so we'll try this once, then burn it all
Yeah, so I thought maybe this would be a good time to write.
A warning for anyone bored enough to read this (though i sincerely doubt anyone will),
This writing has no direction, no meaning. It's just a way for me to get some things out before I
explode.
I learned how to play "Say Goodbye" by BFMV this morning. I always feel better when i pick up a guitar,
especially if I'm learning a hard song. It didn't work this time. The song wasn't as hard as i thought it would
be, and that may have some impact on it. Yet i was just as angry after i learned the song as i was before i started.
Weird. I wanted to learn it because of her. I'm trying my best to kind of cauterize this situation with anger, but it's not working. I wake up feeling like i shouldn't be alive, let alone getting out of bed. So i play. I learn complex, rapid-fire songs that i normally would give up on. And it makes me better. I run, forcing myself to think only of the monotony of pounding feet. It doesn't work at first, so i run harder, faster. I get home just in time to leave for work, where i exhaust myself until i get home. The plan is to be so tired by the time that i get home that i can't think. It doesn't work, but it makes me stronger. I'm not tired when i get home, so i read. I have a couple of college level math, economics, spanish, and literature books. I read them, and even though I'm not in school, i learn. It makes me smarter. I trade witticisms with various people throughout the days, and it makes me quicker. I'm trying to use this pain, this rage. I'm using this feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and worthlessness. And I'm getting better, faster, smarter, stronger. I'm accomplishing things. And then right before i pass out from exhaustion, i think. I ponder. I remember. And i hope. And it was at this point last night that i realized something.
I'll only say what i realized for one reason...
because i know that you'll never hear this,
because you'll never know how much you hurt me.
I won't let you know, because that would hurt you... and i can't do that.
But what i realized is this, and it makes me sick with self-loathing.
I'm trying so hard to improve myself for one reason and one reason alone...
because I'm hoping that if I'm better, faster, stronger, smarter.. maybe someday you'll take me back.
[Error: close lj-embed tag without open tag]
A warning for anyone bored enough to read this (though i sincerely doubt anyone will),
This writing has no direction, no meaning. It's just a way for me to get some things out before I
explode.
I learned how to play "Say Goodbye" by BFMV this morning. I always feel better when i pick up a guitar,
especially if I'm learning a hard song. It didn't work this time. The song wasn't as hard as i thought it would
be, and that may have some impact on it. Yet i was just as angry after i learned the song as i was before i started.
Weird. I wanted to learn it because of her. I'm trying my best to kind of cauterize this situation with anger, but it's not working. I wake up feeling like i shouldn't be alive, let alone getting out of bed. So i play. I learn complex, rapid-fire songs that i normally would give up on. And it makes me better. I run, forcing myself to think only of the monotony of pounding feet. It doesn't work at first, so i run harder, faster. I get home just in time to leave for work, where i exhaust myself until i get home. The plan is to be so tired by the time that i get home that i can't think. It doesn't work, but it makes me stronger. I'm not tired when i get home, so i read. I have a couple of college level math, economics, spanish, and literature books. I read them, and even though I'm not in school, i learn. It makes me smarter. I trade witticisms with various people throughout the days, and it makes me quicker. I'm trying to use this pain, this rage. I'm using this feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and worthlessness. And I'm getting better, faster, smarter, stronger. I'm accomplishing things. And then right before i pass out from exhaustion, i think. I ponder. I remember. And i hope. And it was at this point last night that i realized something.
I'll only say what i realized for one reason...
because i know that you'll never hear this,
because you'll never know how much you hurt me.
I won't let you know, because that would hurt you... and i can't do that.
But what i realized is this, and it makes me sick with self-loathing.
I'm trying so hard to improve myself for one reason and one reason alone...
because I'm hoping that if I'm better, faster, stronger, smarter.. maybe someday you'll take me back.
[Error: close lj-embed tag without open tag]