Wow
So Shannon and Silvia suddenly friended me? Hmmm. Locals... with livejournals. Crazy. Crazy, crazy. Heh. Do you like the Elise reference? Well, it's a reference because the word 'locals' makes me think of her, and her poem. Perhaps Infinity. 'Watch the locals dance...' - Wow. Remind me how strange it is that these sort of things just pop up in my head. Cough. >.>
Um. So let me elaborate. I'm gonna tell you the long story that should clarify my whining about stuff and being worried about Elise disliking me, or something. Chronological order, here we go!
I went to the New Years party (Death Cab For Cutie: So this is the new year?) at Lisa H's. That was a lot of fun. I hadn't seen Elise in well over two weeks, and I was dying because of it. So, I saw her and she saw me, and we hugged each other, and I never felt so relieved to just... be with someone. It was an incredible feeling to see Elise again. Sooooooo - we finally exchanged gifts like we had been talking about doing for days and days. I gave her the journal everyone knows about, and she... Well, she gave me one of her rings. *grin*
Now, before you go "So?" let me explain. Elise's rings mean a great deal to her. It's not the monetary value, or the way they look - it's the story behind them. Who she got what from, where, when; it all adds up into this great story or moment or whatever. And Elise's rings mean A LOT to her. Like, a lot, a lot. So much, in fact, that I can't even convey through words how much they mean to her. There. Yeah. That sounds right.
So, to sum up, she gave me a ring. I couldn't even handle it. I was beyond words. And still am... maybe in a few weeks I can relate to you how meaningful this is. Which, in some ways, should be misleading to me... but it isn't, I guess.
Yeah! We spent New Years Eve together. No one was really happy about the new year. Sara was sulking/being funny/playing a harmonica all at once. Lisa was kind of distraught by Stephanies comments concerning Dr. Phil. Kevin was sad because I wouldn't have sex with him. Elise was... Well, Elise and I were talking by the piano, and she doesn't like the new sky as much as I do. Oh well. We'll figure something out. Change is constant though, that much is for sure. I think I've truly come to terms with it too. Not death, but change. Le sigh. We'll see what the future holds.
So yeah - new year was nice. I love being in Elise's company. Her, Sara, and myself all sat around together for a while. I like it when I can find a balance between being affectionate and friendly with Elise while still talking to Sara and not getting scoffed at or called emo. It's like... whenever it's just us three (or four if Miller's about) talking - that's amazing. Sara's difficult to catch in a good mood, and even harder still a mood where she's just happy enough to tolerate you, and not happy enough to laugh at every single thing you do when you're trying to be serious. So New Years Eve was a good "Sara Night" for me. Haha. :P
Didn't get to talk to Shannon much. Ilana was there too. She gave me a few weird looks. Didn't like that.
Everyone left. Lisa and I sat around and talked for a while. I learned that girl is ridiculously smart, even with the language barrier. She speaks english perfectly, she just doesn't have an extremely advanced vocabulary. If she did? Man, the things I'm sure she'd say. Point is: Lisa is amazingly cool. Smart. Enjoys literature and art. Chess, even. THE BEATLES. Classical music. Amazing. That's a 10 in my book.
Her dad drove me home. He has a cool car. I got home and went to bed, I think, after wishing all my fellow Vaxians a happy new year.
The next day I spoke to Elise. This is where things kind of explode beyond my control. Perhaps I should go back in time for a second. Well, on New Years Eve, Elise and I were ... I dunno. We were just sitting together, as we're in the habit of doing. Sara looked up at us, all incredulous and what-not, and was like "Why aren't you guys going out?" I grinned, of course, before inclining my head over toward Elise and saying something like "Because someone doesn't reciprocate my feelings..." in a as funny and NON-upsetting way as I could possibly offer. She rolled her eyes at me, and said: "I'm gonna kill you." - something to that effect. All good fun. But by the end of the night, or early next morning, Sara's words had me thinking.
Why weren't we going out?
