twisted?
I've been doin' a lot of thinking ever since summer classes ended on the third week of May.
Haha.. technically, I had no time to think really deep during summer, bcoz there was too much going on. For six straight weeks, I've done nothing but go to school and go to work, when I reach home, I've only got enough time to sleep. (And I wake up again, and it's the same routine, for weekends, it's whole day work instead.)
Forgive my ranting.. I just need an outlet.
Whenever I'm talking with friends, and the topic shifts to life problems and the like, I can't help wanting to change the topic. But the thing is, I want to listen to others.. the fact that ppl share things with me is proof of their trust in me, and I do not want to betray that trust.
But it makes me feel all bad inside most of the time... in a weird way.
I'm painfully aware of how lucky I am.
I've been considerably healthy, and so is my family.
I've never really experienced financial hardships.
I go to a good school.
I'm academically blessed.
I've lots of good friends.
My family's complete... in the physical and ethereal sense.
I'm even really lucky even in small things.
When I stayed up too late, and failed to review for a recitation/quiz, more often than not, my professor's gonna be absent.. or, I'm not gonna be called.. or something else.
Easy exams turn up when I fail to study, and difficult ones when I do. So, I normally do fine.
When I'm looking for something, I usually am able to avail of the last available stock.
Issues like financial difficulties, separation, adultery, broken family, cancer, death.. they're all so.. foreign to my world. I'm aware of all that as a reality, I'm not naive.. I'm not ignorant.. It's just that.. It's just not MY reality.
And having said all that, whenever ppl talk about life's misfortunes, it makes me rethink again and again and again on how I'm living my life. As much as I am aware that I'm lucky, I'm being reminded of it every time, still. Don't get me wrong, I do not want my friends to stop sharing their problems with me.. In fact, I still welcome them, I want to help in any way I can, even if it's just to listen.
When I reread my entries, all the complaints I've done are so.. superficial.
Being this blessed, I wonder sometimes if what I'm doing is enough to actually make me deserve all that I have.
That's what scares me. It scares me that I think like this.
Sometimes, it suffocates me so much, that I think I've no right to be idle, to relax, to play around.. that I shouldn't complain about little things because other ppl experience harder punches and kicks from life.
Now, I'm not asking for life to give me bigger problems. I'M NOT CRAZY.
I do the things I do because I want to. I believe they're 'good' anyways, but at times, I wonder whether they're 'good enough.'
It's just so mind-wracking that I think like this.
I didn't go to Nino's bday celeb yesterday afternoon.
I didn't go to work.
Staying home was my choice.
I feel a tinge of regret, to be honest. I hate it when I'm MIA. Plus, I missed my chance to meet schlei (
charisma_doll ), again. It's been a long while since I've seen jomskie, ate mellie (
melliemelll ), ate tina (
camr_jemr ), jena (
jennah_13 ), and ysa (
kawaiiysa ). was meann (
cathalina09 ) and hime (
cess_chan ) there, too?
And I wasted half a day's pay, too.
But I decided that I had to stay home this Saturday.
I had things to sort out.
Mom just came home. I missed her. And I'm starting to miss the rest of my family, too.
Bah. Bitin ang two weeks.