I forget what I had titled this before my compy crashed..
But ya.. I'm nostalgic.. I had just gone through an episode.. now am more stable I guess.. and as some of you may know.. I tend to get all... analytical when fucked up.
Found this entry... over two years ago now.. It's sad and funny?
I'm repetitive when it comes to the needs or wants I have... I just want love, seemingly.. hell, I miss sex like mad. I want it to mean something though... to have a real bond with someone again.. since my last was more of.. pity for me..? And curiosity.. but.. I thought it may had been justified for we cared about each other... not saying it's any different now.. just.. in a needing sense I guess?
I just don't know.. love.. is it real? Dopamine? The thought process of being so used to someone?
It's almost 5am... I'm in for a bruising.. damnit.
This entry.. was written after I had driven to Maine I think
"I don't know if this is some kind of backlash from Sex and the City viewers or what.. but I keep talking or hearing about friends that are constantly having casual sex... no one seems to want an actual relationship anymore.
In a few instances I didn't bring up anything about relations.. but when things start going into sexual innuendos... it gets fucked up and I find myself not wanting to talk or hangout with just flirty girls.
I know it appears as if I'm fiending... but I hate talking to people that could possibly become friends and find out that they'd like to get in my pants at some point, which is weird for me.. since it's been a long time since this kind of thing has happened.. .and I'm trying to stay away from it because i don't want to shift into old patterns.
I may be coming off as a prude but I really don't want to sleep around like I did a couple years ago.. yes, it was fun but it was empty and left me feeling hollow after they left... knowing that it was most likely going nowhere or that they'd have some other dude to fuck.
As hard as it may be able to believe... I used to be able to shut off my emotions.. I've become more emo this last year and the thought of romance grasps my head and heart like a vice.
I want to commit.. and as time has shown... women, really don't. They may say it... they may act like it.. but it's a fantasy to them.. I've had a few girls say they wanted love and just sleep with me then act like I was nothing... going back to their ex's... then repeating things or turning into something like I fell for an act...
I wonder if it's an actual mental imbalance, wanting the ones that don't want me.. women done made me mad!"
"I'm starting to feel like a mooch and honestly, I don't know why people are so nice about it when I can basically cover shit at some level... yet I still get some kind of aid.
I keep thinking about my relations and wonder about things.. I should let go but again, I can't help being this foolish. In some senses, I just want to love... in others, I just want to be loved. The intimacy with one person that feels mutual.. is done fucked. Why I'll neglect shit or myself, I believe till something evens me out.. maybe? I think of Jen and know that we most likely wouldn't work out.. her personality not being really compassionate at all... I get the feeling that she's only like it to me because I've showed her so much.. and my "sweet" ways or whatever... cooking for her trying to make her happy.. I can't help but like her, since she's the kind of girl I had loved once or believed I did.. that type A personality, not perfect.. but when trying to be, seeing all the little kinks in her armor.. making it all apparent to me, that she's human.. weird that it touches me. But humanity does.. I somehow feel as if I'm condescending.. probably am.. don't know why.. I'm as fucked as everyone else.
I hope Ursula is feeling better... I think she is due to a message I recieved but I think she typed it quickly... me being in a hurry only skimming, so maybe I read it wrong, I don't know.
The thought of her, seems somehow motivational.. same for some other things... but they're quite daunting.. have it be with the suicides... of three people being, in my mind, like me at some point... or liking something about my personality. Thinking.. that maybe I'm like them and shouldn't be here as well.. but am I that special? To not let anyone else know me? To keep myself hidden from them?
I yammer.
Ending a day in thought.. not good.. makes for twisted or emotional thoughts before I pass out.. I love most of you. Feels right to say at this moment.. something feels dreadful.
"I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord
my soul to take."
Such a good prayer.. but if only, if only.. I actually had something to believe in."
"From what people said about the 2.5 hour "hangout" on the side of her apt in my car.. and her actions about the 3 hug-kiss.. then watching me as she walked around the corner, not even looking at where she was going.. hopefully not an act.
.:Horoscope:.
"Today you'll receive some mixed signals from an unexpected source -- could they want more than friendship? Don't let things stay ambiguous for too long. Get to the bottom of their behavior as soon as possible."
That definately doesn't reassure me."
"So the plan went off kilter... she didn't work today due to some schedule snaffu or what not.. so I let her do her homework and I shot around to deliver flowers to my friends.. turns out that I froze them in my freezer.. the white ones I intended for friends, not Deanna's...
