Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gamey Food Night :P
We begin with SLop in her dinning room wearing this fugly black dress that she swiped from the "Laverne and Shirley" show. I can tell because of the infantile white "S" on the left side. Oh wait, it was Laverne who did that, wasn't it? Anyhow, she asks "I bet your wondering what I'm doing?" No, not really. SLop ignores me and tells me anyway that she's making a house of cards that will NEVER fall down for the centerpiece of her tablescape. I cannot wait. SLop shows us a casino table kit she got from a catalog somewhere (it's one of those cheesy tablecloths with a blackjack table pattern on it) and then lists off the menu. Nothing too exciting, but I recognize the ugly 1970's red and black wall paper in the background from an earlier ep. Among the items are little mini chicken pot pies made in cute little expresso [sic] cups.
After the credits, SLop enters the kitchen. The theme color is black and it appears she glued playing cards all over the place. She begins by making her mini burgers. She crumbles some meat into a bowl and washes her hands. Hmm, is that a new faucet? She tells us the best trick in the book for seasoning meat is to use a package of pot roast seasoning, adding it even has dried vegetables in it! She adds an egg and Worcestershire sauce, reminding us that she STILL cannot pronounce it. Apparently she also cannot button up shirts properly, as evidenced by the gap of fabric and visible button at the cleavage level. She mixes the meat and makes meatballs, poking her finger into it for a place to put the ketchup or mustard later. She advises us to use lean beef so the hole doesn't fill up with grease. Ewww. She pops them into the oven for a "very quick cook", a couple minutes at 400 degrees and then works on the mini disks; Wonder bread cut with a biscuit cutter. As she mushes a slice of bread, she says you should be able to three or four out of each slice, barely producing three. Idiot. She puts them onto a baking sheet and tells us the trick to making them toasty is to spray them with olive oil PAM. I thought putting them into the oven did that.
While the burgers and disks toast, she starts to work on the poker chips by putting a cup flour in a bag and adding all four packets of roast garlic seasoning. For the chips themselves, she will use red potatoes and sweet potatoes, the best prepackaged flavor combinations in the store. She grabs some sweet potatoes and slices them with a mandolin, warning us to protect our hands and to throw away the stub. She puts the slices into the flour mix and sets it aside so they can coat themselves while she works on the burgers.
SLop suddenly produces some finished burgers from the oven and tries to convince us they cooked fast. She grabs some of the disk shaped "toast points" [sic] and a spoon, then uses a napkin to soak up the collected grease in the burger holes. Wouldn't it be easier to cook them with the holes facing downward? As she assembles the burgers, she blames it on The Wallet's friend "Sam", who made them for her birthday and gave her some mini plastic ketchup and mustard "pieces" (those red and yellow squeeze bottles you see in diners, really) as a gift. She uses them to apply the ketchup or mustard to the mini-burger holes. Apparently you can only have one or the other. Before skipping out to commercial, she threatens us with a "gay night" casino tablescape and then eats one of the mini-burgers like a sword swallower.
When we return from commercial, SLop starts putting her chips into the oil, advising us the oil is hot enough when it bubbles and fizzes. She adds that adding too many chips will actually reduce the heat of the oil. She nukes half a stick of butter for the mini pot pies, then removes the chip from the oil and sing-songs "Gorrrrrgeous!" as she sets it on top of her previously cooked and drained sweet potato chips. She turns off the burner to the oil so there's "no more hot oil on the stove" and begins to work on the pie filling. She mixes chicken stock and thawed mixed veggies, which are just as good as fresh because they were flash-frozen, then takes a big can o chicken and uses a strainer and bowl to strain the "juice" out. Wouldn't it be easier to just decant it from the can over the sink? Anyway, she adds the chicken and her "secret" ingredient, cream o celery soup in a disguised can she lifted from Rachel Ray's show. The bitch could have at least grabbed one that matches her decor! She stirs the mix a little and puts a lid on it to heat through, then with a "Whoot!", retrieves the butter from the oven and grabs some phillo, warning us that it's fragile, so we don't want to rip it. In order to keep the phillo moist, she retrieves some single sheets of paper towels she pre-seperated and stacked in a drawer and moistens it to keep the dough from drying out. Who the hell separates his paper towels and stacks them up in a drawer? She says we only need five sheets of the dough but says that we don't need to count them so six are fine. She covers them with a damp paper towel, then uses a cookie cutter as a guide to cut squares with a knife. Wouldn't it be easier to just cut them with the cookie cutter or use a pizza cutter to make strips? As she leans over to cut the dough, the gap in her shirt widens ominously. She tells us to keep the dough cool so it cuts as nicely as hers, but we never see the actual cut dough. The filling is ready, so she gives it a final stir and fills the expresso cups with 2.5 or 3 spoonfuls per cup, adding to be sure they are oven safe. She tells us not to worry if it dribbles down the sides; that'll just make it look even more homemade. She peels back the dough and places the cut-outs onto the cups, claiming "Everyone's going to dig into them". She brushes them with melted butter to help them brown and pops them into the oven for a quick couple minutes at 375. Before we head out to commercial, she gets excited about showing us her "partyscape" which she calls "casinoland". Oh joy.
