On Naming Conventions
I was having a conversation with my mother about names the other day. I was saying that if you're giving someone a Biblical name, you might as well name them after a character who did something interesting and was generally a person you might aspire to be. David was nice enough, but he also pulled that terribly slimy stunt with Uriah and Bathsheba. Rebecca was nice and all, but her greatest claim to fame was her younger son and the scam she pulled to deceive her husband and deny her elder son his birthright, and in death she was quietly buried by her neighbours. Rachel, although supposedly a good human being, was more known for her two sons than for any great achievement of her own. And why would you name your daughter Leah? (Seriously - the girl who had to trick a guy into marrying her and who got completely and utterly upstaged by her sister even after she got married, to the extent that even her sister's sons were prioritised over her own?) Now Deborah, for example, was the ultimate in Biblical career women, and Miriam was crucial to the Book of Exodus, despite the punishment she received for criticising her brother's marriage.
In any case, there should be three rather broad rules to follow when naming a child:
1. Find a name that doesn't lend itself easily to playground taunts. Naming your child "Dick" is just begging for trouble.
2. Find a name that you can yell down a flight of stairs satisfactorily. Yelling "Elizabeth Miriam Tomkins, get your ass to the table NOW!" is a lot more satisfying than yelling "Faye Smith, come to dinner!"
3. Find a name that your child's future lovers will be able to scream in bed without giggling. Giving your future daughter-in-law the option of screaming "Oh, Parthasarathy!" in the throes of an orgasm is not really the best of ideas, and poor Parthasarathy will not thank you for it.
In any case, there should be three rather broad rules to follow when naming a child:
1. Find a name that doesn't lend itself easily to playground taunts. Naming your child "Dick" is just begging for trouble.
2. Find a name that you can yell down a flight of stairs satisfactorily. Yelling "Elizabeth Miriam Tomkins, get your ass to the table NOW!" is a lot more satisfying than yelling "Faye Smith, come to dinner!"
3. Find a name that your child's future lovers will be able to scream in bed without giggling. Giving your future daughter-in-law the option of screaming "Oh, Parthasarathy!" in the throes of an orgasm is not really the best of ideas, and poor Parthasarathy will not thank you for it.