Something I hope none of you have to experience...
Re: One Last Lesson
I read this xanga entry that actually made me cry...since it was something similar to what I am feeling...
My mom died in March. I remember that phone call when I was told she was refusing dialysis and she was on Hospice. I went to work anyway. Then I realized - what the hell am I doing? I broke down. I left that morning and slept, since it was a night shift and after seeing Rob for support, I left for Upstate to see my mother. I got lost going there, because my head was so cluttered with all memories and regrets. I also was stopped for speeding, but the officer let me go since he saw I was a wreck. I got there at 1 am after my father "warned" me that she may not speak...
She did not speak. Instead, she lost all the color in her eyes as she stared blankly at me when I approached the bed. I lost all composure. I didn't know what to say. I was too late. I wanted to say, "Hi mom, I'm here" and wanted her to say "hello" back to me...but she couldn't. I spoke to her that night as I cried and slept next to her. I whispered everything to her, from being sorry for being such a pain in the ass growing up, to not being there...I wish I was there more. Instead I was too busy going to school and being the best as well. Where has it got me? I'm the only nurse with CCRN certification on my floor. I am co-chair of the Nursing Research Council here. I graduated #2 from my first nursing program (I dropped down to 2 because I started competing in gaming tournaments for DDR/Halo in my last semester which dropped my GPA to a 3.86). I'm going to law school...and plan on being the best I can.
But for what...my feelings of regret and grief are too much to bear at times, leaving me awake at night or crying at random times. I was trying to make her proud...in fact, she referred to me as "her nurse" when she would talk to her nurses up there about me. I had much trouble helping her because I was scared. It's so different when it's someone so close to you. I'd freeze. I missed so much...I should have been there more. Why did I move so far away? Because there's more opportunity in NYC? However, there is nothing that could heal the regret here...
I miss her a lot. It's hard to function in this world knowing she's not here anymore. She will not be at the graduation that matters most to me, nor will she be at my wedding, nor will she be there when I have my first child. It hurts knowing this and there's nothing more in the world I would want than just to have her here.
The moment she died I couldn't stop clutching on to her, hugging her while I cried hysterically. The amount of guilt and grief was so unbearable...I couldn't leave the room. My sister kept telling me, "Jenn, she's not here anymore...let's go home..."
I kept staring back at her as I slowly walked out of the room...For many days afterwards, perhaps weeks, I have visions of her dying, as I saw her on the bed the last day and a half I was there. My sister said she smiled when she told her I got lost driving there, (I'm infamous for lacking a sense of direction) and that made me smile...I just wish there was some way of knowing if she knew I was there...if she heard me that night...as I apologized and told her I loved her. Many friends and my family tells me she did...but I missed having that last conversation with her...
In fact my last conversation with her was something along the lines:
Mom: You're leaving so soon?
Me: Yea I have to...I have work, but I'll be up again in a couple of weeks to see everyone.
I gave her a kiss goodbye and left....
The next time I came up was when she died.
I still can't function. Sorry mom...I'm really trying...
I read this xanga entry that actually made me cry...since it was something similar to what I am feeling...
My mom died in March. I remember that phone call when I was told she was refusing dialysis and she was on Hospice. I went to work anyway. Then I realized - what the hell am I doing? I broke down. I left that morning and slept, since it was a night shift and after seeing Rob for support, I left for Upstate to see my mother. I got lost going there, because my head was so cluttered with all memories and regrets. I also was stopped for speeding, but the officer let me go since he saw I was a wreck. I got there at 1 am after my father "warned" me that she may not speak...
She did not speak. Instead, she lost all the color in her eyes as she stared blankly at me when I approached the bed. I lost all composure. I didn't know what to say. I was too late. I wanted to say, "Hi mom, I'm here" and wanted her to say "hello" back to me...but she couldn't. I spoke to her that night as I cried and slept next to her. I whispered everything to her, from being sorry for being such a pain in the ass growing up, to not being there...I wish I was there more. Instead I was too busy going to school and being the best as well. Where has it got me? I'm the only nurse with CCRN certification on my floor. I am co-chair of the Nursing Research Council here. I graduated #2 from my first nursing program (I dropped down to 2 because I started competing in gaming tournaments for DDR/Halo in my last semester which dropped my GPA to a 3.86). I'm going to law school...and plan on being the best I can.
But for what...my feelings of regret and grief are too much to bear at times, leaving me awake at night or crying at random times. I was trying to make her proud...in fact, she referred to me as "her nurse" when she would talk to her nurses up there about me. I had much trouble helping her because I was scared. It's so different when it's someone so close to you. I'd freeze. I missed so much...I should have been there more. Why did I move so far away? Because there's more opportunity in NYC? However, there is nothing that could heal the regret here...
I miss her a lot. It's hard to function in this world knowing she's not here anymore. She will not be at the graduation that matters most to me, nor will she be at my wedding, nor will she be there when I have my first child. It hurts knowing this and there's nothing more in the world I would want than just to have her here.
The moment she died I couldn't stop clutching on to her, hugging her while I cried hysterically. The amount of guilt and grief was so unbearable...I couldn't leave the room. My sister kept telling me, "Jenn, she's not here anymore...let's go home..."
I kept staring back at her as I slowly walked out of the room...For many days afterwards, perhaps weeks, I have visions of her dying, as I saw her on the bed the last day and a half I was there. My sister said she smiled when she told her I got lost driving there, (I'm infamous for lacking a sense of direction) and that made me smile...I just wish there was some way of knowing if she knew I was there...if she heard me that night...as I apologized and told her I loved her. Many friends and my family tells me she did...but I missed having that last conversation with her...
In fact my last conversation with her was something along the lines:
Mom: You're leaving so soon?
Me: Yea I have to...I have work, but I'll be up again in a couple of weeks to see everyone.
I gave her a kiss goodbye and left....
The next time I came up was when she died.
I still can't function. Sorry mom...I'm really trying...