Coming home
Tonight is a good night to write.
The night air is cool and blowing in through my open window. I'm listening to the fairly mellow sounds of the new Death Cab album. I've had a number of powerful thoughts for a while... yet I haven't really spoken them to anyone. These thoughts aren't all closely related, aside from being mine.
To start with, there is my future. Specifically, my plans to go abroad and teach English. Never have I spoken of doing something for so long without having actually done it. Granted, this is for a number of reasons and I do have every intention of putting in my application, doing what it takes to get accepted, and going. Still, I'd like to get it done.
I'm not scared or nervous. I don't mind going to a strange country, away from everyone I know, where I don't even speak one of the main languages. That part is an adventure - something I yearn for. More importantly, I think I need to leave this life behind for a little while. It is not that it is a bad life, just the opposite. The life I have lived has been unreasonably generous to me in so many ways. I have received so much without earning it. I grew up in one of the best places in the entire world, in all of history. I've received a terrific education. I'm white, a man, middle-class, tall. None of these are things that I have earned (education may sound like something I must have earned, but for the vast majority of my academic career I coasted on my ability to learn things quickly, something I did not earn but was given).
There are many things I have chosen about myself, things that I have earned. Who I am, how I define myself, the traits I consider important to my character, my moral code... but these are not things I would be giving up by going abroad. On the contrary, I hope to strengthen them by holding true to them in a new environment. As for my many unearned gifts, I do try to be thankful for them. I try to appreciate my good fortune and I feel a responsibility to make something of it... but I also have a thought ever-present in the back of my mind - a nagging notion that insists I do not know how good I have it. My wonderful friends, a family I love and I have learned so much from. Relationships I didn't appreciate enough. I know on some level that I am fortunate for these things, but there is *more* I could be feeling. I could be more grateful, make more of them. I spend so much of my time ambivalent and uninspired, knowing I could have a whole host of things material and social if I reached for them, knowing how I could do it and confident in my chances of success... but I do nothing.
So I need to leave. I need to put myself away from these things I know I could cherish but don't. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say, and I've realized for years that when I return to a place I always see it in a brighter light than when I left.
So yes, one of my primary motivations for going abroad, just as much as I want the adventure, the immersion in a new culture, language skills and memories to look back on... is to come home. To return, refreshed and invigorated with a new perspective. To embrace those I left behind with a new appreciation for just how much they mean to me. To prove myself in a new arena in order to return triumphant and sweet my world off its feet.
I mentioned that the only thing I feel I've truly "earned" is myself. I believe that who we each choose to be is the most important thing we possess. Our selves, forged by inclination, habit and choice. I have chosen who I am, not just on one night, sitting on my bed and trying to find purpose. Not just in scattered moments of inspiration, nor simply during the highs and lows endemic to life... but in the mundane. In the days I don't remember yet I lived them. The unassuming, almost careless acts of my life. The small, heartfelt gestures, the comments good, bad and funny, the little things I do because I feel like it and nothing more complicated than that.
I have a lot of work yet to better myself. There is a lot of room to improve. Over the past month or so, I have been more cognizant of the fact that I've let some people who were very good to me slip away, and worse, I didn't appreciate them enough while they were around. I've also realized I'm just not the kind of person to "go through the motions" in relationships. I won't date someone just to not be alone. I won't be friends with a person I don't like because I don't want to be rude. I am someone who chooses to live by inspiration and trusts that his feelings are generally good and correct. I won't change myself for anyone else, though I often change *because* of the things others show me. Almost as often, I choose to stay the same when presented with an alternative by another.
A good friend recently told me that I'd get more women if I were more assertive and "sexy" (in action). This conversation was sparked by my mentioning to her that I had been considering asking her out and, had I seen her just a few days earlier, I would have. I had a good plan for it too - inspired, romantic, dashing. I believe it would have worked had I done it, but I did not. We didn't see each other a few days before, when I felt that inspiration; we saw each other a few days after, when the dominant feeling in me was that the moment had passed, that what I had thought to do was not the right thing for now. And so, when I told her what I had planned, I said it in the past tense. I'm not sure that detail really carried over, because she seemed to still think I was asking her out. Sometimes I am not as clear as I need to be. Regardless, we both knew that if I had asked, the answer would have been "no", and I think we both understood it was better that way. Part of me felt frustrated in that moment, actually, thinking "If I really wanted to ask you out, I would do it so much better than this! You wouldn't be saying 'no' because you would be swept off your feet!" It's completely arrogant of me, I know, but it is a reflection of the belief I have that I can do better, and I would if I set my heart and mind to it... yet I feel uninspired.
