Tom again is the lone crusader, standing up to the insidious fast food industry
I don't think I care for the overly-familiar manner in which Burger King's paper products address me.
For instance, on the brown paper sack holding my meal, I find the following:
Official Baggler Procedure
French fries that have attempted to escape from their container only to strand themselves in the bottom of the bag are called "bagglers." Bagglers are fair game. The first to open the bag and retrieve the baggler gets to eat the baggler. Therefore, it is in one's best interest to be the keeper of the bag.
Okay, #1, no they are NOT called "bagglers." Leave the Sniglets to Rich Hall, all right? And #2, don't you fucking tell me what to do, Burger King brown paper sack! You just stick to holding the shitty food, I'll decide how I go about eating it. Deal?
Then, there's the wrapper around my chicken sandwich. It's got chatty little sayings on all four edges, like:
You know what they say. Originals order originals. And you're proof. They broke the mold when they made you, didn't they? Oh, yeah.
It's that last "Oh, yeah," that really gets under my skin. Don't talk to me like you know me, bitch! You better know your place. You are here to keep my meat-like foodstuff pinned between its slices of bread. You are not here to judge me. I judge you, all right? And then I discard you. I don't even have to recycle you if I don't want to. If you're going to be a dick about it. And "they broke the mold"? What is that, a fat joke? Fuck you!
Another one:
While it's true the BK BIG FISH is one of the biggest fish sandwiches around, nothing says you can't exaggerate it an inch or two when you talk about it to friends. It'll be our little secret.
"Our little secret". So. It's blackmail now, is it? You'll get nothing from me, sandwich wrapper, nothing!! Also, "exaggerate it an inch or two"? What is that, a penis joke? FUCK YOU!!
Plus there's one more in the dead center, printed in reverse, so that when you unwrap your sandwich and use the wrapper as a placemat, you can still read the words of wisdom through the wrapper.
Have It Your Way
You have the right to have things your way. The right to a sandwich how you want it. The right to eat it fast. The right to eat it slow.
Fast? Slow? Is that a sex joke? I do not want to think about sex when I'm eating whatever the hell it is I'm eating.
The right to start your own sandwich etiquette school.
Now you're just being stupid.
The right to have a one-man sandwich-eating contest.
What if I'm a woman? Women don't eat at Burger King? They probably don't, but still. Way to be insensitive to females, sandwich wrapper.
The right to raise this wrapper above your head as a sign that you are king.
Or queen. You really hate women, don't you, Burger King.
Hey, you know what? I want the right for you to shut the fuck up and let me eat my sandwich in peace! How about that right? Do I have that right??
Asshole Burger King paper products.
For instance, on the brown paper sack holding my meal, I find the following:
Official Baggler Procedure
French fries that have attempted to escape from their container only to strand themselves in the bottom of the bag are called "bagglers." Bagglers are fair game. The first to open the bag and retrieve the baggler gets to eat the baggler. Therefore, it is in one's best interest to be the keeper of the bag.
Okay, #1, no they are NOT called "bagglers." Leave the Sniglets to Rich Hall, all right? And #2, don't you fucking tell me what to do, Burger King brown paper sack! You just stick to holding the shitty food, I'll decide how I go about eating it. Deal?
Then, there's the wrapper around my chicken sandwich. It's got chatty little sayings on all four edges, like:
You know what they say. Originals order originals. And you're proof. They broke the mold when they made you, didn't they? Oh, yeah.
It's that last "Oh, yeah," that really gets under my skin. Don't talk to me like you know me, bitch! You better know your place. You are here to keep my meat-like foodstuff pinned between its slices of bread. You are not here to judge me. I judge you, all right? And then I discard you. I don't even have to recycle you if I don't want to. If you're going to be a dick about it. And "they broke the mold"? What is that, a fat joke? Fuck you!
Another one:
While it's true the BK BIG FISH is one of the biggest fish sandwiches around, nothing says you can't exaggerate it an inch or two when you talk about it to friends. It'll be our little secret.
"Our little secret". So. It's blackmail now, is it? You'll get nothing from me, sandwich wrapper, nothing!! Also, "exaggerate it an inch or two"? What is that, a penis joke? FUCK YOU!!
Plus there's one more in the dead center, printed in reverse, so that when you unwrap your sandwich and use the wrapper as a placemat, you can still read the words of wisdom through the wrapper.
Have It Your Way
You have the right to have things your way. The right to a sandwich how you want it. The right to eat it fast. The right to eat it slow.
Fast? Slow? Is that a sex joke? I do not want to think about sex when I'm eating whatever the hell it is I'm eating.
The right to start your own sandwich etiquette school.
Now you're just being stupid.
The right to have a one-man sandwich-eating contest.
What if I'm a woman? Women don't eat at Burger King? They probably don't, but still. Way to be insensitive to females, sandwich wrapper.
The right to raise this wrapper above your head as a sign that you are king.
Or queen. You really hate women, don't you, Burger King.
Hey, you know what? I want the right for you to shut the fuck up and let me eat my sandwich in peace! How about that right? Do I have that right??
Asshole Burger King paper products.