Went to a Chinese/Jap restaurant.. and got her some sushi/sushima and we talked for most of the meal.. it was cute. :o
She loved the roses, the poem, the chocolates(insisted on giving me half of one, fed it to me) and the two bears I gave her.. since one shouldn't be lonely or something. :x
I have an interview for Fargo on Thursday at 2.. hopefully I get the job, I'd be making 1.5 times the cash I'm making now.. and be packing heat! Heh. I need the money.. hours getting cut and so on.. otherwise I may work at a pizza joint that's expanding here in town. I just know that I'll barely be able to cover my car with the money I have coming in soon.. if that.
But ya... after the restaurant, I got a text from my friend Billy aka Sin about how the bar sucked tonight so he just went home with his girl and basically were going to pass out... so instead of meeting up with them and everyone else, I just went with Miss D alone to Strange Brew and listened to the house band jam as they do.. talking and doing the occasional intimate gestures... some wasted guy who had been sitting infront of where we were standing turned around and said,"happy Valentine's day you guys"... had long crazy grey hair...so perfect.. haha
Got to see her apt and her roommate.. even though I get a vibe that he was trying to ignore us.. and when we were saying goodbye in the hall he just randomly left.. when I had gone out to my car.. he had walked a good 40 yards or so ahead of me.. and he was just randomly walking off into the night.. possibly got into a car at some point or just kept walking.. couldn't tell from the distance.
So ya, a good night.. nothing confirmed still but I don't want to pressure it.. she's awesome.
"Why do the people that like me feel the need to beat around the bush?
She likes her friend... had liked her friend before she ever met me.. but then she met me and things just happened.. as she told me she didn't like shuffling her feelings between the two of us. She's in talks with her friend and all I could do what coax her into making something happen to stop the "unweariness" going on between them.
My coping is a little better now. It doesn't stop the pain.. but pain is only temporary.. it stops somewhere along the line.
"I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile
about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you
Just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love,
'Cause every colour goes where you do.
I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying
about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you
Just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love,
'Cause every colour goes where you do.
I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that he feels without me?
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you
Just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love,
'Cause every colour goes where you do.
'Cause every colour goes where you do... ""
Twas a good fucking show.
Really wish I could've brought someone.
Downside being that we had to wait an hour in the cold to get inside.
Half hour into the waiting I noticed that I was behind Henry. We used to party as his place all the time in Nashua, before I legal and afterwards, heh.. so this was a loooong time ago. Wasn't sure it was him till I hit him in the arm and asked. Then we reminisced and he introduced me to his girlfriend. He's pretty close to pushing 30 by now.. I believe. Still cool shizzle.
I loved the spectacle of the show... girls walking around with wooden cigar boxes open and stickers inside. Random girls dancing around from the brigade and just fans. There was an amusing fellow that was twirling a stick while we waited outside... he literally stripped down for people.. giving off portions of his clothing to people to keep them warm, then just giving out merch.
I sat dead center in the back row so I could see everything.. there was talk of overselling going on but it didn't really show, then again, I wasn't in the balcony to see what kind of crowd was up there.
The woman that took my "ticket" looked at the number that it was for and just asked who else was with me and I just said I couldn't find anyone else to come.. she just looked at me and the number, then initialed the sheet and told me to move on. Then I got a nifty stamp on the back of my hand.
Twas going to buy merch but the line was too long and I wanted to get a good seat././. thinking that I could get some when I left.. which I didn't do since for the last half of the Dresden Dolls set I had been standing.. when I went to move everything was spinning.. so I just made haste and left.. I couldn't believe how fucked up I was when I got outside... the kind of fucked up where if you move your head too fast, you could get anxious feelings.
I should've eaten more of my mall food that I had in my car.. since I stopped off to get something to eat since I hadn't eaten all day.. then to get some Delsym.. which killed my random coughs... which I had in my jacket pocket for the whole night and just swigged a little each time I felt a cough coming on. So ya... I made it back to my car feeling like a drunk... but when I sat down again.. everything seemed fine.
I'm never doing that again.
Drove home in a daze.. trying to keep my car within the lines.. speed staying at 70.. every now and then shooting up to 80 or 90.. playing NIN and then :Wumpscut: didn't help shit... started tripping me out... the random beats and the feel of the road underneath me... basically on edge the whole time.. just whoa.
That is not what to do kids. I'm a trained moron, I've worked at it for years. Do not try this at home.
I'm honestly a fool... good thing I wore layers tonight.. leather jacket.. lippy velvet... lippy vest... then a white collar..wish I wore another pair of pants to keep me legs warm.. and brought that damn top hat from the back of my car... since it was top hat heaven... top hats running around in peace together... just magical.
Modesty... she had mucho.. now... it's still there.. but...
I remember showing pictures to my friends of her on my cell.. Billy and Jen wanting to meet her..
