(no subject)
found a fly in my coffee yesterday just as i was about to buy it. i shrieked, and thus i am not a real goth, lol. the young asian guy tried to make me feel better by drinking my coffee wuth the fly in it, but that just made it worse. called chris. he is so unhappy ...with his life, and the "lack of direction",i miss him so much, but cant see him till im done with school. i want to make his life better, but i cant. i cant take him away from it all. and it makes me feel so desperate, and worthless. i am so weak now, but i cant turn to him, because i need to be strong for him. the workload is impossible to complete in one week, and i am crumbling. i want to escape this shell, and this life, somehow. i cry and twist the bedclothes, and choke on all of it. then i call Raine, and cry into the receiver until i fall into exhausted sleep. then i wake up and feel terrible that im using him as my negative energy outlet. but he wants to be one.
i want to make chris happy. i wish i didnt hold him back from california. maybe if he went, he would have been happier. and it kills me to know this. he stayed for me. and now he is miserable. i dont deserve anyone who cares for me. my mind is worthless. my body is worthless. i am helpless and silenced, screaming distortedly into an emptiness where no one listens to it.
i want to make chris happy. i wish i didnt hold him back from california. maybe if he went, he would have been happier. and it kills me to know this. he stayed for me. and now he is miserable. i dont deserve anyone who cares for me. my mind is worthless. my body is worthless. i am helpless and silenced, screaming distortedly into an emptiness where no one listens to it.