since the move..
i've thought about death more than once in the last couple of days.. but they are only that.. thoughts.. very. dark. thoughts.
things are bad. i've been back home all of little over a month.. i seriously haven't a fucking penny to my name.. this is true and i know for a fact because i dug through everything i own and managed to surface just enough of them to change into quarters so my family and i can have clean laundry for one more week.
i've drunk nothing but water for the last 2 1/2 weeks. had to pan handle so my son would have diapers (which are almost all gone) and no one will pick me up so i can work out and continue my wrestling training. this is seriously going to make me snap.
i thought everything would be better once i found a job. nope. i can't even start working at this particular place until i can manage to find the money to pay for pants, belt and shoes. i guess working in boots is strictly forbidden. finding work in the first place is difficult enough because san jacinto is in the middle of fucking nowhere.
life is shit. utter shit. the only thing holding me together is the fact that my almost 2-year old son looks at me like i can do anything.. and at times it makes me believe and it gives me hope that someday i can close my eyes and all of this would have been a bad dream.
i broke down and wept last night as i tried falling asleep.. i am hungry.. but i will starve before my son and my woman go without. sadly.. it is getting to the point where i must choose between seeing them everyday or moving 3 hours away.. but it is hardly a choice at all if it means i can provide for them. if it means not seeing my son and not feeding my son... the choice is painfully obvious.
i prayed this morning.. and i begged god to finally let the sun shine for me..
only the day will tell.
<3
things are bad. i've been back home all of little over a month.. i seriously haven't a fucking penny to my name.. this is true and i know for a fact because i dug through everything i own and managed to surface just enough of them to change into quarters so my family and i can have clean laundry for one more week.
i've drunk nothing but water for the last 2 1/2 weeks. had to pan handle so my son would have diapers (which are almost all gone) and no one will pick me up so i can work out and continue my wrestling training. this is seriously going to make me snap.
i thought everything would be better once i found a job. nope. i can't even start working at this particular place until i can manage to find the money to pay for pants, belt and shoes. i guess working in boots is strictly forbidden. finding work in the first place is difficult enough because san jacinto is in the middle of fucking nowhere.
life is shit. utter shit. the only thing holding me together is the fact that my almost 2-year old son looks at me like i can do anything.. and at times it makes me believe and it gives me hope that someday i can close my eyes and all of this would have been a bad dream.
i broke down and wept last night as i tried falling asleep.. i am hungry.. but i will starve before my son and my woman go without. sadly.. it is getting to the point where i must choose between seeing them everyday or moving 3 hours away.. but it is hardly a choice at all if it means i can provide for them. if it means not seeing my son and not feeding my son... the choice is painfully obvious.
i prayed this morning.. and i begged god to finally let the sun shine for me..
only the day will tell.
<3