Back in Berkeley

[tonyarose]

I got back at around 7:00 or so. Sonora was alright, but mostly just really rough, what with Josh being there too. We had a good time hanging out, but when you're so used to being a couple, a lot of hanging out involves physical contact like holding hands, hugging, etc. so it was difficult to hold all of those desires inside the whole time. I think it was probably difficult for him too. We just get emotional at different times. I get all sad and teary when we're together, he gets sad when we're apart, so I get this idea in my head that this is harder for me, which is totally untrue, it's just that I never see him crying about it. That wasn't a very eloquently-crafted sentence... oh well. I just get so frustrated about the whole thing. It was a good idea, right? I was pretty sure at the time, but maybe I didn't give it enough thought, or maybe I just need to tough it out and remember the reasons I wanted to separate in the first place. This breakup stuff is so confusing and awful. I'm actually depressed, which hasn't happened in a long time. It just feels like my mind is under this thick layer of fog, and nothing can breach it. It's a yucky feeling, full of doubt and sadness and ambivalence and general apathy for things that should be important. I know it'll clear soon, though. I'll be hopeful. I just miss everything about him so much it actually hurts.

Sorry, everyone who reads this, for these sad breakup entries. I'm sure things will start getting happier soon.