Fever Dream
The Bad: I found out last Friday that my Aunt has a six inch diameter malignant carcinoma on her right ovary. The same place my mom had it. It is however in a much earlier state, and the outlook for treatment is much better than it was for my mother. We'll be home on Sunday for her surgery on Monday to support her, and do whatever we can to help w/ the surgical process. She's considerably more hopeful and optimistic than my mother was. My mother knew she was going to die, and there was nothing we could do to prevent it. She was too far along, and she recieved the treatments because she didn't want us to think she was giving up. Looking back, I wish I could have lived the last three months with her without the post surgery woes and chemotherapy symptoms. I wish I had known that she wasn't going to survive it. Hindsight is always 20/20, and to have these regrets is more damaging than it is productive. I suppose they're not regrets, but things we would have done - had we known differently. You can't help but be hopeful when the single most important person in your life is dying before your eyes. I can tell my Aunt feels like she's going to beat it, and I feel very strongly that she will. I had always had visions of losing my mother to cancer for a variety of reasons, and when I had originally found out about the "systs" - I was very unsettled - and my intuitions unfortunately proved me right. My mom blazed the unfortunate trail, so her sisters and our daughters will have an easier path to walk. She was always doing everything for everyone else, and it makes perfect sense that she would die as selflessly as she lived.
I miss her terribly most days. However, I found some solace in a few things that I've read recently. Especially in viewing her loss as a large portion missing from my life's pattern. If you imagine your life as a sequence of events, if you forget the material (the flesh, the bone, etc.), it becomes while not easy, but enlightening to see that when you lose someone who plays such an intergral part in your pattern that most things that related to those places in the pattern ache. There isn't a quick fix for this, and for quite some time I know that I'll be searching for ways to mend this gaping wound in my pattern. It doesn't make it any easier to cope with the pain of loss, but it does make it easier to understand. And in understanding, I can find some way to continue moving on. I know she would be proud of me. I'm sure of it.
The Good: I found out last night that I was accepted into the UMass Higher Education Administration Masters of Education program. I have something to look forward to, something to plan for, and another goal to work toward for the next two years of my life. This was good news that I needed incredibly badly. Yesterday I discovered the "pattern" theory, and then began reading a book that takes a look at life from some pretty obscure alternative viewpoints (I'll get to that.) My night ended at the Moan n' Dove where Dan told Chris and I that we'd both been unanimously selected for the Grad Program. A weight was lifted from my shoulders the size of which I really can't begin to explain. All that I have to worry about now is making sure I get my graduation from the university squared away, there is some tricky financial hold on my account that is slowing me up. I'll figure that out soon. I'm working now, but I'm still in a rough financial situation, especially with New Orleans coming up in less than two weeks. I'm going to need to borrow a substantial amount of money from somebody (~ $1500) to pay for first, last, and security for whatever new living options we choose next year. If you can loan me that kind of money, because you are in a reasonably decent financial situation please let me know. I'll have you paid back in full by the end of June when my Night Director pay checks start coming in from over the Summer. I'm serious about this, I typically don't pry into the financial situations of my friends, so if you can help me I won't know it unless you tell me. This, right now, is my biggest concern. And, that is a relief. I need to find an assistant ship in the next couple of weeks that will basically pay for school, and there are a few out there that are looking pretty appealing. I don't think that I'll have much of a problem with it.
Hands of Light by Barbara Brennan is an outstanding book on alternative views of life, the body, and healing. It's very much a new age sort of outlook, and while I consider most of those things very outlandish and most of the time too farfetched to believe - this is different. This woman has a masters degree in Atmospheric Physics, Ph.Ds in Philosophy and Theology. Not a dumb bunny as Jeanne would say. Her explanations take into account recent scientific and technological advancements and research. The material is extremely engaging, and while it reads like a text book most of the time - it's not so dense or at all boring. It's helped me realize a lot of things in regard to my mother. I think that she was practically 'dead' in the hospital before she came home. She was gone, most of her 'essence' had made the journey to whatever place exists beyond the mortal plane. When she came home, whatever she left inside her shell, told me to get on the plane and go away. She left me a message to enjoy my opportunities, and our last words were "I love you." The last time I saw her, she was smiling - and we both knew that this was the last time that we'd see eachother. Two days later, she was gone in terms of mental capacity. Some may believe this was because of drug / disease affects - I maintain that she managed to leave her body. The next two days resulted in a rapid deterioration of her physical form, something I would not have been able to handle - she knew that - on the fourth day, the rest of what was left inside step outside this plane and continued on it's journey. These things seem inherently true to me after reading them, and I'm not typically one to sign onto any sort of religious and/or spirtual dogma. This seems right. This is mine.
I am still excrutiatingly lonely for a variety of reasons. 1.) She's gone. 2.) My social relationships are extremely lacking, and I do not see enough good people on a regular enough basis. I am starved for new and old friendships to be rekindled. I want that to happen very soon. 3.) I am very much an extremely loving person, in all facets (mentally, emotionally, and physically.) To be alone is possible for me, but I would rather be sharing my life with some whom wants to shares theirs with me. I want/need/desire that kind of interaction. It's not clingly, it's not obsessive, it's how I work. I need to find someone else that is complimentary to me for those reasons. I don't expect every woman I forge a relationship w/ to be perfect, but the potential to discover this kind of interaction is what I so desperately need right now.
That was a lot, and if you actually managed to get through this whole entry, please leave your thoughts. This has been brewing for quite some time, and I would appreciate the things you have to say.
Remember, breathe.