sick in more ways than one.
I should just go die now.
i suck at life.
nonono not because i listen to tcd on my free time.
but because i hate that i dont take risks...and i wish i was the kind of person who took risks. I probably know about 2 people who are like that. And its not like i look up to them or anything like that but Ive seen what they get when they do take risks...they get what they want. I know..ive done it maybe once...and i got what i want.
In poetry we're reading about Death. We read a poem that made me think. Yes, think. And life is a bitch. Its not like i cant wait for death..cus thats what basically the poem was about...BUT Life is just a thing you go through before the big picture...death. Like there is something after you die...what is it? no fuckin clue..ill just have to wait and see. But before we read the poem she asked us...are you afraid of death..i said yes. After the poem..she asked us the same question....it kind of scared me because if i would have stuck with my answer i know i would be lying to myself.
emo enough for you?
good. cus im not done...
Ive decided to just fuck it. *it* meaning people. *fuck* meaning forget. Not forget people..but what they say. I dont give a shit about putting the Ajax in the wrong place, leaving my toothbrush on the sink, or not putting the hangers in the hall closet when they're not being used in my closet. Yes, i would be lying to you..again..if i added in "going to see the city drive and all the other bands i like" Maybe thats whats important to me right now...is that sad? hey, im 18. Music is my life right now. Its what doesnt change EVER. I can repeat the same songs over and over and over again and it will ALWAYS make me feel the same way.
still not done...
Friends...i <3 my friends to the max..but there are some things they can help me with. I hear the same things from everyone. The same advice...dont get me wrong..i love it all..i love that they listen to me and help me out...i just need to do it on my own. Maybe i need to hear it from the person im writing this to. Or a "its okay, its not your fault" "good job" "im proud of you" something along those lines. I try SO fucking hard to please the person i wish i was close to but i cant. You know, its like..the circle ana, larissa and i are trying to get into...we're there..and we're just peeping into it..we need that little push to hop into the circle. But when we get that push (opportunity) my foot slips and i fall. The other day...i will never forget this...I made dinner and i sat down to eat and she tells me...what about the butter...or something like that...and i got up to get it and she said something like "youre not doing your job" or something like that. Like i said before...I dont care about what i ate yesterday, or what i wore, or that i forgot to bring out the butter...but when she said something along those lines...it was a fuckin stab in the chest. I feel guilty for going out. When i went out with ana and them the next day mom was like "did dad take you out to drive? oh no thats right you were out all day and night"
to her its always oweing someone something...you cant just do something for the hell of it. You have to remember what you did so when you want something you remember....oh..remember when i did this for you?
School's a bitch. Hate it. if i had the chance..i would be homeschooled. I dont care about prom, grad night, or anything like that. why? Im just one of those girls that would rather have a pungee night than go to prom. hahaha okay maybe im being bitter cus i dont have a date. And if i had one i would totally have a different opinion about prom. Grad night? ehhhhhhh...its at our school. lame. yes? Cant i just go to Santa Barbara and stay up till 3am at rachel's house? again.
Why i hate school you asked? many reasons. teachers dont know how to teach, teenagers are so annoying, i hate drama, and i like it when i have at least 10 hours of sleep a night.
i srsly wanna move out. but i cant. Im so poor, no experience in any kind of job what-so-ever and i would be hated by my parents for wanting to leave. They would put this guilt trip on me.
Mr. Lee asked me the other day about how my stomach was...i said its been better but only because my grades have been better. He then asked me how i got it in the first place...i told him nerves...he asked me...from what? my mom i said. It just kinda came out with no trouble...like i was waiting for someone that can do something to bring it up. it felt good. He sat me down and asked me if i was afraid of her...i knew the answer but i didnt want to answer so quickly because then he would think i just said it and not think about it..but believe me..ive thought about it. Im not so much afraid of HER but of what she can do to me..not in a physical way but mental. Her words are cruel. Her thoughts are probably worse which makes me sad. But it seems like she does say whats in her head cus it can be really cruel. If she doesnt, damn. Some people...larissa...maybe might think...okay shes not that bad...maybe shes not...but words hurt. You dont say stuff she says to me. you just cant. Im not saying dont ever yell at me...no..thats stupid cus im a stupid girl and do retarted things but dont stop talking to me or use it against me later. It kinda makes her look bad. It makes her look well...stupid. Like shes saying....no you cant!!! but why? BECAUSE I SAID SO! I believe thats the most ridiculous thing you can ever say to someone. EVERYTHING she says revolves around that idea. Then why does it bother me so much? Cus she says it.
okay. NOW im done.
i suck at life.
nonono not because i listen to tcd on my free time.
but because i hate that i dont take risks...and i wish i was the kind of person who took risks. I probably know about 2 people who are like that. And its not like i look up to them or anything like that but Ive seen what they get when they do take risks...they get what they want. I know..ive done it maybe once...and i got what i want.
