wow, not sure what brought me back to you livejournal.
Under all of my personas I'm just a lie. I'm not as hard as only I think myself up to be. Being on my own for it seems like so long its the only thing I can remember has fucked with my head. I build myself to believe things that I truly believe because I have forced myself to think that way for so long. There is really only one thing I want even though it has massive different amounts of ways to come to me. But I don't think I will ever let it. Its the one thing I make myself to believe. That I don't have feelings, that nothing can hurt me because I have already suffered to much. I know tomorrow even after having this "epiphany," I'll go back to my shield of lies. Because there's always that thought in my head. Like this one. Every one has always said ... you love her, its just a teenage stage. But her lying on that hospital bed telling me she loved me. She looked more like a stranger than ever. I could do nothing but look at the floor. I felt nothing of love just anger and sadness. And that is so wrong and selfish. I had to do the growing up, why can't I fix this. With all the life changing things that have happened to me over the past couple weeks. My thoughts are still the same. Its hard for me to forgive. I want to. I want to more than anything, but I have been put through so much. Even with your effort all I can think about is leaving. Getting out of here, on my own. This wasn't originally meant to be about my mother. But as I rambled on that's what came out. Maybe I should learn something from that. As I said before what I want has many different ways of coming to be ... but the only one I talked about in this entry was my mother. All this is so easy to think but when it really comes down to it whether my mom is a prostitute smoking crack on a street corner or a nun running around preaching about god. I don't know if I can forgive her for everything just because she realized she had a daughter after she does something so incredibly stupid. I want to believe in love. Whether it is to or from my mom or any one else I care about, but she has made it so hard to do.