(no subject)
god damn, i have a lot of nonsense to do. finals are this week & i keep getting distracted. by distracted, i mean people keep getting me high & evidently this isn't my fault. but it does allow me to combine the mellow & methodical approach with procrastinating. better than getting stressed & panicked, no?
and really, i'm more than willing to mellow out. i've let myself get irritable about things not unfolding or occuring the way that i've envisioned & it's absurd. take my view on guys/relationships as of late-- i keep insisting on stability & consistency. when i get it, i become restless & disenchanted, suddenly deciding that what i really need is to feel nervous & intimidated. all that results in is frustration & wishing for.. stability. you can see where that pattern of thought gets me.
but! i spent this weekend being all sorts of charmed. friday, a boy i had a crush on last year (we'd randomly makeout? i don't know) decided that we should hang out. he paid for dinner, drove around so we could smoke, invited me to new york for new year's, and had more in-depth conversations with me than we ever had when i actually was interested in him. then i hung out with a boy who i've been in an on/off friend with benefits situation with for three years-- so it was the usual menagerie of random people floating in & out of his house, good films, getting high, cuddling, records, etc. and he gave me a book to keep. we always pick up where we left off, no questions asked or feelings involved. he's really sweet to me & i'm attracted just enough to still leave it at the door at the end of the night. and on saturday, i went on a date with a boy & it was adorable-- bickering about paying & fun conversations mixed with comfortable silences & blushing & sharing fondue & him instantly getting along with my best friend.
nothing will result out of any of this & that's fucking fine by me. i do the whole indignant, call-you-when-i-need-you, not opening up, unfair comparisons & unreal standards thing far too often. it's nice to just be a girl, accept compliments, and have someone's complete attention. to forget depth, overanalyzation, sparks and nerves for a few moments. what i deserve, what fits me, what i'll instantly recognize when i see it.. all of it will happen someday. there's no reason why i shouldn't take advantage of other opportunities in the meantime.
and really, i'm more than willing to mellow out. i've let myself get irritable about things not unfolding or occuring the way that i've envisioned & it's absurd. take my view on guys/relationships as of late-- i keep insisting on stability & consistency. when i get it, i become restless & disenchanted, suddenly deciding that what i really need is to feel nervous & intimidated. all that results in is frustration & wishing for.. stability. you can see where that pattern of thought gets me.
but! i spent this weekend being all sorts of charmed. friday, a boy i had a crush on last year (we'd randomly makeout? i don't know) decided that we should hang out. he paid for dinner, drove around so we could smoke, invited me to new york for new year's, and had more in-depth conversations with me than we ever had when i actually was interested in him. then i hung out with a boy who i've been in an on/off friend with benefits situation with for three years-- so it was the usual menagerie of random people floating in & out of his house, good films, getting high, cuddling, records, etc. and he gave me a book to keep. we always pick up where we left off, no questions asked or feelings involved. he's really sweet to me & i'm attracted just enough to still leave it at the door at the end of the night. and on saturday, i went on a date with a boy & it was adorable-- bickering about paying & fun conversations mixed with comfortable silences & blushing & sharing fondue & him instantly getting along with my best friend.
nothing will result out of any of this & that's fucking fine by me. i do the whole indignant, call-you-when-i-need-you, not opening up, unfair comparisons & unreal standards thing far too often. it's nice to just be a girl, accept compliments, and have someone's complete attention. to forget depth, overanalyzation, sparks and nerves for a few moments. what i deserve, what fits me, what i'll instantly recognize when i see it.. all of it will happen someday. there's no reason why i shouldn't take advantage of other opportunities in the meantime.