April 19, 2010
I absolutely hate it when people talk about luck based on superstition. Yeah, I said it. Absolutely hate. Apparently my father was superstitious about ivy growing in the yard or being in the house at all. Apparently he told Marcie once that he wouldn't stay in her house overnight (while they were dating and being naughty) while she had a plant that had ivy growing inside the house. How stupid is that?
Then...a few days after my Dad died...we noticed there was some ivy growing by our front door. Marcie looked down and said that if we had only seen it sooner, maybe my Dad wouldn't have died.
Yes. Pulling some ivy would have prevented the death of a man who smoked at least a pack a day for forty years. Yes. That sounds logical.
Tonight she told me she is going to trade her wedding ring in or some earrings because 1) it's not the best cut (or something like that whatever she's just never happy sometimes) and 2) she doesn't want to save the ring for someone else because she thinks it's bad luck. When I asked her why, she looked at me as if I was the silly one. Because her husband died, of course! Silly me! She didn't seem to understand my point of "till death do us part" because obviously what that really means is you'll both live to be old and die together in bed like in The Notebook.
People really get on my nerves sometime. She also told me this past New Year's that maybe I was the reason my Dad died because I didn't eat all of the correct foods last year. I'm sorry. I don't like greens or black eyed peas. I'm not going to take a bite because of luck. I will only take a bite when luck is proven to be a scientific fact. Until then, shut up.
I've had a long time to think about this stuff, and I decided a while ago that I don't really believe in god...at least not in the Christian way. I suppose agnosticism would be the best way to describe it. And you know what? I've never felt more clear about my life because I'm no longer searching for answers to life-long questions and such. I'm just living. I tried to approach this topic with my brother, but he told me that unless I spoke to a priest about this right away and got back on the right path, I was going to hell. He told me that he, Mom, and Dad would like to see me in heaven one day. Thanks?
I don't know why I shared these thoughts with him. I guess I wanted to tell someone in my family. I've never been a Jesus-freak. I used to think I was, like the time when I asked Adam not to take Christ's name in vain in front of me. What a lame-o I was. I mean...seriously. Who does that? I've never wanted to convert anyone. I've always hated the idea of trying to convert someone. My Mom was always trying to convert people...sometimes to the point of embarrassing me. I know she was doing what she felt was right in her heart, and I still admire her for doing so. She had more guts than I do. If I really cared about my opinions, I would actually sit down and have this conversation with my brother and tell him how I feel and not walk away feeling like I've lost something.
But you see, I know how this is all going to play out in my family. Even though I asked him not to, Patrick is going to tell everyone in our family...most of whom are Catholic. I've already told him I will never willingly set foot in a Catholic church again, unless for a wedding or funeral, because of my feelings towards the church and their reactions to the pedophilia that continues to occur on their watch. Anyways, people will start to ease religious things into conversations...Marcie will keep trying to get me to go to church (I'm sorry. You're not going to convert me by taking me to a church in a strip-mall). I will respectfully attend church services where we all go as a family (or whatever you want to call my situation now) and I will not say anything because, ultimately, I don't want to cause any trouble. Unfortunately, I have a family that would treat me differently if I were gay, an atheist, married a person of a different faith, etc. Anything that the Republicans of thirty years ago (or today) would ostracize you for...that's my family.
Except my Mom wouldn't do that. My Dad probably wouldn't either, but I know my Mom wouldn't. My Mom laid it out for me very clearly when I was a kid. No matter what I did or no matter what I thought, she would always love me and never want me to feel pushed away. I miss that. Even though I don't really believe in an afterlife, I still feel her love around me all the time. I don't know if that makes sense, but it helps me. Last night I had a dream where she was dying, yet she kept telling me she wasn't. My Dad had already died previously in the dream (these occur a lot) and so it was already a bummer. But I woke up before she died, so I woke up thinking "Hey I wanna talk to Mom" and then it always takes me a second before I just scream...
"GODDAMN-IT!"
