Am I selfish?
I feel sad, but I feel like maybe I don't have the right to feel sad. There are so many real tragedies in the world, my sadness is definitely all about me. I have been looking forward to turning 50 (yeah, I'm a freak) and when Cher asked what I wanted I said all I wanted was a small party. I don't have birthday parties. But for this one, I wanted a party. I didn't want gifts (I rarely do), but she bought me an expensive wonderful tablet for illustrating and drawing with the computer. It's great! But tonight she said this time of the year is really busy and she hasn't had time to plan a party. Maybe next month. Or maybe dinner with my best friend. But my birthday is this Saturday and if Bret wasn't notified weeks ago, he'll be busy. And it feels like a really lame throw something out there attempt. And it's now what I wanted and I didn't really want so much. And I want to cry. It just seems to reinforce my belief, I do whatever, whenever for the ones I love. I put my needs last. Part of that is because it feels like each time I've actually wanted something for me, it doesn't happen. And I get disappointed, hurt, feel like why bother, I'm not really worth that much to others anyway. So here I am again. And I know, there will be some who come rushing to make me feel better, and I will appreciate the kind words and love, I really will, but I'll still feel like less than dog-poo. Yet I feel guilty for feeling sad and wanting something for myself. I'm not losing a loved one is a senseless war/crime. I'm not losing my home or my job. I am really very lucky. I have stability, and love, and no right to whine. So--thanks for letting me vent. And as always, I'll get over it. It's what I do. Get over it and move on. Besides,who knows, maybe when I'm 75 I'll get that party. Probably not though.