Tweets I wanna save
Twitter ain't a blog, that's for damn sure. But it does encourage you to use language efficiently. I've had a number of thoughts posted there that still amuse me, and I thought I'd grab 'em before they get rained out of the cloud or whatever the fuck happens with that. Feel free to look at 'em if you want, but I'm mainly sticking 'em here for archiving purposes.
Just read The Diary of Lisa Frank. It's hard to hide unicorns in an attic! #scratchandsniffHitlersmelledlikeONIONSyouguys #tears
When my alarm clock went off this morning, I thought I could keep pressing snooze as often as I liked because the clock was IMAP. Yeah.
Manilla: the flavor of the boy next door. See also: Machocolate.
Twitter is the great equalizer. It reminds us that we are all, celebrity and schmoe alike, similarly banal. And that makes it okay somehow.
I thought I saw a coworker that I recognized, but then I remembered that she died and I forgot. I am a bad person!
On that topic, sometimes the fact that I am a living organism freaks me out a little bit. Holy shit! Look what I can do! *move hands*
I think people who define themselves by abstinence and rejection hold onto their pride so firmly because pride is their only reward for it.
"Spumoni" is the naughtiest name for any dessert ever. Think about it.
I am a whore for Snyder's Sourdough Pretzels. Not the "old-fashioned" kind, the sourdough ones. They're sodium good.
A great name for a kitten: Sergeant Mewsleby.
Man, all these flowers, just taking and giving pollen to each other indiscriminately... plants are such whores.
People keep asking to be a character in my stories. I'm tempted to make "you" a character: Thad and Fedora are fuckin' mad-style when suddenly you walk in. They curl their lips in disgust. "We would NEVER screw THAT," they sneer.
I saved a bunch of worms' lives from the sidewalk, but they just crawled back onto it. God damn it, stupid emo worms. #noonecaresifwedie
I want to start a store called Tote-ology. All it will sell is satchels, backpacks, purses, totebags. And it ITSELF will be a giant totebag.
Watching Pee-Wee's big adventure. @jakebe just met Large Marge and tried to claw backward through the chair.
This morning, walking in to work, I actually slipped on a banana peel. #reallifecliches
Saw Alice in Wonderland. Why can't these movies retain the original's satire of British government and still be relevant to me personally?
Some people laugh at understatement, and some people laugh at overstatement, but I think overstatement is marginally funnier.
I dreamed I saved Lady Gaga from a cult of brainwashing Christian fundamentalists. That's right. My dreams are better than yours. #envyme
Ah, sweet lavatory solace that smelleth oft like poo! How intimate your stalls are, yet how public is your loo! #shakespearepoopsandtweets
I was always fascinated by the box for "sharps" at the hospital. I wish they would plural nounify more adjectives. Put your slipperies here.
No girl is ever lucky to have a guy. We are terrible. TERRIBLE. That's why I'm gay: out of sympathy for women.
People with money and power like things the way they are. When the rich and powerful promise change, they are lying. Always.
Saw the MOST PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HOBO EVER last night. Was offering Christians 5c to spit on him. His sign: "You don't care about me anyway."
Nature is being mean to me via allergies so I am taking long drives to throw chemical-filled plastic containers onto endangered animals.
I try not to roleplay in bed because of my low DEX. I keep failing initiative so instead we end up just going to sleep.
Never correct someone who uses "nauseous" in place of "nauseated." Nauseated people do not want to have their grammar corrected. #notetoself
I once had a job hand-painting Magic Eye images on t-shirts. It's difficult. You just have to remember to cross your eyes and dot the tees.
Epiphany: entertainment often suffers because the elements that catch someone's interest are usually not the elements that hold it.
Birds give the worst blowjobs ever. :( #fml
Overstatement wrecks all our good words: ultimate, extreme, amazing, awesome, and epic all mean "pretty good" now. You jerks.