So, like always, I go straight to the root of the problem. I asked Elise to confirm she didn't feel anything for me, for the sake of putting my mind at ease. She said she couldn't begin to answer that. Stubborn as ever, I forced it out of her. Not physically, mind you, because I would sooner burn myself to death 100 times over than to hurt, or so much as make uncomfortable, Elise in any way, shape, or form. So that's that.
Her answer?
Ever since that night, the greatest of my life (I determined this the day after it happened, and wrote about it, somewhere), where we spent something like four straight hours just talking and laying in her bed - she's felt something. Funny enough, that's the night she told me she loved me. As a friend. I don't think she loves me in any other regard now either, but that's not important. Felt something. That was all I needed to launch my barrage of questions. Sometimes I hate being me, in that respect.
So we got around to the subject of ... why nothing was going from where it was, or something like that. She detailed to me her feelings concerning our friendship. First of all, you have to understand that Elise and I share an amazing relationship. It's more than a friendship, but it's not quite romantic either. It's affectionate, but in no way sexual. It's comfortable. I like it a lot. I love our friendship, in fact. That's why I couldn't argue with her when she said she didn't want that to be ruined in the end. I wasn't bold enough to say, or pretend, that if we went out, when it was all over we'd still be as good of friends. Everyone wishes they could do that, but we all know it's bullshit to pretend. So, I couldn't argue that our friendship would last through it. What DOES bother me though, is how sure she is that it would have to survive through anything. Why do we always have to skip how wonderful the experience might be, or would be for a fact, and jump to the "What if's"??? Elise treats our interaction as though it's a certainty that if we go out, we'll break up. I'm not saying it's gonna be forever, she's probably right... But why be so pessimistic? It tears me apart. It's the only think keeping us apart. If only she would believe in me, that we could make something of this, maybe she wouldn't assume it would all end in a big mess just because a lot of her other relationships have.
Anyway -- as if that's not enough to make me sulk, there's more. Miller has, or had, feelings for me. Elise would never date me for that reason alone, out of consideration for Miller. Stephanie (Miller) told me that she didn't, last night. She said she didn't like me anymore. I said it was bullshit, and her trying to help me and Elise... I dunno. Be together, or some shit like that, because she'd rather see us happy than be satisfied in knowing we're not together. I dunno. She said it was no BS, and that she didn't really feel anything. So that's one less thing to worry about, more or less.
Andy. God. Fuck that kid. Elise is still recovering from The Dorian Mode Experience (Nor do I blame her for having to recover from it). That's what I've titled it, since that kid's name alone irritates the hell out of me. The terms "asshole" and "sex-fiend" come to mind often. That's all I have to say about the guy.
She doen't want to become another Martina. Pff. Elise doesn't have the NERVE Martina does. Nor the malice, nor the cruelty in her heart. Wait. Martina has a heart? Oh, right that black lump of coal, or something similar. Point is, Elise is far, far too considerate and selfess to ever do what Martina did to me. I haven't even detailed to her some of the more disturbing things Martina's decided to say/do/show me. So.. not an issue, I hope.
And, in general, she's just apprehensive. Maybe because I care about her as much as I do. I'm not sure. But I don't hold that against her either.
So! Let's see the grand total, for things working against my relationship with Elise!
1.) Friendship (her and I)
2.) Stephanie Miller (tied into the friendship issue)
3.) The Dorian Mode (Luke also falls under here)
4.) Becoming Martina (I'll keep this on the further my point)
5.) General Apprehension
Hmmmmm. You know what's the most irritating thing about all that? Any one of those reasons, ALL on it's own, is enough to keep us apart. I've got five. Wow. Hope? Yeah, diminishing. In fact, just writing all this has depressed me... a lot. Wow. I hadn't even thought all this through together, at once, before writing it down. This is fucking obnoxious. My situation, my circumstance, fucking irritates me. I'm gonna go do something stupid, like work out a lot or hit something hard or cry. I hate emo, by the way, but nothing feels more appropriate. What a horrible day this is now going to be. Sorry. I'm cutting this length entry short. Bye...