As for being more assertive and sexy, that comment said a lot to me, though perhaps not what she'd intended. I realized a few things about her, and some about myself. For one thing, I don't want more women - that isn't how I define success, happiness, or anything really good or important. To be cliche, it isn't quantity but quality. I could have had a number of relationships I decided not to pursue because I believed it wouldn't be the best decision - that I didn't have the passion for that person to create the kind of relationship I am really looking for. I am okay with being alone, knowing that I am searching for something truly worthwhile, worth the wait for.
Also, I am more assertive, or have been becoming more so. I don't have much to hide and never did, but I used to let a fear of awkwardness, of putting distance between me and the other person, hold me back. I realize now, though, and more each day, that people come and go in life and there are always more to meet. After giving it thought, I realize it is more important to me to be open with the people I know and risk losing a few than to be closed and face a certainty of never reaching the full potential that lies within reach.
As for "sexy" I am mostly standing with what I have traditionally believed. I'll flirt a bit and I can let people know I find them attractive (and I will be a little more open about this in the future) but I will never, ever, use anyone or pressure a person for something I want which I don't believe they desire just as much as I do. I am still very cautious about using or pressuring people, perhaps a little too much so, but I am cautioned out of a desire to be good and take only what is freely given, and I am okay with that. I am okay with missing a few opportunities in order to be sure I never cross to the wrong side of that line, though I am always trying to inch closer to the proper balance. I have continually vowed to myself that I will not become someone who makes others feel used, and I know I have edged too close to, and perhaps over, that line before. The moments where things went to far have never faded from my mind, and while I may not say much I remind myself of them and use their example to learn to do better in the future. I know women want to feel desired (so do men, for that matter), but I also know there are other people out there who will offer that in the ways my friend was alluding to. It isn't me, and in my arrogance I genuinely believe I am better than that. I won't stoop to what I see as manipulation and cajoling for the sake of ephemeral pleasures. Truthfully, the thought of how some people treat each other, the pain they put others through so that they can have a fun night... the personal stories I have heard from people I care about far, far more than those who use them... make me sick, and a little angry. They remind me that I need to do more, and that I feel a responsibility to do everything I can to help those around me be happy and not feel the need to pursue things which hurt them in order to feel wanted.
This friend and our conversation are a great example of why I need to leave. We are within sight of a place where something deeper could develop - friendship or romantic, it doesn't matter - but neither of us knows how to breach that gap. It is much the same with many of my friendships. There is more there, but I don't see how to reach it. This is also the case with many areas I want to improve my self. I could use a "reset button", the blank slate an extended trip away will provide me. Coming to Boston gave me a taste of what that would be like and how I could make the most of it, but more importantly it showed me what I would return home to - the people, the reputation, and the legacy I would still have.
There are more thoughts, but those two have been on my mind the most today.
I wonder what someone reading this entry would think. In many ways, I probably seem quite full of myself. Truthfully, I think most people have thoughts along these lines at some point, the "I'm better than that" line of thinking... but I am writing mine down and putting it here for anyone who wishes to see. I am comforted by the fact that this is all borne of a desire to be a better person, to do good things, and to help others. I am better than certain actions only because I think they are selfish and harm others, and I want to be giving and helpful. I pass up on things not because they are beneath me, but simply because they are not the right fit for me and who I choose to be. They don't fit the code I live by, but having that code doesn't make me a better person than anyone else. It just keeps me... me, and helps me choose my own destiny.
And in the long run, the things I want are pretty simple, and seem wholesome to me. Friends, family, and a relationship with people who appreciate me for who I am, who I love and cherish as much as I possibly can. To make a difference and leave a positive impact on this world as much as I am able. To know that I did all I could, and what I did not do I chose not to for moral reasons. That is my life, the way I choose to live it, and now the next stage in this life, after sleep of course, is to leave all that I have built up to this point behind, so that I may return with a newfound appreciation for it.