I accidentally ordered "Black Pecker Chicken" at Panda Express. #freudianslap
Rockstar's Energy Shot tastes like someone threw up his Robitussin into a glass of paint thinner. It is the worst thing I've ever tasted.
Jeph Loeb to head Marvel's new television division, because apparently Marvel just likes to cut itself to prove to itself it can still feel.
I have a theory that all people named Eugene are biologically inferior. #butwhattocallit
I am going to make BANK by writing a book called Impulse Control For Dummies. It will be sold in the supermarket checkout aisles.
Old dried-up Daddy Longlegs carcasses are probably completely harmless. But I sure wouldn't wanna have to watch someone eat one!
In movies, occult research always consists of looking of lots of scary illustrations in old books. Ancient movie tomes never have text.
@jakebe is drinking coffee that was pooped out of a foreign kitty. #nopartofthatisalie
@jakebe likes poop that is surprisingly smooth, with a rich, deep flavor and a nice nutty undertone. He hates poop with a harsh finish.
Hyraxes are the most serious-looking animals I have ever seen. Try googling them. They all look amazingly serious.
In an RPG, you only gain XP from the battles you win. In life, you get way more XP from the battles you lose. #andtakingtheirgoldismugging
If you are a murderer, keep newspaper clippings of all your murders on a wall. If you're a modern killer, bookmark the appropriate websites.
At Yankee Candle, I paid lots of money so that I could temporarily own a smell.
My last two calls at work have been from (I swear) Professor Moriarty and William Wallace. I think my telephone may be fictional.
Man I would pay good money to see a movie that had Daniel Day Lewis as Captain Hook.
Imagine a mouse strutting while he sings "These Boots Are Made for Walking." You're welcome. #thesebootsaregonnawalkalloveryou
How come we get most of our befuddledness from Britain? What is it about the UK that produces so many befuddled people in such high quality?
Fry's is selling hands-free earphones. FINALLY. I'm so sick of having to hold my earphones in my ear.
If people had access to time travel technology, someone would end up changing the past and preventing time machines from being invented.
Where do movie bullets go after they shoot out the back window of a vehicle?
The 90s called. They want their insults that reference specific decades back.
Future Proves To Be Less Visually Arresting Than Filmmakers Predicted. #headline
If I act weird, it's because I'm around me all the time, and I'm trying to keep from boring myself.
It's sort of weird that we have an organ called a liver. I'm pretty sure it was just named that by lazy biologists. "It, uh, helps you live"
I'm having @jakebe's butt bronzed. You know, for posteriority.
One day you use a slippery slope argument, the next you're calling someone Hitler, and then shortly after that all rational discourse ends.
Wings SEEM great, but you also basically have four armpits. Sure you get the gift of flight, but is it worth needing twice the deodorant?
Being too predictable can make you tedious to others, but not being predictable enough can rhinoceros.
I frequently crave types of food that I don't actually like, like Cajun. I guess maybe I just want to challenge my face.
With frenemies like this, who needs enemiends?
Emogration: the act of leaving a chat room, message board, or community for the primary purpose of making others feel sorry for you.
A lot of the time, I'll say things just because I think they're clever or insightful, and not because they're actually true. Like now.
Faith is just Hope with a swagger.
We're sorry, but we cannot publish your story at this time. Yes, it is only because we are biased. Biased against the shitty story you wrote
I've never had angry sex before. I've got to figure out how to get someone mad and horny at the same time. Tricky...
I'm getting to hate Twitter. So many Twitterers do nothing but shamelessly self-promote, when they should be talking about my book.
I'm so bad at keyboarding, even my blood is Typo. #budumptish
Nonconformists unite!
If someone complains that their dog was sexually assaulted, do NOT claim it's the dog's fault for "dressing like that." #vitalinformation
But come on, it was wearing only a collar. I assume other dogs go sorta nuts for that.