Shit's just gone all weird in me.. like the tides, things just.. go that route.. hopefully things will work out.. I've smoked wayy too many cloves.. 24 hours for a box.. not good, heh. T
Found this entry... over two years ago now.. It's sad and funny?
I'm repetitive when it comes to the needs or wants I have... I just want love, seemingly.. hell, I miss sex like mad. I want it to mean something though... to have a real bond with someone again.. since my last was more of.. pity for me..? And curiosity.. but.. I thought it may had been justified for we cared about each other... not saying it's any different now.. just.. in a needing sense I guess?
I just don't know.. love.. is it real? Dopamine? The thought process of being so used to someone?
It's almost 5am... I'm in for a bruising.. damnit.
This entry.. was written after I had driven to Maine I think
"I don't know if this is some kind of backlash from Sex and the City viewers or what.. but I keep talking or hearing about friends that are constantly having casual sex... no one seems to want an actual relationship anymore.
In a few instances I didn't bring up anything about relations.. but when things start going into sexual innuendos... it gets fucked up and I find myself not wanting to talk or hangout with just flirty girls.
I know it appears as if I'm fiending... but I hate talking to people that could possibly become friends and find out that they'd like to get in my pants at some point, which is weird for me.. since it's been a long time since this kind of thing has happened.. .and I'm trying to stay away from it because i don't want to shift into old patterns.
I may be coming off as a prude but I really don't want to sleep around like I did a couple years ago.. yes, it was fun but it was empty and left me feeling hollow after they left... knowing that it was most likely going nowhere or that they'd have some other dude to fuck.
As hard as it may be able to believe... I used to be able to shut off my emotions.. I've become more emo this last year and the thought of romance grasps my head and heart like a vice.
I want to commit.. and as time has shown... women, really don't. They may say it... they may act like it.. but it's a fantasy to them.. I've had a few girls say they wanted love and just sleep with me then act like I was nothing... going back to their ex's... then repeating things or turning into something like I fell for an act...
I wonder if it's an actual mental imbalance, wanting the ones that don't want me.. women done made me mad!"
"I'm starting to feel like a mooch and honestly, I don't know why people are so nice about it when I can basically cover shit at some level... yet I still get some kind of aid.
I keep thinking about my relations and wonder about things.. I should let go but again, I can't help being this foolish. In some senses, I just want to love... in others, I just want to be loved. The intimacy with one person that feels mutual.. is done fucked. Why I'll neglect shit or myself, I believe till something evens me out.. maybe? I think of Jen and know that we most likely wouldn't work out.. her personality not being really compassionate at all... I get the feeling that she's only like it to me because I've showed her so much.. and my "sweet" ways or whatever... cooking for her trying to make her happy.. I can't help but like her, since she's the kind of girl I had loved once or believed I did.. that type A personality, not perfect.. but when trying to be, seeing all the little kinks in her armor.. making it all apparent to me, that she's human.. weird that it touches me. But humanity does.. I somehow feel as if I'm condescending.. probably am.. don't know why.. I'm as fucked as everyone else.
I hope Ursula is feeling better... I think she is due to a message I recieved but I think she typed it quickly... me being in a hurry only skimming, so maybe I read it wrong, I don't know.
The thought of her, seems somehow motivational.. same for some other things... but they're quite daunting.. have it be with the suicides... of three people being, in my mind, like me at some point... or liking something about my personality. Thinking.. that maybe I'm like them and shouldn't be here as well.. but am I that special? To not let anyone else know me? To keep myself hidden from them?
I yammer.
Ending a day in thought.. not good.. makes for twisted or emotional thoughts before I pass out.. I love most of you. Feels right to say at this moment.. something feels dreadful.
"I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord
my soul to take."
Such a good prayer.. but if only, if only.. I actually had something to believe in."
"From what people said about the 2.5 hour "hangout" on the side of her apt in my car.. and her actions about the 3 hug-kiss.. then watching me as she walked around the corner, not even looking at where she was going.. hopefully not an act.
.:Horoscope:.
"Today you'll receive some mixed signals from an unexpected source -- could they want more than friendship? Don't let things stay ambiguous for too long. Get to the bottom of their behavior as soon as possible."
That definately doesn't reassure me."
"So the plan went off kilter... she didn't work today due to some schedule snaffu or what not.. so I let her do her homework and I shot around to deliver flowers to my friends.. turns out that I froze them in my freezer.. the white ones I intended for friends, not Deanna's...
Went to a Chinese/Jap restaurant.. and got her some sushi/sushima and we talked for most of the meal.. it was cute. :o
She loved the roses, the poem, the chocolates(insisted on giving me half of one, fed it to me) and the two bears I gave her.. since one shouldn't be lonely or something. :x
I have an interview for Fargo on Thursday at 2.. hopefully I get the job, I'd be making 1.5 times the cash I'm making now.. and be packing heat! Heh. I need the money.. hours getting cut and so on.. otherwise I may work at a pizza joint that's expanding here in town. I just know that I'll barely be able to cover my car with the money I have coming in soon.. if that.