Edit: I've talked to Sean about this a lot. My favorite thing that he said once was, "I can't wait for the rapture...then all of those annoying people will be gone." That's not meant to offend...just make you laugh at the crazy people.
Then...a few days after my Dad died...we noticed there was some ivy growing by our front door. Marcie looked down and said that if we had only seen it sooner, maybe my Dad wouldn't have died.
Yes. Pulling some ivy would have prevented the death of a man who smoked at least a pack a day for forty years. Yes. That sounds logical.
Tonight she told me she is going to trade her wedding ring in or some earrings because 1) it's not the best cut (or something like that whatever she's just never happy sometimes) and 2) she doesn't want to save the ring for someone else because she thinks it's bad luck. When I asked her why, she looked at me as if I was the silly one. Because her husband died, of course! Silly me! She didn't seem to understand my point of "till death do us part" because obviously what that really means is you'll both live to be old and die together in bed like in The Notebook.
People really get on my nerves sometime. She also told me this past New Year's that maybe I was the reason my Dad died because I didn't eat all of the correct foods last year. I'm sorry. I don't like greens or black eyed peas. I'm not going to take a bite because of luck. I will only take a bite when luck is proven to be a scientific fact. Until then, shut up.
I've had a long time to think about this stuff, and I decided a while ago that I don't really believe in god...at least not in the Christian way. I suppose agnosticism would be the best way to describe it. And you know what? I've never felt more clear about my life because I'm no longer searching for answers to life-long questions and such. I'm just living. I tried to approach this topic with my brother, but he told me that unless I spoke to a priest about this right away and got back on the right path, I was going to hell. He told me that he, Mom, and Dad would like to see me in heaven one day. Thanks?
I don't know why I shared these thoughts with him. I guess I wanted to tell someone in my family. I've never been a Jesus-freak. I used to think I was, like the time when I asked Adam not to take Christ's name in vain in front of me. What a lame-o I was. I mean...seriously. Who does that? I've never wanted to convert anyone. I've always hated the idea of trying to convert someone. My Mom was always trying to convert people...sometimes to the point of embarrassing me. I know she was doing what she felt was right in her heart, and I still admire her for doing so. She had more guts than I do. If I really cared about my opinions, I would actually sit down and have this conversation with my brother and tell him how I feel and not walk away feeling like I've lost something.
But you see, I know how this is all going to play out in my family. Even though I asked him not to, Patrick is going to tell everyone in our family...most of whom are Catholic. I've already told him I will never willingly set foot in a Catholic church again, unless for a wedding or funeral, because of my feelings towards the church and their reactions to the pedophilia that continues to occur on their watch. Anyways, people will start to ease religious things into conversations...Marcie will keep trying to get me to go to church (I'm sorry. You're not going to convert me by taking me to a church in a strip-mall). I will respectfully attend church services where we all go as a family (or whatever you want to call my situation now) and I will not say anything because, ultimately, I don't want to cause any trouble. Unfortunately, I have a family that would treat me differently if I were gay, an atheist, married a person of a different faith, etc. Anything that the Republicans of thirty years ago (or today) would ostracize you for...that's my family.
Except my Mom wouldn't do that. My Dad probably wouldn't either, but I know my Mom wouldn't. My Mom laid it out for me very clearly when I was a kid. No matter what I did or no matter what I thought, she would always love me and never want me to feel pushed away. I miss that. Even though I don't really believe in an afterlife, I still feel her love around me all the time. I don't know if that makes sense, but it helps me. Last night I had a dream where she was dying, yet she kept telling me she wasn't. My Dad had already died previously in the dream (these occur a lot) and so it was already a bummer. But I woke up before she died, so I woke up thinking "Hey I wanna talk to Mom" and then it always takes me a second before I just scream...
"GODDAMN-IT!"
Edit: I've talked to Sean about this a lot. My favorite thing that he said once was, "I can't wait for the rapture...then all of those annoying people will be gone." That's not meant to offend...just make you laugh at the crazy people.