Being touch-starved
I'm touch-starved. I know this. I've known this for some time. I read an HP fic (I believe it was Mirror of Maybe by Midnight Blue that mentioned it) where Sev reflected on the neediness Ash (Harry) had for touch. He said that it was almost as if Ash was touch-starved. That they responded in two ways: they leaned into any contact they had or they shied away from it.
I fall into the latter category.
I've mentioned how even the thought of someone touching the back of my neck makes me shudder. It's not an exaggeration. Yet I crave TO touch but hold myself back. Mostly cause I'm not sure what is considered appropriate.
What made me think of this, lord knows how, was rememberin' some times when daddy hadn't removed all th' shavin' cream from his face (like around his ears) and I had to point it out to him. Would it be okay for me to simply wipe it off myself or better to point it out, as I've been doing? I WANT to wipe it off myself but it doesn't seem right.
Growing up, Rusty would sleep with me often. I'd always fall asleep with my arm around him and my nose buried in his fur. And he let me. To me, that's a really big sign of bein' touch-starved. I'm always touchin' Maddie an' I did th' same with Tasha an' Rusty-babe. Occasionally, Rusty would leave th' bed an' my room 'fore I fell asleep. Like he thought I was asleep and his job t' make sure I was okay was done. At least in that respect. I miss him. Even after three and a half years, I miss him.
But Tasha never slept with me and Maddie doesn't either. I haven't had that contact while sleeping in ages. I miss it. I just wanna be held.
It's weird, I know. A touch on the back of my neck would make me shudder and being hugged in general makes me tense...but I WANT to be held. *sighs* I hate being this way.