The night air is cool and blowing in through my open window. I'm listening to the fairly mellow sounds of the new Death Cab album. I've had a number of powerful thoughts for a while... yet I haven't really spoken them to anyone. These thoughts aren't all closely related, aside from being mine.
To start with, there is my future. Specifically, my plans to go abroad and teach English. Never have I spoken of doing something for so long without having actually done it. Granted, this is for a number of reasons and I do have every intention of putting in my application, doing what it takes to get accepted, and going. Still, I'd like to get it done.
I'm not scared or nervous. I don't mind going to a strange country, away from everyone I know, where I don't even speak one of the main languages. That part is an adventure - something I yearn for. More importantly, I think I need to leave this life behind for a little while. It is not that it is a bad life, just the opposite. The life I have lived has been unreasonably generous to me in so many ways. I have received so much without earning it. I grew up in one of the best places in the entire world, in all of history. I've received a terrific education. I'm white, a man, middle-class, tall. None of these are things that I have earned (education may sound like something I must have earned, but for the vast majority of my academic career I coasted on my ability to learn things quickly, something I did not earn but was given).
There are many things I have chosen about myself, things that I have earned. Who I am, how I define myself, the traits I consider important to my character, my moral code... but these are not things I would be giving up by going abroad. On the contrary, I hope to strengthen them by holding true to them in a new environment. As for my many unearned gifts, I do try to be thankful for them. I try to appreciate my good fortune and I feel a responsibility to make something of it... but I also have a thought ever-present in the back of my mind - a nagging notion that insists I do not know how good I have it. My wonderful friends, a family I love and I have learned so much from. Relationships I didn't appreciate enough. I know on some level that I am fortunate for these things, but there is *more* I could be feeling. I could be more grateful, make more of them. I spend so much of my time ambivalent and uninspired, knowing I could have a whole host of things material and social if I reached for them, knowing how I could do it and confident in my chances of success... but I do nothing.
So I need to leave. I need to put myself away from these things I know I could cherish but don't. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say, and I've realized for years that when I return to a place I always see it in a brighter light than when I left.
So yes, one of my primary motivations for going abroad, just as much as I want the adventure, the immersion in a new culture, language skills and memories to look back on... is to come home. To return, refreshed and invigorated with a new perspective. To embrace those I left behind with a new appreciation for just how much they mean to me. To prove myself in a new arena in order to return triumphant and sweet my world off its feet.
I mentioned that the only thing I feel I've truly "earned" is myself. I believe that who we each choose to be is the most important thing we possess. Our selves, forged by inclination, habit and choice. I have chosen who I am, not just on one night, sitting on my bed and trying to find purpose. Not just in scattered moments of inspiration, nor simply during the highs and lows endemic to life... but in the mundane. In the days I don't remember yet I lived them. The unassuming, almost careless acts of my life. The small, heartfelt gestures, the comments good, bad and funny, the little things I do because I feel like it and nothing more complicated than that.
I have a lot of work yet to better myself. There is a lot of room to improve. Over the past month or so, I have been more cognizant of the fact that I've let some people who were very good to me slip away, and worse, I didn't appreciate them enough while they were around. I've also realized I'm just not the kind of person to "go through the motions" in relationships. I won't date someone just to not be alone. I won't be friends with a person I don't like because I don't want to be rude. I am someone who chooses to live by inspiration and trusts that his feelings are generally good and correct. I won't change myself for anyone else, though I often change *because* of the things others show me. Almost as often, I choose to stay the same when presented with an alternative by another.
A good friend recently told me that I'd get more women if I were more assertive and "sexy" (in action). This conversation was sparked by my mentioning to her that I had been considering asking her out and, had I seen her just a few days earlier, I would have. I had a good plan for it too - inspired, romantic, dashing. I believe it would have worked had I done it, but I did not. We didn't see each other a few days before, when I felt that inspiration; we saw each other a few days after, when the dominant feeling in me was that the moment had passed, that what I had thought to do was not the right thing for now. And so, when I told her what I had planned, I said it in the past tense. I'm not sure that detail really carried over, because she seemed to still think I was asking her out. Sometimes I am not as clear as I need to be. Regardless, we both knew that if I had asked, the answer would have been "no", and I think we both understood it was better that way. Part of me felt frustrated in that moment, actually, thinking "If I really wanted to ask you out, I would do it so much better than this! You wouldn't be saying 'no' because you would be swept off your feet!" It's completely arrogant of me, I know, but it is a reflection of the belief I have that I can do better, and I would if I set my heart and mind to it... yet I feel uninspired.
