Journal 2: 10/5/02 - Positive Attitude
This journal kind of started on a negative note. Just so that you know, I am not a depressed psychopath. I guess I have very extreme moods. Sometimes, I get really sad and I feel like shit; other times, I feel very happy and I think about everything in a good way. Today is a good example. The past two years have had their ups and downs, but overall, they’ve had a general depressed feeling. After 9th Grade summer, which I have always considered the best time of my life, things just went downhill. All I would think about is how shitty things are and all the problems I have and how I wish things were like how they were during Ninth Grade summer. I would think horribly negatively. For example, I would think of scenarios about how I want the future to be, but then I would get depressed and think about how they will never happen and how impossible it is to be happy.
To give you an idea of how Ninth Grade summer was for me, here’s what I did everyday. I would wake up as late as I wanted (usually at around noon), then head over to Vignesh’s house. From there, we would walk around somewhere, usually go to the mall, or take the bus somewhere. We had everybody with us then. The whole old group that’s gone off to college now. We would all just run around and be crazy. Vignesh and I would do so many stupid things back then: licking moving vehicles, walking with our pants down, it was great. I guess life got more complicated after summer ended. All my friends started drifting apart, I could only hang out with certain people at a time, because they started hating each other, people started moving away, people stopped talking to me (and yes, THEY stopped talking to ME), not to mention a few mishaps with the law. After getting back from Juvenile Hall, everything seemed to be different. All my best friends that I knew so well and that I had spent all that time with had all changed. They all had new lives and all seemed to have moved on without me. From then on, I only hung out with certain friends: my best friends. I gradually disconnected myself from everybody, and soon, I was not much different from a recluse. Then, my attitude started deteriorating along with my social life. I thought about horribly sad and depressing things. Friends stopped hanging out with me. I got myself caught in a kind of downward spiral, although I hate using terms like that. So, I’ve basically been thinking negatively for two years. And my friends have been doing the same.
But today was different. For the first time in almost two years, I started thinking positively. I thought, “Y’know, for the past two years, I have only been thinking about how bad everything is and how the future is going to be bad and how the things I want to happen are never going to. Why do I think like that? Why do I feel bad all the time?” And then I began thinking about the good things that I want to happen in the future and how I’m going to make them happen. I stopped dwelling on the past and started looking toward the future - this time, with an optimistic attitude.
Note: Add hyper and outgoing to optimistic (my current mood).
To give you an idea of how Ninth Grade summer was for me, here’s what I did everyday. I would wake up as late as I wanted (usually at around noon), then head over to Vignesh’s house. From there, we would walk around somewhere, usually go to the mall, or take the bus somewhere. We had everybody with us then. The whole old group that’s gone off to college now. We would all just run around and be crazy. Vignesh and I would do so many stupid things back then: licking moving vehicles, walking with our pants down, it was great. I guess life got more complicated after summer ended. All my friends started drifting apart, I could only hang out with certain people at a time, because they started hating each other, people started moving away, people stopped talking to me (and yes, THEY stopped talking to ME), not to mention a few mishaps with the law. After getting back from Juvenile Hall, everything seemed to be different. All my best friends that I knew so well and that I had spent all that time with had all changed. They all had new lives and all seemed to have moved on without me. From then on, I only hung out with certain friends: my best friends. I gradually disconnected myself from everybody, and soon, I was not much different from a recluse. Then, my attitude started deteriorating along with my social life. I thought about horribly sad and depressing things. Friends stopped hanging out with me. I got myself caught in a kind of downward spiral, although I hate using terms like that. So, I’ve basically been thinking negatively for two years. And my friends have been doing the same.
But today was different. For the first time in almost two years, I started thinking positively. I thought, “Y’know, for the past two years, I have only been thinking about how bad everything is and how the future is going to be bad and how the things I want to happen are never going to. Why do I think like that? Why do I feel bad all the time?” And then I began thinking about the good things that I want to happen in the future and how I’m going to make them happen. I stopped dwelling on the past and started looking toward the future - this time, with an optimistic attitude.
Note: Add hyper and outgoing to optimistic (my current mood).