(no subject)
guh. bad day. it's been a week of just feeling wholly unappreciated in general...and i was just trying to grow a thicker skin about it but failing. So today at work stupid little things got to me a lot more than they normally would have i guess. i've sort of given up on anyone being interested in seeking out my heart, but had sort of held out hope that if I threw myself into helping everyone around me and reaching out that maybe they might at least appreciate it. but not so much.
and then i came home to a passport in the mail with, of all things, the wrong GENDER printed in it. normally i think this would have sort of stroked my trans side and made me feel validated somehow...but today since i was already feeling sort of emotionally decimated it just dug up feelings of being a freak. and i haven't felt that way in a long time. i've been okay with my gender queerness...embraced my maleness. christ i spend 85 % of my day hearing what a good boy i am at working and loving it.and the first thing i thought of was how many guys who's journals i've read on line who would KILL to have a bit of good luck like that; to not have to fight to get a legal document with an "M" vs. an "F". but all i could think of was how unsafe i would feel travelling outside the country with an M on my passport, knowing i don't pass more that 50% of the time...feeling like i'd be at risk.
so i guess i'm going to have to get it corrected; although i could claim ignorance and carry my birth cert with if i ever got questioned. ugh. whatever. i'm just fucked up today and i really wish i had someone to wish i was okay and give me a hug.
and then i came home to a passport in the mail with, of all things, the wrong GENDER printed in it. normally i think this would have sort of stroked my trans side and made me feel validated somehow...but today since i was already feeling sort of emotionally decimated it just dug up feelings of being a freak. and i haven't felt that way in a long time. i've been okay with my gender queerness...embraced my maleness. christ i spend 85 % of my day hearing what a good boy i am at working and loving it.and the first thing i thought of was how many guys who's journals i've read on line who would KILL to have a bit of good luck like that; to not have to fight to get a legal document with an "M" vs. an "F". but all i could think of was how unsafe i would feel travelling outside the country with an M on my passport, knowing i don't pass more that 50% of the time...feeling like i'd be at risk.
so i guess i'm going to have to get it corrected; although i could claim ignorance and carry my birth cert with if i ever got questioned. ugh. whatever. i'm just fucked up today and i really wish i had someone to wish i was okay and give me a hug.