*disappears to go ... clean up the emotional train wreck he is*
Um. So let me elaborate. I'm gonna tell you the long story that should clarify my whining about stuff and being worried about Elise disliking me, or something. Chronological order, here we go!
I went to the New Years party (Death Cab For Cutie: So this is the new year?) at Lisa H's. That was a lot of fun. I hadn't seen Elise in well over two weeks, and I was dying because of it. So, I saw her and she saw me, and we hugged each other, and I never felt so relieved to just... be with someone. It was an incredible feeling to see Elise again. Sooooooo - we finally exchanged gifts like we had been talking about doing for days and days. I gave her the journal everyone knows about, and she... Well, she gave me one of her rings. *grin*
Now, before you go "So?" let me explain. Elise's rings mean a great deal to her. It's not the monetary value, or the way they look - it's the story behind them. Who she got what from, where, when; it all adds up into this great story or moment or whatever. And Elise's rings mean A LOT to her. Like, a lot, a lot. So much, in fact, that I can't even convey through words how much they mean to her. There. Yeah. That sounds right.
So, to sum up, she gave me a ring. I couldn't even handle it. I was beyond words. And still am... maybe in a few weeks I can relate to you how meaningful this is. Which, in some ways, should be misleading to me... but it isn't, I guess.
Yeah! We spent New Years Eve together. No one was really happy about the new year. Sara was sulking/being funny/playing a harmonica all at once. Lisa was kind of distraught by Stephanies comments concerning Dr. Phil. Kevin was sad because I wouldn't have sex with him. Elise was... Well, Elise and I were talking by the piano, and she doesn't like the new sky as much as I do. Oh well. We'll figure something out. Change is constant though, that much is for sure. I think I've truly come to terms with it too. Not death, but change. Le sigh. We'll see what the future holds.
So yeah - new year was nice. I love being in Elise's company. Her, Sara, and myself all sat around together for a while. I like it when I can find a balance between being affectionate and friendly with Elise while still talking to Sara and not getting scoffed at or called emo. It's like... whenever it's just us three (or four if Miller's about) talking - that's amazing. Sara's difficult to catch in a good mood, and even harder still a mood where she's just happy enough to tolerate you, and not happy enough to laugh at every single thing you do when you're trying to be serious. So New Years Eve was a good "Sara Night" for me. Haha. :P
Didn't get to talk to Shannon much. Ilana was there too. She gave me a few weird looks. Didn't like that.
Everyone left. Lisa and I sat around and talked for a while. I learned that girl is ridiculously smart, even with the language barrier. She speaks english perfectly, she just doesn't have an extremely advanced vocabulary. If she did? Man, the things I'm sure she'd say. Point is: Lisa is amazingly cool. Smart. Enjoys literature and art. Chess, even. THE BEATLES. Classical music. Amazing. That's a 10 in my book.
Her dad drove me home. He has a cool car. I got home and went to bed, I think, after wishing all my fellow Vaxians a happy new year.
The next day I spoke to Elise. This is where things kind of explode beyond my control. Perhaps I should go back in time for a second. Well, on New Years Eve, Elise and I were ... I dunno. We were just sitting together, as we're in the habit of doing. Sara looked up at us, all incredulous and what-not, and was like "Why aren't you guys going out?" I grinned, of course, before inclining my head over toward Elise and saying something like "Because someone doesn't reciprocate my feelings..." in a as funny and NON-upsetting way as I could possibly offer. She rolled her eyes at me, and said: "I'm gonna kill you." - something to that effect. All good fun. But by the end of the night, or early next morning, Sara's words had me thinking.
Why weren't we going out?
So, like always, I go straight to the root of the problem. I asked Elise to confirm she didn't feel anything for me, for the sake of putting my mind at ease. She said she couldn't begin to answer that. Stubborn as ever, I forced it out of her. Not physically, mind you, because I would sooner burn myself to death 100 times over than to hurt, or so much as make uncomfortable, Elise in any way, shape, or form. So that's that.