We return from commercial with SLop walking in munching on her poker chips and trying to convince us they are "AWESOME!". I don't believe it for a nano-second. She takes the pot pies out of oven to cool a bit and mentions that during the commercial she toasted some almonds. From the other room. She pulls out a baking sheet almost overflowing with almonds and tells us that "toasting your nuts always brings out the flavor!". Hee! She dumps a boxed lemon cake (looks like a bag of cake mix to me) into a red KA mixer and reserves some of the mix for her stupid flour-in-the-pan trick, which NEVER made any sense to me because she's going to frost the damn cake anyway so who cares WHAT it looks like when you remove it from the baking pan?!?! Anyhow, for those who care, she dumps a lot of oil in the pan, spreads it with a paper towel, dumps the cake mix in, and then coats the pan with the mix, shaking the extra into the mixer. She "embellishes" the cake mix with some lemon extract and other ingredients. She turns on the blender and there's this weird edit which makes me think cake mix flew all over the place because she started the mixer on the highest setting.
When it's finished, she gives it a final stir to make sure it's mixed and says that with all these special ingredients you are surely to get credit for making a homemade cake. She produces a pair of finished cakes and evens off the top with a knife, setting the top aside to munch on later. She places the cake, cut side down, onto a cake stand (why she inverted it escapes me) for frosting. She takes a tub of label less frosting and adds lemon extract so you can't tell it came from a can. Yeah, right. She frosts the cake (which has strange grill-markings on it), then puts the other cake on top and frosts the whole thing. As she struggles with the frosting, she attempts to divert our attention by telling us about how she made the black-fabric-with-cards-superglued-to-it window treatment. She coats the cake with almond and coconut for a Hickory Farms cheese ball look and builds a mini house of cards atop the cake. Before we head to commercial, SLop walks off while shoveling a heaping spoonful (that's HALF the cup!) of the pot pie into her mouth while rolling her eyes.
We return from commercial with the "Sandra's Cocktail Time!" graphic in the corner and SLop announces her "Queen of Hearts" cocktail will get "everyone rolling the dice!", whatever THAT means. I guess it's her way of saying her drinks are dicey. She mixes several juices and raspberry vodka, topped with a splash of Compari, an Italian aperitif, and then shows us her great martini glasses with stems shaped like d6's. All that's missing from this scene are some fuzzy dice hanging from the pantry. She grabs a couple cocktails and walks them to her "fun" tablescape. OMG! You'd have to SEE this to fully comprehend it, but it looks a casino was picked up by a tornado and then dropped onto SLop's dinning room! There's a potted plant in the middle of the table with cards glued to it in a terra cotta pot with poker chips glued to it and cards glued to every vertical space in the room. The table has the cheesey tablecloth she showed us in the begining, but there's so much crap on it you can't see the markings anymore. Anyhow, SLop says that "nothing says 'casino or poker night' like THIS table". There is so much crap cluttering the table that there's no room to play cards, unless you use the ones glued to your chair and side of the table. She maniacally tells us how she made her centerpiece, which is odd, because at the beginning of the show she it was a stack of glued-together cards. She directs our attention to her buffet, and relegated to the back corner is her big-ass house of cards! Poor thing. She then shows us an inexpensive parking lot circus style popcorn machine she bought that she's going to use over and over and then starts gushing about how she glued cards to the back of her chairs, but I'm not paying attention now because I'm counting the seconds left in the show. Soon enough, she gives her closing lines, waves with both hands, and exits stage left.