In poetry we're reading about Death. We read a poem that made me think. Yes, think. And life is a bitch. Its not like i cant wait for death..cus thats what basically the poem was about...BUT Life is just a thing you go through before the big picture...death. Like there is something after you die...what is it? no fuckin clue..ill just have to wait and see. But before we read the poem she asked us...are you afraid of death..i said yes. After the poem..she asked us the same question....it kind of scared me because if i would have stuck with my answer i know i would be lying to myself.
emo enough for you?
good. cus im not done...
Ive decided to just fuck it. *it* meaning people. *fuck* meaning forget. Not forget people..but what they say. I dont give a shit about putting the Ajax in the wrong place, leaving my toothbrush on the sink, or not putting the hangers in the hall closet when they're not being used in my closet. Yes, i would be lying to you..again..if i added in "going to see the city drive and all the other bands i like" Maybe thats whats important to me right now...is that sad? hey, im 18. Music is my life right now. Its what doesnt change EVER. I can repeat the same songs over and over and over again and it will ALWAYS make me feel the same way.
still not done...
Friends...i <3 my friends to the max..but there are some things they can help me with. I hear the same things from everyone. The same advice...dont get me wrong..i love it all..i love that they listen to me and help me out...i just need to do it on my own. Maybe i need to hear it from the person im writing this to. Or a "its okay, its not your fault" "good job" "im proud of you" something along those lines. I try SO fucking hard to please the person i wish i was close to but i cant. You know, its like..the circle ana, larissa and i are trying to get into...we're there..and we're just peeping into it..we need that little push to hop into the circle. But when we get that push (opportunity) my foot slips and i fall. The other day...i will never forget this...I made dinner and i sat down to eat and she tells me...what about the butter...or something like that...and i got up to get it and she said something like "youre not doing your job" or something like that. Like i said before...I dont care about what i ate yesterday, or what i wore, or that i forgot to bring out the butter...but when she said something along those lines...it was a fuckin stab in the chest. I feel guilty for going out. When i went out with ana and them the next day mom was like "did dad take you out to drive? oh no thats right you were out all day and night"
to her its always oweing someone something...you cant just do something for the hell of it. You have to remember what you did so when you want something you remember....oh..remember when i did this for you?
School's a bitch. Hate it. if i had the chance..i would be homeschooled. I dont care about prom, grad night, or anything like that. why? Im just one of those girls that would rather have a pungee night than go to prom. hahaha okay maybe im being bitter cus i dont have a date. And if i had one i would totally have a different opinion about prom. Grad night? ehhhhhhh...its at our school. lame. yes? Cant i just go to Santa Barbara and stay up till 3am at rachel's house? again.
Why i hate school you asked? many reasons. teachers dont know how to teach, teenagers are so annoying, i hate drama, and i like it when i have at least 10 hours of sleep a night.
i srsly wanna move out. but i cant. Im so poor, no experience in any kind of job what-so-ever and i would be hated by my parents for wanting to leave. They would put this guilt trip on me.
Mr. Lee asked me the other day about how my stomach was...i said its been better but only because my grades have been better. He then asked me how i got it in the first place...i told him nerves...he asked me...from what? my mom i said. It just kinda came out with no trouble...like i was waiting for someone that can do something to bring it up. it felt good. He sat me down and asked me if i was afraid of her...i knew the answer but i didnt want to answer so quickly because then he would think i just said it and not think about it..but believe me..ive thought about it. Im not so much afraid of HER but of what she can do to me..not in a physical way but mental. Her words are cruel. Her thoughts are probably worse which makes me sad. But it seems like she does say whats in her head cus it can be really cruel. If she doesnt, damn. Some people...larissa...maybe might think...okay shes not that bad...maybe shes not...but words hurt. You dont say stuff she says to me. you just cant. Im not saying dont ever yell at me...no..thats stupid cus im a stupid girl and do retarted things but dont stop talking to me or use it against me later. It kinda makes her look bad. It makes her look well...stupid. Like shes saying....no you cant!!! but why? BECAUSE I SAID SO! I believe thats the most ridiculous thing you can ever say to someone. EVERYTHING she says revolves around that idea. Then why does it bother me so much? Cus she says it.
okay. NOW im done.