Back in the 90s they told us in the future people would shut up about flying cars. It's 2011, people! Stop talking about flying cars already
Relevance never involves saying the thing that everyone else is saying.
A squirrel with a scar for an ear popped out of a trashcan a foot away from me, and then glared balefully at me while EATING A CHICKEN BONE. This is how the Apocalypse starts: we are now mindlessly breeding fearless, carnivorous squirrels.
I like fans because it's great when loose atoms shoot at my face and knock more excited atoms away from it. Atoms feel great!
I knew I shouldn't have looked in the mirror in the bathroom of that haunted wheelchair factory. #badfirstlines
God damn grown-ass men all watching My Little Pony. What is this world coming to? What is next? Teletubbies: The Crime Drama?
Tinky-Winky knows all there is to know about the crying game.
White people who say they'll pretend to be racist to get out of jury duty are really saying "criminals aren't white." Trials for white people must be filled with disappointed fake racists.
If I were Nicholas Cage, I'd be super drunk, too.
I'm agnostic for one reason only: agnostics and atheists use arguments I can follow and understand, and the religious use arguments I can't.
If you go through life thinking that people ought not to act like human beings, you're going to be disappointed most of the time, you human.
JRPG philosophy: It doesn't have to mean anything if you just have your characters always asking what it means.
On the positive side, now my shirt smells like delicious coffee.
Uttering the sentence "No one cares what you think" to ANYONE automatically makes you a liar.
It was probably a dick move to let the drunks on the train sleep through their stop. But they were REALLY exhausted from shouting so loudly.
I don't get the 72 virgins thing. When you get to heaven, your reward is 72 people who are bad at sex? Then: eternity with 72 ex-virgins.
People who are the best at something are always a little nuts, because they've kept on doing it after a reasonable person would have stopped
If you're enjoying mystifying popularity, it could be because no one can look away from a train wreck.
I bet it really sucks to be claustrophobic if you're a fetus.
The moral of every I Dream of Jeannie episode was that women with power ruin everything, even when they're slaves.
Doc Refuses To Give It Straight Without Special Request; Leaves Dozens Uncertain About Ball-Playing Futures.
The bigger they are, the more likely to be hit by a meteor.
In retrospect, I'm glad I wasn't born with six eyes. Seeing in 7D would be sweet, but glasses would be so much more expensive.
There is a subtle but important difference between someone who wants to be your friend and someone who wants you to be theirs.
I asked our Irish waitress if her accent was Welsh and watched her face flicker with momentary fury.
No, you fool! This is the Internet! If someone learns your true name, it gives him power over you!
You cannot actually talk about Game of Thrones on Twitter because it has more than one hundred and forty characters.
Death isn't so scary when you realize that you've already been not-alive for nearly forever.
Today's elderly often wear their pants too high. Kids like to sag low. In 50 years kids will be all like, "Ugh, pull your pants up, grampa."
I'm always impressed with people who can discern innocence or guilt based on cursory review of news stories.
My suspicion is that once you start to believe you are amazing at something, it's all over. You are not going to get much better after that.
If a human bites a zombie, it comes back to life. This terrifies zombies.
Telling people a cool thing you did is cool. Telling people everyone's reaction to said cool thing is super lame.
I wanna find a flock of sheep and put hipster glasses on all of them. EXCEPT ONE.
I wish someone would let me know if the shark is nature's perfect killing machine. It seems like no one is willing to clear that up for me.
Ahhh, Presidential primaries. That time of year when we decide which of our nation's stupidest monsters we want to have a chance of ruling.
The GOP primary looks like it's going to be Boss Hogg, the Wicked Stepmother, or (most likely) Bill Lumbergh.
Romney comes up to your desk with his mug: "Yyyyeaaahhh. I'm afraid we're going to need you to come in to work... through your eighties."
At this point, if you are a rabidly anti-gay GOP representative, you might as well just put a fucking rainbow sticker on your car.
