting tomorrow.”
“Aaron…”
Hotch exited the hotel room without another word.
It took until he got into the SUV to realize he didn’t know where to go. Louisiana was not a place Aaron was familiar with and putting something into the GPS made it traceable. But he had to go somewhere…anywhere. He started the vehicle, pulled out of the space, and left the parking garage.
***
Spencer had been stunned at the sudden change in Aaron’s behavior to start, now he was just bewildered. What had gone so horribly wrong so fast? Had Hotch’s reservations kicked in or was it something else? Did something trigger Hotch? The man had seemed furious at him.
The young profiler ran his hands through his hair before he slowly began to gather himself up. He fixed his shirt and boxers and pulled his pants back up as he stood. Reid scratched his arm on the way into the bathroom.
Had he done, said, something to set the man off? Reid recalled the change in Aaron’s behavior after the bit of dirty talk; he’d paused and then grown aggressive…had that been it? Maybe the words, the tone of them, had offended Aaron? Emasculated him somehow?
So far Spencer took care to ensure he didn’t do that. That he didn’t make Aaron feel like less of a man by playing up the perception of their roles the few times they'd been sexual. He even avoided the perceived sexuality of the acts themselves. He’d made the effort to always make Aaron feel like he was the one in charge, that it was his decision what, if anything, they did, and that his Alpha-male persona remained intact. Clearly, somewhere along the way, Spencer had mis-stepped terribly.
Reid turned the water on in the bathroom sink and splashed his face a few times. He scrubbed and scratched as if in hopes of stimulating his brain. Then the man looked up and saw in the mirror what Hotch had seen, the thing that must have offended and frustrated Aaron so. Ethan’s mark was like the man himself, bold.
Spencer had thought Ethan was just being a little playful when he’d given it, but now he saw it for what it was. It was flag, a staked claim, and a challenge. Not to him, to Aaron. It was the last word from whatever tiff they’d had in the bathroom because Ethan always did have to have the last word. Only the possessiveness of it surprised Spencer…Ethan was rarely so jealous, so possessive of him, that he felt the need to assert the closeness of their relationship in this manner.
He began to shift fabric to cover up the hickey, fix the buttons on his shirt, but even hidden it was all he could see. He was sure it was all Aaron saw as well.
***
Aaron felt that raw tingle run up his spine he knew all too well. He’d overcome it the last few months, beaten it back by shear will, and now it seemed to be making up for its losses. The Oxy Urge promised it could make things better, it could erase the frustration and anger and shame Hotch felt at the moment. It could even diminish that desire for Spencer if he took enough. Only It could make everything Hotch had gone through, everything he was going through, and all that negativity he felt wonderfully irrelevant.
Without intent Aaron was back at the Bourbon Street restaurant, back where this night’s troubles started. He parked, sat, turned off the engine, and let silence fill the car. His eyes closed. The urge whispered in his heart and mind. Give it up, Aaron. You fought the good fight, you deserve this. You deserve to not care for a night. Just one night. Give it up.
The man pinched the bridge of his nose a moment as if to muffle or block out the voice. No use. Aaron opened his eyes once again and got out of the car. He kept his head down and eyes averted as he entered the restaurant once more. This time he headed directly for the bar. Aaron sat and started a tab. He would not take Oxy, he could not, so he would drink. Just enough to calm down, to forget, and to not care so damned much. Just enough to drown out the voices in his head and the taste of cock still inside his mouth.
***
Spencer went to his cell, his contacts, and hit Send to connect. The other line rang…and rang…and rang. “Come on, pick up,” Reid began to mutter and pace. “Pick up pick up pick up.”
The sniffs came first, then the voice. “Hey, Spencer, what’s up? Is something wrong?”
Spencer knew Ethan was covering up something, his relaxed tone was forced and he spoke faster than usual. He probably still had whatever woman he'd brought home with him nearby and, if the sniffs were any indication, they'd snorted something illicit together, but none of that mattered right now. Sick as it was Reid knew his long-time best friend could handle whatever he was doing at the moment, but that wasn't likely to be true of Hotch. “Hotch is…gone.”
“Gone?”
“He, uh…he left.”
“The hotel?
“Yes.” His boss wouldn’t have simply left the immediate area after what happened, but he wouldn’t abandon the team by heading back home either.
There was another deep sniff from Ethan’s end, but his voice came out in its more natural drawl. “And?”
“What do you mean ‘and’?”
“And what does this have to do with us, Spencer?”
“Look, I uh, I don’t really, um, have time to explain it all right now.”
“Come on, Reid, gimme a reason to care.”
“Ethan,” Spencer sighed out from pure annoyance.
“No, seriously Spencer, why should I care?”
“Be-be-because it’s your fault!”
“How the fuck is it my fault?” Ethan’s voice edged up to irritated.
“Wanna tell me about the hickey?”
The man on the other line gave a laugh. “Well that didn’t take very long now did it?”
“You knew he’d see it.”
“I played the odds.”
“You need to find him.”
Heloise The Waitress stepped out of the bathroom and Ethan held up a finger to keep her quiet. “Are you serious?”
“If he gets the urge to use again, if he goes looking for a fix, he could put himself in real danger. You should know that better than anyone, Ethan.”