But ya... after the restaurant, I got a text from my friend Billy aka Sin about how the bar sucked tonight so he just went home with his girl and basically were going to pass out... so instead of meeting up with them and everyone else, I just went with Miss D alone to Strange Brew and listened to the house band jam as they do.. talking and doing the occasional intimate gestures... some wasted guy who had been sitting infront of where we were standing turned around and said,"happy Valentine's day you guys"... had long crazy grey hair...so perfect.. haha
Got to see her apt and her roommate.. even though I get a vibe that he was trying to ignore us.. and when we were saying goodbye in the hall he just randomly left.. when I had gone out to my car.. he had walked a good 40 yards or so ahead of me.. and he was just randomly walking off into the night.. possibly got into a car at some point or just kept walking.. couldn't tell from the distance.
So ya, a good night.. nothing confirmed still but I don't want to pressure it.. she's awesome.
"Why do the people that like me feel the need to beat around the bush?
She likes her friend... had liked her friend before she ever met me.. but then she met me and things just happened.. as she told me she didn't like shuffling her feelings between the two of us. She's in talks with her friend and all I could do what coax her into making something happen to stop the "unweariness" going on between them.
My coping is a little better now. It doesn't stop the pain.. but pain is only temporary.. it stops somewhere along the line.
"I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile
about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you
Just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love,
'Cause every colour goes where you do.
I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying
about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you
Just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love,
'Cause every colour goes where you do.
I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that he feels without me?
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you
Just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love,
'Cause every colour goes where you do.
'Cause every colour goes where you do... ""
Twas a good fucking show.
Really wish I could've brought someone.
Downside being that we had to wait an hour in the cold to get inside.
Half hour into the waiting I noticed that I was behind Henry. We used to party as his place all the time in Nashua, before I legal and afterwards, heh.. so this was a loooong time ago. Wasn't sure it was him till I hit him in the arm and asked. Then we reminisced and he introduced me to his girlfriend. He's pretty close to pushing 30 by now.. I believe. Still cool shizzle.
I loved the spectacle of the show... girls walking around with wooden cigar boxes open and stickers inside. Random girls dancing around from the brigade and just fans. There was an amusing fellow that was twirling a stick while we waited outside... he literally stripped down for people.. giving off portions of his clothing to people to keep them warm, then just giving out merch.
I sat dead center in the back row so I could see everything.. there was talk of overselling going on but it didn't really show, then again, I wasn't in the balcony to see what kind of crowd was up there.
The woman that took my "ticket" looked at the number that it was for and just asked who else was with me and I just said I couldn't find anyone else to come.. she just looked at me and the number, then initialed the sheet and told me to move on. Then I got a nifty stamp on the back of my hand.
Twas going to buy merch but the line was too long and I wanted to get a good seat././. thinking that I could get some when I left.. which I didn't do since for the last half of the Dresden Dolls set I had been standing.. when I went to move everything was spinning.. so I just made haste and left.. I couldn't believe how fucked up I was when I got outside... the kind of fucked up where if you move your head too fast, you could get anxious feelings.
I should've eaten more of my mall food that I had in my car.. since I stopped off to get something to eat since I hadn't eaten all day.. then to get some Delsym.. which killed my random coughs... which I had in my jacket pocket for the whole night and just swigged a little each time I felt a cough coming on. So ya... I made it back to my car feeling like a drunk... but when I sat down again.. everything seemed fine.
I'm never doing that again.
Drove home in a daze.. trying to keep my car within the lines.. speed staying at 70.. every now and then shooting up to 80 or 90.. playing NIN and then :Wumpscut: didn't help shit... started tripping me out... the random beats and the feel of the road underneath me... basically on edge the whole time.. just whoa.
That is not what to do kids. I'm a trained moron, I've worked at it for years. Do not try this at home.
I'm honestly a fool... good thing I wore layers tonight.. leather jacket.. lippy velvet... lippy vest... then a white collar..wish I wore another pair of pants to keep me legs warm.. and brought that damn top hat from the back of my car... since it was top hat heaven... top hats running around in peace together... just magical.
Modesty... she had mucho.. now... it's still there.. but...
I remember showing pictures to my friends of her on my cell.. Billy and Jen wanting to meet her..
Shit's just gone all weird in me.. like the tides, things just.. go that route.. hopefully things will work out.. I've smoked wayy too many cloves.. 24 hours for a box.. not good, heh. T