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.
After the credits, SLop enters the kitchen. The theme color is black and it appears she glued playing cards all over the place. She begins by making her mini burgers. She crumbles some meat into a bowl and washes her hands. Hmm, is that a new faucet? She tells us the best trick in the book for seasoning meat is to use a package of pot roast seasoning, adding it even has dried vegetables in it! She adds an egg and Worcestershire sauce, reminding us that she STILL cannot pronounce it. Apparently she also cannot button up shirts properly, as evidenced by the gap of fabric and visible button at the cleavage level. She mixes the meat and makes meatballs, poking her finger into it for a place to put the ketchup or mustard later. She advises us to use lean beef so the hole doesn't fill up with grease. Ewww. She pops them into the oven for a "very quick cook", a couple minutes at 400 degrees and then works on the mini disks; Wonder bread cut with a biscuit cutter. As she mushes a slice of bread, she says you should be able to three or four out of each slice, barely producing three. Idiot. She puts them onto a baking sheet and tells us the trick to making them toasty is to spray them with olive oil PAM. I thought putting them into the oven did that.
While the burgers and disks toast, she starts to work on the poker chips by putting a cup flour in a bag and adding all four packets of roast garlic seasoning. For the chips themselves, she will use red potatoes and sweet potatoes, the best prepackaged flavor combinations in the store. She grabs some sweet potatoes and slices them with a mandolin, warning us to protect our hands and to throw away the stub. She puts the slices into the flour mix and sets it aside so they can coat themselves while she works on the burgers.
SLop suddenly produces some finished burgers from the oven and tries to convince us they cooked fast. She grabs some of the disk shaped "toast points" [sic] and a spoon, then uses a napkin to soak up the collected grease in the burger holes. Wouldn't it be easier to cook them with the holes facing downward? As she assembles the burgers, she blames it on The Wallet's friend "Sam", who made them for her birthday and gave her some mini plastic ketchup and mustard "pieces" (those red and yellow squeeze bottles you see in diners, really) as a gift. She uses them to apply the ketchup or mustard to the mini-burger holes. Apparently you can only have one or the other. Before skipping out to commercial, she threatens us with a "gay night" casino tablescape and then eats one of the mini-burgers like a sword swallower.
When we return from commercial, SLop starts putting her chips into the oil, advising us the oil is hot enough when it bubbles and fizzes. She adds that adding too many chips will actually reduce the heat of the oil. She nukes half a stick of butter for the mini pot pies, then removes the chip from the oil and sing-songs "Gorrrrrgeous!" as she sets it on top of her previously cooked and drained sweet potato chips. She turns off the burner to the oil so there's "no more hot oil on the stove" and begins to work on the pie filling. She mixes chicken stock and thawed mixed veggies, which are just as good as fresh because they were flash-frozen, then takes a big can o chicken and uses a strainer and bowl to strain the "juice" out. Wouldn't it be easier to just decant it from the can over the sink? Anyway, she adds the chicken and her "secret" ingredient, cream o celery soup in a disguised can she lifted from Rachel Ray's show. The bitch could have at least grabbed one that matches her decor! She stirs the mix a little and puts a lid on it to heat through, then with a "Whoot!", retrieves the butter from the oven and grabs some phillo, warning us that it's fragile, so we don't want to rip it. In order to keep the phillo moist, she retrieves some single sheets of paper towels she pre-seperated and stacked in a drawer and moistens it to keep the dough from drying out. Who the hell separates his paper towels and stacks them up in a drawer? She says we only need five sheets of the dough but says that we don't need to count them so six are fine. She covers them with a damp paper towel, then uses a cookie cutter as a guide to cut squares with a knife. Wouldn't it be easier to just cut them with the cookie cutter or use a pizza cutter to make strips? As she leans over to cut the dough, the gap in her shirt widens ominously. She tells us to keep the dough cool so it cuts as nicely as hers, but we never see the actual cut dough. The filling is ready, so she gives it a final stir and fills the expresso cups with 2.5 or 3 spoonfuls per cup, adding to be sure they are oven safe. She tells us not to worry if it dribbles down the sides; that'll just make it look even more homemade. She peels back the dough and places the cut-outs onto the cups, claiming "Everyone's going to dig into them". She brushes them with melted butter to help them brown and pops them into the oven for a quick couple minutes at 375. Before we head out to commercial, she gets excited about showing us her "partyscape" which she calls "casinoland". Oh joy.