“You gonna play that card now, Reid?”
“You don’t have a cold.” Spencer deadpanned back.
Ethan hung his head and heaved a sigh into the receiver. “Spencer, I…”
“I don’t care about that, Ethan, not right now.”
“But you care about him?”
“He could go searching down the wrong street and get himself hurt or killed.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Ethan had been settled on the couch, but now he was up. “Hotchner’s a grown ass man, a fuckin’ fed, he can handle himself and if he does somethin’ stupid it’s no one’s problem but his own!”
“I’m a fucking fed, Ethan, would you let me wander the city in the middle of the night?”
“No.” Ethan’s smile came back, touched his voice. “But I like you.”
Spencer’s breath rattled out on the other line, but he didn’t say a word.
“Why are you making me do this?” Ethan’s voice lost its spark. No feigned amusement, no true anger.
“When you ask me for help, how often to I question you on it? How often do I say no?” The young agent’s voice did its best to hold steady, but emotions shook it anyway. “I, uh, I don’t know the city like you do. I…I need you, Ethan. I need your help.”
Ethan stayed silent as the seconds ticked out before he let out another sigh. “That’s not fair, Spencer.”
“Since when did we treat each other fair?”
“Why do you care about this guy so much?”
“He’s lost,” Spencer replied as he sat back down on the bed. “He’s struggling. We both know what that’s like.”
“It’s more than that.”
“Hotch is a good guy, Ethan. He’s a great profiler, a great boss, and a great father. He’s just…hit a rough patch.”
“So what am I, Spencer, a lost cause?”
“That…wasn’t what I meant, Ethan.”
“Hotchner’s got all the potential for greatness, fucking ivy-league love, and I’m just the safety, that it?”
“Ethan, please…”
He wasn’t usually this sensitive, Ethan generally let things slide or laughed them off, but it was all just hitting him wrong. The thought of having to look for this other man, this man who’d already worked his buttons better than most, and the idea Spencer was using their past, their relationship, the care he felt for him, to convince him to do it gnawed at his heart. Maybe it was the feeling that Spencer was truly picking someone over him. Maybe it was that it was Aaron Hotchner Spencer was picking or the closeted agent himself. Whatever it was Ethan felt ill from it, but he’d do it anyway…for Spencer.
“So do I just...call ya when I find him? Tell him to call you? What?”
“Yeah, uh…both, I guess.”
“Fine.”
“Ethan?”
“What?”
“Thank you.”
Ethan hung up the phone without reply.
***
Aaron took the first Scotch slow, the second and third fast, and slowed down again at the fourth and fifth. None of them helped though, the voice of Oxy still called and he could still taste Spencer and he still cared. He still cared about it all.
He still cared that he’d failed Haley, that he’d failed his son and lost to Foyet more than he ever won. The drinks didn’t lessen his care for Spencer or the fact that he cared too much about the man being marked first and by whom.
Aaron downed the rest of his fifth glass a single swallow and signaled for another.
“Don’t even think about it,” a voice drawled deep and smooth as its owner slid into the stool beside the agent.
Hotch’s blood began to boil in recognition before he even shifted his gaze to the other man. God he fucking hated this guy. “What do you care?”
Ethan smirked. “I don’t.”
“Then leave me alone.”
“Reid cares.”
Hotch snorted a little. “Didn’t picture you as an errand boy.”
“People do surprising things for those they care for.”
“That’s…touching.”
The bartender set a sixth drink down before Aaron, but Ethan swiped and downed it before the agent even got his fingers on the glass. “You’re drunk, I’ll drive you back to the hotel. I’m sure Spencer can come and pick up whatever car you drove here.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
Ethan stood. “Get the fuck up before I school you in front of this entire bar, Hotchner.”
The agent finally twisted the rest of his body to the other, his eyes narrowed. “Is that how you care for Spencer? You threaten his boss?”
“I’m done playing nice guy.” He had great patience, but not unlimited, and Hotch had already pushed the limit once today. “Right now all I want is to keep Spencer from stressin’ and if I gotta frog-march his boss outta a bar to do it then I will.”
“You lay a hand on me I’ll have you arrested for assault on a federal agent.”
“Go ahead,” Ethan scoffed. He then leaned into Aaron a little. “Then you can explain why you got into a drunken physical altercation in the middle of a bar with your subordinate’s friend.”
“Lover.”
“Even better.” Ethan almost sneered back as he put money down to cover and close out Hotch’s tab.
Aaron stood up with a glare then turned past the other man to exit the bar.
Ethan followed.
"Apathy is when you would do nothing for someone. Love is when you would do anything." ~ Anonymous
Next Section:
Apathy As Disguise: Part 2
Previous Sections:
Diagnosing the Disease
Breaking the Bonds
Shaky Control
Reality of Escape
Ill Judgment
The Memorial Nightmare
Painfully Numb
One Slip
Degrees of Sin
Dirty Clean
Avoid the Unavoidable
Reenact the Act
A Bullet and a Twist: Part 1
A Bullet and a Twist: Part 2
Serenity Swallowed
Line in the Circle
Stand to Crash
Escape and Burn
Green With Tension
Triggers of Lust