Writing a novel is a bit like pushing a car. At first you think, "Can I even get this huge thing moving?" Then it starts going downhill.
What I'm trying to say is that I think my book just crashed through my neighbor's fence and killed her dog.
Just read The Diary of Lisa Frank. It's hard to hide unicorns in an attic! #scratchandsniffHitlersmelledlikeONIONSyouguys #tears
When my alarm clock went off this morning, I thought I could keep pressing snooze as often as I liked because the clock was IMAP. Yeah.
Manilla: the flavor of the boy next door. See also: Machocolate.
Twitter is the great equalizer. It reminds us that we are all, celebrity and schmoe alike, similarly banal. And that makes it okay somehow.
I thought I saw a coworker that I recognized, but then I remembered that she died and I forgot. I am a bad person!
On that topic, sometimes the fact that I am a living organism freaks me out a little bit. Holy shit! Look what I can do! *move hands*
I think people who define themselves by abstinence and rejection hold onto their pride so firmly because pride is their only reward for it.
"Spumoni" is the naughtiest name for any dessert ever. Think about it.
I am a whore for Snyder's Sourdough Pretzels. Not the "old-fashioned" kind, the sourdough ones. They're sodium good.
A great name for a kitten: Sergeant Mewsleby.
Man, all these flowers, just taking and giving pollen to each other indiscriminately... plants are such whores.
People keep asking to be a character in my stories. I'm tempted to make "you" a character: Thad and Fedora are fuckin' mad-style when suddenly you walk in. They curl their lips in disgust. "We would NEVER screw THAT," they sneer.
I saved a bunch of worms' lives from the sidewalk, but they just crawled back onto it. God damn it, stupid emo worms. #noonecaresifwedie
I want to start a store called Tote-ology. All it will sell is satchels, backpacks, purses, totebags. And it ITSELF will be a giant totebag.
Watching Pee-Wee's big adventure. @jakebe just met Large Marge and tried to claw backward through the chair.
This morning, walking in to work, I actually slipped on a banana peel. #reallifecliches
Saw Alice in Wonderland. Why can't these movies retain the original's satire of British government and still be relevant to me personally?
Some people laugh at understatement, and some people laugh at overstatement, but I think overstatement is marginally funnier.
I dreamed I saved Lady Gaga from a cult of brainwashing Christian fundamentalists. That's right. My dreams are better than yours. #envyme
Ah, sweet lavatory solace that smelleth oft like poo! How intimate your stalls are, yet how public is your loo! #shakespearepoopsandtweets
I was always fascinated by the box for "sharps" at the hospital. I wish they would plural nounify more adjectives. Put your slipperies here.
No girl is ever lucky to have a guy. We are terrible. TERRIBLE. That's why I'm gay: out of sympathy for women.
People with money and power like things the way they are. When the rich and powerful promise change, they are lying. Always.
Saw the MOST PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HOBO EVER last night. Was offering Christians 5c to spit on him. His sign: "You don't care about me anyway."
Nature is being mean to me via allergies so I am taking long drives to throw chemical-filled plastic containers onto endangered animals.
I try not to roleplay in bed because of my low DEX. I keep failing initiative so instead we end up just going to sleep.
Never correct someone who uses "nauseous" in place of "nauseated." Nauseated people do not want to have their grammar corrected. #notetoself
I once had a job hand-painting Magic Eye images on t-shirts. It's difficult. You just have to remember to cross your eyes and dot the tees.
Epiphany: entertainment often suffers because the elements that catch someone's interest are usually not the elements that hold it.
Birds give the worst blowjobs ever. :( #fml
Overstatement wrecks all our good words: ultimate, extreme, amazing, awesome, and epic all mean "pretty good" now. You jerks.
I accidentally ordered "Black Pecker Chicken" at Panda Express. #freudianslap
Rockstar's Energy Shot tastes like someone threw up his Robitussin into a glass of paint thinner. It is the worst thing I've ever tasted.
