(no subject)
i only live my life on what i dont want for myself.
not on what i want.
if i want to do it, it doesnt matter.
ill only do it if itll help me not be who i dont want to be.
today while waiting at a red light, i saw a guy walking, and it filled me with such a sadness. im not sure why.
he looked a little lost, and he had a bag of mcdonalds. he wasnt obese, but he wasnt in the best shape. this image, as he walked, for some reason threw me into too much emotion.
many times i see people on the street, and i picture their lives, and its never happy.
they are always alone, and living by themselves.
they have a meaningless minimum wage job, no car, and a shitty apartment.
they have noone, and not much of a reason to live really.
even at restaurants, i see people eating alone, and i often consider joining them for the meal.
maybe they did want to just eat alone.
or did it occur to you that they just got stood up for a date?
or maybe they never had a date, and have lived alone their whole lives.
maybe noone wanted to go with them.
maybe everyone was just too busy.
what if that person goes home after their meal and kills themselves?
when just hours earlier, there was actually someone curious about that persons existance.
and i dont want that for myself.
i dont know exactly what i want, but i know precisely what i dont want.
i dont want to be alone, i dont want to be down on my luck, i dont want to be walking down the street so another lost soul can figure out my sad life.
i just worry constantly about my future.
i dont want to be a failure.
i dont want to be struggling my whole life, and mostly i dont want to be struggling alone.
most of the time i can be thankful for my friends.
i have some wonderful people in my life right now.
but i feel so incompetant by comparison.
i dont feel like i make the same milestones that they have.
i really feel like my days have been numbered.
i dont want to have to live alone, i want to be able to be social with people long enough to live with them.
i dont feel like i can connect with people.
socialization is just too hard and akward for me.
simply by what i dont want, i know i want to have a good job, with a nice house, a lasting relationship with a wonderful husband, adorable children, a good car, and dinners at chuck-e-cheese with my not perfect, but amazing family.
i dont want to eat alone at mcdonalds.
not on what i want.
if i want to do it, it doesnt matter.
ill only do it if itll help me not be who i dont want to be.
today while waiting at a red light, i saw a guy walking, and it filled me with such a sadness. im not sure why.
he looked a little lost, and he had a bag of mcdonalds. he wasnt obese, but he wasnt in the best shape. this image, as he walked, for some reason threw me into too much emotion.
many times i see people on the street, and i picture their lives, and its never happy.
they are always alone, and living by themselves.
they have a meaningless minimum wage job, no car, and a shitty apartment.
they have noone, and not much of a reason to live really.
even at restaurants, i see people eating alone, and i often consider joining them for the meal.
maybe they did want to just eat alone.
or did it occur to you that they just got stood up for a date?
or maybe they never had a date, and have lived alone their whole lives.
maybe noone wanted to go with them.
maybe everyone was just too busy.
what if that person goes home after their meal and kills themselves?
when just hours earlier, there was actually someone curious about that persons existance.
and i dont want that for myself.
i dont know exactly what i want, but i know precisely what i dont want.
i dont want to be alone, i dont want to be down on my luck, i dont want to be walking down the street so another lost soul can figure out my sad life.
i just worry constantly about my future.
i dont want to be a failure.
i dont want to be struggling my whole life, and mostly i dont want to be struggling alone.
most of the time i can be thankful for my friends.
i have some wonderful people in my life right now.
but i feel so incompetant by comparison.
i dont feel like i make the same milestones that they have.
i really feel like my days have been numbered.
i dont want to have to live alone, i want to be able to be social with people long enough to live with them.
i dont feel like i can connect with people.
socialization is just too hard and akward for me.
simply by what i dont want, i know i want to have a good job, with a nice house, a lasting relationship with a wonderful husband, adorable children, a good car, and dinners at chuck-e-cheese with my not perfect, but amazing family.
i dont want to eat alone at mcdonalds.