(no subject)
i have no idea why I'm writing in this to be honest with you. I am 99.9% positive nobody will even read it and I'm not exactly sure I will feel better about things after I finish. I am just in a horrible mood. Maybe it's cause of him or maybe it's because of some of my "friends" or maybe it's just me. I really miss last year. I miss high school. Not the place or school itself but the people and the bond I had or thought I had with them. I truly never felt alone. There was always somebody there to talk to, to laugh with, to bitch and complain to, someone was just always THERE. Now I don't talk to 90% of those people and that is fucking depressing. Those people were my family during high school cause mine became so fucked up and broken. My "best friend" and I no longer talk. The one person who I literally always depended on and was always there for me and vice versa is no longer in my life except maybe a 5 min convo or a drunken ramble. After we had a conversation or fight or whatever you'd want to call it about our friendship--she never tried again. And I guess I'm just really hurt by that. And she was the only one that really ever understood my relationship with him. Oh god I miss him. It's pathetic how much but i can't help it. It's been a year since i've seen him in person. We've talked on the phone online and such but i haven't seen him. I havent been able to look at his face, look into his eyes none of that. The worst part is deep inside I know I will probably never see him again. It's over. Done. But I can't let go. I promised myself I'd never let go and I've stuck with that promise through so much bullshit that it seems worse now if I actually just give up. I want to let go more then anything so I dont have to feel this way anymore. I just wish I could see him one last time, say goodbye to him in a normal way but really meaning goodbye forever but getting to look at him again. I hate goodbyes. In Feb. I said goodbye to the first 18 years of my life. We moved. Well we had to move. They sued us and we were forced out. God i miss home so much. This apartment even though its really nice and comfy and pretty will NEVER be the house two blocks away. I can't walk past it. It kills. The day we moved I felt like we were really saying goodbye to my grandma. I hate my uncles more then anything. I wish my grandma was here.I wish my life was on a different course. I hate the school I am at. It's annoying people who only hang out with their own and hardly talk to anyone else. I need to go away to school. I feel like everyone has moved on with their lives and I'm still stuck here. Granted, not everything is bad. I'm just in a bad mood so it seems that way. I do have amazing friends and I have loads of fun with them and they are more important to me then anyone. I have met some great people lately who I feel understand me and who I get along with extremely. I just need to get away. Which I will be in two weeks to California. Maybe when I get back my head will be clear and I won't feel so bad.