Her answer?
Ever since that night, the greatest of my life (I determined this the day after it happened, and wrote about it, somewhere), where we spent something like four straight hours just talking and laying in her bed - she's felt something. Funny enough, that's the night she told me she loved me. As a friend. I don't think she loves me in any other regard now either, but that's not important. Felt something. That was all I needed to launch my barrage of questions. Sometimes I hate being me, in that respect.
So we got around to the subject of ... why nothing was going from where it was, or something like that. She detailed to me her feelings concerning our friendship. First of all, you have to understand that Elise and I share an amazing relationship. It's more than a friendship, but it's not quite romantic either. It's affectionate, but in no way sexual. It's comfortable. I like it a lot. I love our friendship, in fact. That's why I couldn't argue with her when she said she didn't want that to be ruined in the end. I wasn't bold enough to say, or pretend, that if we went out, when it was all over we'd still be as good of friends. Everyone wishes they could do that, but we all know it's bullshit to pretend. So, I couldn't argue that our friendship would last through it. What DOES bother me though, is how sure she is that it would have to survive through anything. Why do we always have to skip how wonderful the experience might be, or would be for a fact, and jump to the "What if's"??? Elise treats our interaction as though it's a certainty that if we go out, we'll break up. I'm not saying it's gonna be forever, she's probably right... But why be so pessimistic? It tears me apart. It's the only think keeping us apart. If only she would believe in me, that we could make something of this, maybe she wouldn't assume it would all end in a big mess just because a lot of her other relationships have.
Anyway -- as if that's not enough to make me sulk, there's more. Miller has, or had, feelings for me. Elise would never date me for that reason alone, out of consideration for Miller. Stephanie (Miller) told me that she didn't, last night. She said she didn't like me anymore. I said it was bullshit, and her trying to help me and Elise... I dunno. Be together, or some shit like that, because she'd rather see us happy than be satisfied in knowing we're not together. I dunno. She said it was no BS, and that she didn't really feel anything. So that's one less thing to worry about, more or less.
Andy. God. Fuck that kid. Elise is still recovering from The Dorian Mode Experience (Nor do I blame her for having to recover from it). That's what I've titled it, since that kid's name alone irritates the hell out of me. The terms "asshole" and "sex-fiend" come to mind often. That's all I have to say about the guy.
She doen't want to become another Martina. Pff. Elise doesn't have the NERVE Martina does. Nor the malice, nor the cruelty in her heart. Wait. Martina has a heart? Oh, right that black lump of coal, or something similar. Point is, Elise is far, far too considerate and selfess to ever do what Martina did to me. I haven't even detailed to her some of the more disturbing things Martina's decided to say/do/show me. So.. not an issue, I hope.
And, in general, she's just apprehensive. Maybe because I care about her as much as I do. I'm not sure. But I don't hold that against her either.
So! Let's see the grand total, for things working against my relationship with Elise!
1.) Friendship (her and I)
2.) Stephanie Miller (tied into the friendship issue)
3.) The Dorian Mode (Luke also falls under here)
4.) Becoming Martina (I'll keep this on the further my point)
5.) General Apprehension
Hmmmmm. You know what's the most irritating thing about all that? Any one of those reasons, ALL on it's own, is enough to keep us apart. I've got five. Wow. Hope? Yeah, diminishing. In fact, just writing all this has depressed me... a lot. Wow. I hadn't even thought all this through together, at once, before writing it down. This is fucking obnoxious. My situation, my circumstance, fucking irritates me. I'm gonna go do something stupid, like work out a lot or hit something hard or cry. I hate emo, by the way, but nothing feels more appropriate. What a horrible day this is now going to be. Sorry. I'm cutting this length entry short. Bye...
*disappears to go ... clean up the emotional train wreck he is*