We return from commercial with SLop walking in munching on her poker chips and trying to convince us they are "AWESOME!". I don't believe it for a nano-second. She takes the pot pies out of oven to cool a bit and mentions that during the commercial she toasted some almonds. From the other room. She pulls out a baking sheet almost overflowing with almonds and tells us that "toasting your nuts always brings out the flavor!". Hee! She dumps a boxed lemon cake (looks like a bag of cake mix to me) into a red KA mixer and reserves some of the mix for her stupid flour-in-the-pan trick, which NEVER made any sense to me because she's going to frost the damn cake anyway so who cares WHAT it looks like when you remove it from the baking pan?!?! Anyhow, for those who care, she dumps a lot of oil in the pan, spreads it with a paper towel, dumps the cake mix in, and then coats the pan with the mix, shaking the extra into the mixer. She "embellishes" the cake mix with some lemon extract and other ingredients. She turns on the blender and there's this weird edit which makes me think cake mix flew all over the place because she started the mixer on the highest setting.
When it's finished, she gives it a final stir to make sure it's mixed and says that with all these special ingredients you are surely to get credit for making a homemade cake. She produces a pair of finished cakes and evens off the top with a knife, setting the top aside to munch on later. She places the cake, cut side down, onto a cake stand (why she inverted it escapes me) for frosting. She takes a tub of label less frosting and adds lemon extract so you can't tell it came from a can. Yeah, right. She frosts the cake (which has strange grill-markings on it), then puts the other cake on top and frosts the whole thing. As she struggles with the frosting, she attempts to divert our attention by telling us about how she made the black-fabric-with-cards-superglued-to-it window treatment. She coats the cake with almond and coconut for a Hickory Farms cheese ball look and builds a mini house of cards atop the cake. Before we head to commercial, SLop walks off while shoveling a heaping spoonful (that's HALF the cup!) of the pot pie into her mouth while rolling her eyes.
We return from commercial with the "Sandra's Cocktail Time!" graphic in the corner and SLop announces her "Queen of Hearts" cocktail will get "everyone rolling the dice!", whatever THAT means. I guess it's her way of saying her drinks are dicey. She mixes several juices and raspberry vodka, topped with a splash of Compari, an Italian aperitif, and then shows us her great martini glasses with stems shaped like d6's. All that's missing from this scene are some fuzzy dice hanging from the pantry. She grabs a couple cocktails and walks them to her "fun" tablescape. OMG! You'd have to SEE this to fully comprehend it, but it looks a casino was picked up by a tornado and then dropped onto SLop's dinning room! There's a potted plant in the middle of the table with cards glued to it in a terra cotta pot with poker chips glued to it and cards glued to every vertical space in the room. The table has the cheesey tablecloth she showed us in the begining, but there's so much crap on it you can't see the markings anymore. Anyhow, SLop says that "nothing says 'casino or poker night' like THIS table". There is so much crap cluttering the table that there's no room to play cards, unless you use the ones glued to your chair and side of the table. She maniacally tells us how she made her centerpiece, which is odd, because at the beginning of the show she it was a stack of glued-together cards. She directs our attention to her buffet, and relegated to the back corner is her big-ass house of cards! Poor thing. She then shows us an inexpensive parking lot circus style popcorn machine she bought that she's going to use over and over and then starts gushing about how she glued cards to the back of her chairs, but I'm not paying attention now because I'm counting the seconds left in the show. Soon enough, she gives her closing lines, waves with both hands, and exits stage left.
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.