Jeph Loeb to head Marvel's new television division, because apparently Marvel just likes to cut itself to prove to itself it can still feel.
I have a theory that all people named Eugene are biologically inferior. #butwhattocallit
I am going to make BANK by writing a book called Impulse Control For Dummies. It will be sold in the supermarket checkout aisles.
Old dried-up Daddy Longlegs carcasses are probably completely harmless. But I sure wouldn't wanna have to watch someone eat one!
In movies, occult research always consists of looking of lots of scary illustrations in old books. Ancient movie tomes never have text.
@jakebe is drinking coffee that was pooped out of a foreign kitty. #nopartofthatisalie
@jakebe likes poop that is surprisingly smooth, with a rich, deep flavor and a nice nutty undertone. He hates poop with a harsh finish.
Hyraxes are the most serious-looking animals I have ever seen. Try googling them. They all look amazingly serious.
In an RPG, you only gain XP from the battles you win. In life, you get way more XP from the battles you lose. #andtakingtheirgoldismugging
If you are a murderer, keep newspaper clippings of all your murders on a wall. If you're a modern killer, bookmark the appropriate websites.
At Yankee Candle, I paid lots of money so that I could temporarily own a smell.
My last two calls at work have been from (I swear) Professor Moriarty and William Wallace. I think my telephone may be fictional.
Man I would pay good money to see a movie that had Daniel Day Lewis as Captain Hook.
Imagine a mouse strutting while he sings "These Boots Are Made for Walking." You're welcome. #thesebootsaregonnawalkalloveryou
How come we get most of our befuddledness from Britain? What is it about the UK that produces so many befuddled people in such high quality?
Fry's is selling hands-free earphones. FINALLY. I'm so sick of having to hold my earphones in my ear.
If people had access to time travel technology, someone would end up changing the past and preventing time machines from being invented.
Where do movie bullets go after they shoot out the back window of a vehicle?
The 90s called. They want their insults that reference specific decades back.
Future Proves To Be Less Visually Arresting Than Filmmakers Predicted. #headline
If I act weird, it's because I'm around me all the time, and I'm trying to keep from boring myself.
It's sort of weird that we have an organ called a liver. I'm pretty sure it was just named that by lazy biologists. "It, uh, helps you live"
I'm having @jakebe's butt bronzed. You know, for posteriority.
One day you use a slippery slope argument, the next you're calling someone Hitler, and then shortly after that all rational discourse ends.
Wings SEEM great, but you also basically have four armpits. Sure you get the gift of flight, but is it worth needing twice the deodorant?
Being too predictable can make you tedious to others, but not being predictable enough can rhinoceros.
I frequently crave types of food that I don't actually like, like Cajun. I guess maybe I just want to challenge my face.
With frenemies like this, who needs enemiends?
Emogration: the act of leaving a chat room, message board, or community for the primary purpose of making others feel sorry for you.
A lot of the time, I'll say things just because I think they're clever or insightful, and not because they're actually true. Like now.
Faith is just Hope with a swagger.
We're sorry, but we cannot publish your story at this time. Yes, it is only because we are biased. Biased against the shitty story you wrote
I've never had angry sex before. I've got to figure out how to get someone mad and horny at the same time. Tricky...
I'm getting to hate Twitter. So many Twitterers do nothing but shamelessly self-promote, when they should be talking about my book.
I'm so bad at keyboarding, even my blood is Typo. #budumptish
Nonconformists unite!
If someone complains that their dog was sexually assaulted, do NOT claim it's the dog's fault for "dressing like that." #vitalinformation
But come on, it was wearing only a collar. I assume other dogs go sorta nuts for that.
Back in the 90s they told us in the future people would shut up about flying cars. It's 2011, people! Stop talking about flying cars already
Relevance never involves saying the thing that everyone else is saying.
