(no subject)
It feels strange to go through a major life change without making a post on LiveJournal.
And this is a life change that does not yet feel real, or maybe it just doesn't feel like a big deal. It does not feel possible: moving here, for a job like this, was never a goal of mine. That it should happen is a reality that is even now completely disconnected from my past, from how I am accustomed to defining myself, I have no context in which to place it.
The chapters in my life used to be delineated by events: dating X, working at Y. Now I fear that I am in danger of forgetting those events: they fade into the background of more easily defined chapters, like "College" and "My First Job." This frightens me a little, because so many of those things are important to the person I have become. And yet this fresh start (I thought I was out of fresh starts) presents the opportunity to be that person without all that baggage. But who is that person? It scares me to think about how much I have changed in the past few years; I am unfamiliar to myself. How is that okay?
Fresh starts are always exhilerating. I can recognize the artificiality of this bubble. This life change has been all about my new job: I am breathing and dreaming this job. My joy in it permeates every hour. Undoubtably that joy will fade into the everyday. But I hope I can hold on to at least a small part of it, because I know that the specific ways it is pushing me outside my comfort zone (is my comfort zone exclusive to joy?) is very, very good, to any and all relevant definitions of good. This possibility is easier for me to accept than those events that make me "me." And what on earth does that mean?
And this is a life change that does not yet feel real, or maybe it just doesn't feel like a big deal. It does not feel possible: moving here, for a job like this, was never a goal of mine. That it should happen is a reality that is even now completely disconnected from my past, from how I am accustomed to defining myself, I have no context in which to place it.
The chapters in my life used to be delineated by events: dating X, working at Y. Now I fear that I am in danger of forgetting those events: they fade into the background of more easily defined chapters, like "College" and "My First Job." This frightens me a little, because so many of those things are important to the person I have become. And yet this fresh start (I thought I was out of fresh starts) presents the opportunity to be that person without all that baggage. But who is that person? It scares me to think about how much I have changed in the past few years; I am unfamiliar to myself. How is that okay?
Fresh starts are always exhilerating. I can recognize the artificiality of this bubble. This life change has been all about my new job: I am breathing and dreaming this job. My joy in it permeates every hour. Undoubtably that joy will fade into the everyday. But I hope I can hold on to at least a small part of it, because I know that the specific ways it is pushing me outside my comfort zone (is my comfort zone exclusive to joy?) is very, very good, to any and all relevant definitions of good. This possibility is easier for me to accept than those events that make me "me." And what on earth does that mean?