As for being more assertive and sexy, that comment said a lot to me, though perhaps not what she'd intended. I realized a few things about her, and some about myself. For one thing, I don't want more women - that isn't how I define success, happiness, or anything really good or important. To be cliche, it isn't quantity but quality. I could have had a number of relationships I decided not to pursue because I believed it wouldn't be the best decision - that I didn't have the passion for that person to create the kind of relationship I am really looking for. I am okay with being alone, knowing that I am searching for something truly worthwhile, worth the wait for.
Also, I am more assertive, or have been becoming more so. I don't have much to hide and never did, but I used to let a fear of awkwardness, of putting distance between me and the other person, hold me back. I realize now, though, and more each day, that people come and go in life and there are always more to meet. After giving it thought, I realize it is more important to me to be open with the people I know and risk losing a few than to be closed and face a certainty of never reaching the full potential that lies within reach.
As for "sexy" I am mostly standing with what I have traditionally believed. I'll flirt a bit and I can let people know I find them attractive (and I will be a little more open about this in the future) but I will never, ever, use anyone or pressure a person for something I want which I don't believe they desire just as much as I do. I am still very cautious about using or pressuring people, perhaps a little too much so, but I am cautioned out of a desire to be good and take only what is freely given, and I am okay with that. I am okay with missing a few opportunities in order to be sure I never cross to the wrong side of that line, though I am always trying to inch closer to the proper balance. I have continually vowed to myself that I will not become someone who makes others feel used, and I know I have edged too close to, and perhaps over, that line before. The moments where things went to far have never faded from my mind, and while I may not say much I remind myself of them and use their example to learn to do better in the future. I know women want to feel desired (so do men, for that matter), but I also know there are other people out there who will offer that in the ways my friend was alluding to. It isn't me, and in my arrogance I genuinely believe I am better than that. I won't stoop to what I see as manipulation and cajoling for the sake of ephemeral pleasures. Truthfully, the thought of how some people treat each other, the pain they put others through so that they can have a fun night... the personal stories I have heard from people I care about far, far more than those who use them... make me sick, and a little angry. They remind me that I need to do more, and that I feel a responsibility to do everything I can to help those around me be happy and not feel the need to pursue things which hurt them in order to feel wanted.
This friend and our conversation are a great example of why I need to leave. We are within sight of a place where something deeper could develop - friendship or romantic, it doesn't matter - but neither of us knows how to breach that gap. It is much the same with many of my friendships. There is more there, but I don't see how to reach it. This is also the case with many areas I want to improve my self. I could use a "reset button", the blank slate an extended trip away will provide me. Coming to Boston gave me a taste of what that would be like and how I could make the most of it, but more importantly it showed me what I would return home to - the people, the reputation, and the legacy I would still have.
There are more thoughts, but those two have been on my mind the most today.
I wonder what someone reading this entry would think. In many ways, I probably seem quite full of myself. Truthfully, I think most people have thoughts along these lines at some point, the "I'm better than that" line of thinking... but I am writing mine down and putting it here for anyone who wishes to see. I am comforted by the fact that this is all borne of a desire to be a better person, to do good things, and to help others. I am better than certain actions only because I think they are selfish and harm others, and I want to be giving and helpful. I pass up on things not because they are beneath me, but simply because they are not the right fit for me and who I choose to be. They don't fit the code I live by, but having that code doesn't make me a better person than anyone else. It just keeps me... me, and helps me choose my own destiny.
And in the long run, the things I want are pretty simple, and seem wholesome to me. Friends, family, and a relationship with people who appreciate me for who I am, who I love and cherish as much as I possibly can. To make a difference and leave a positive impact on this world as much as I am able. To know that I did all I could, and what I did not do I chose not to for moral reasons. That is my life, the way I choose to live it, and now the next stage in this life, after sleep of course, is to leave all that I have built up to this point behind, so that I may return with a newfound appreciation for it.