A squirrel with a scar for an ear popped out of a trashcan a foot away from me, and then glared balefully at me while EATING A CHICKEN BONE. This is how the Apocalypse starts: we are now mindlessly breeding fearless, carnivorous squirrels.
I like fans because it's great when loose atoms shoot at my face and knock more excited atoms away from it. Atoms feel great!
I knew I shouldn't have looked in the mirror in the bathroom of that haunted wheelchair factory. #badfirstlines
God damn grown-ass men all watching My Little Pony. What is this world coming to? What is next? Teletubbies: The Crime Drama?
Tinky-Winky knows all there is to know about the crying game.
White people who say they'll pretend to be racist to get out of jury duty are really saying "criminals aren't white." Trials for white people must be filled with disappointed fake racists.
If I were Nicholas Cage, I'd be super drunk, too.
I'm agnostic for one reason only: agnostics and atheists use arguments I can follow and understand, and the religious use arguments I can't.
If you go through life thinking that people ought not to act like human beings, you're going to be disappointed most of the time, you human.
JRPG philosophy: It doesn't have to mean anything if you just have your characters always asking what it means.
On the positive side, now my shirt smells like delicious coffee.
Uttering the sentence "No one cares what you think" to ANYONE automatically makes you a liar.
It was probably a dick move to let the drunks on the train sleep through their stop. But they were REALLY exhausted from shouting so loudly.
I don't get the 72 virgins thing. When you get to heaven, your reward is 72 people who are bad at sex? Then: eternity with 72 ex-virgins.
People who are the best at something are always a little nuts, because they've kept on doing it after a reasonable person would have stopped
If you're enjoying mystifying popularity, it could be because no one can look away from a train wreck.
I bet it really sucks to be claustrophobic if you're a fetus.
The moral of every I Dream of Jeannie episode was that women with power ruin everything, even when they're slaves.
Doc Refuses To Give It Straight Without Special Request; Leaves Dozens Uncertain About Ball-Playing Futures.
The bigger they are, the more likely to be hit by a meteor.
In retrospect, I'm glad I wasn't born with six eyes. Seeing in 7D would be sweet, but glasses would be so much more expensive.
There is a subtle but important difference between someone who wants to be your friend and someone who wants you to be theirs.
I asked our Irish waitress if her accent was Welsh and watched her face flicker with momentary fury.
No, you fool! This is the Internet! If someone learns your true name, it gives him power over you!
You cannot actually talk about Game of Thrones on Twitter because it has more than one hundred and forty characters.
Death isn't so scary when you realize that you've already been not-alive for nearly forever.
Today's elderly often wear their pants too high. Kids like to sag low. In 50 years kids will be all like, "Ugh, pull your pants up, grampa."
I'm always impressed with people who can discern innocence or guilt based on cursory review of news stories.
My suspicion is that once you start to believe you are amazing at something, it's all over. You are not going to get much better after that.
If a human bites a zombie, it comes back to life. This terrifies zombies.
Telling people a cool thing you did is cool. Telling people everyone's reaction to said cool thing is super lame.
I wanna find a flock of sheep and put hipster glasses on all of them. EXCEPT ONE.
I wish someone would let me know if the shark is nature's perfect killing machine. It seems like no one is willing to clear that up for me.
Ahhh, Presidential primaries. That time of year when we decide which of our nation's stupidest monsters we want to have a chance of ruling.
The GOP primary looks like it's going to be Boss Hogg, the Wicked Stepmother, or (most likely) Bill Lumbergh.
Romney comes up to your desk with his mug: "Yyyyeaaahhh. I'm afraid we're going to need you to come in to work... through your eighties."
At this point, if you are a rabidly anti-gay GOP representative, you might as well just put a fucking rainbow sticker on your car.
Writing a novel is a bit like pushing a car. At first you think, "Can I even get this huge thing moving?" Then it starts going downhill.
What I'm trying to say is that I think my book just crashed through my neighbor's fence and killed her dog.