(no subject)
I haven't forgotten my LJ, i've just haven't been using it. I turned to writing in a log book to get my feelings and thoughts down, I guess I didn't want certain people to discover my LJ, but alas, things are going south, so now I'm not really caring what goes on or what happens. So, almost a year and a half since my last real post, lots has happened. I got married in June to Angela. Things were going well through when we got married and continued to go well for about a month or two until after we got married.
That's when the financial situation began to become a problem. Arguements about working and doing things, arguments about who she was choosing to hang out with, arguments about how we never do anything, and nothing on her behalf to help the situation. I used to sit there and think to myself, why doesn't she do anything to help, why does she just sit around all day. So naturally, when I begin to think these things, I begin to get more and more upset with her. Well, time goes on, she begins to get angry all the time over stupid shit, and of course, how do I respond? I get upset that she's getting angry over stupid shit and getting offended by things people are saying/thinking that shouldn't even matter. I mean, come on, who cares what someone else says? The only thing that should matter is what the truth is, and as long as you know what the truth is, then everything is good, right? WRONG! Everything is not good even if you know the truth. So this whole concept begins to baffle me. I begin to wonder and think hard about why people, someone, gets so upset about others opinions. And this goes on for months, from like Octoberish up until now, it is continuing to this day.
Well, as one could imagine, living with a person that has an attitude like that can become very frustrating. Not only frustrating, but it begins to take a toll on your emotional well being as well. Anyone who knows me can sit there and say w/o a doubt that when things start going south, I start to sleep, a lot. Now you may sit there and think, that's ok, it's ok to get upset and want to sleep, but when I say a lot, I mean wanting to sleep 12-14hrs a day. Basically goto work, come home and sleep, until I have to go back to work. That's my way of dealing with a problem that the other party doesn't want to do anything to fix. So I begin to live this way, and do it for a while until something has to be done about my financial situation. This is how bad it was, I bring home $3400 a month and couldn't make ends meet. SOmething wrong there? I'd say so, so I went and got a second job. Low and behold, what happens, I stop sleeping so much, start sleeping like 6-8hrs a night again, normal sleep schedules. Think about why that happened, I'm at work with the navy for 9-11hrs a day, then circuit city for 4-8hrs a day, I'm paying off debt, working my way out of the hole I'm in, things are looking up on the financial front, so I begin to come out of the slump. Well, just before Christmas, I get told that I can quit and that she'll get a job, so I do. Does she get a job? No, she goes to Kentucky with this gentleman, who we will call Racer X, no.... Racer X was cool, this guy is not. Lets see, need a name, need a name, need a name, need a name, AH! Mufasa, cause he was a douche bag. So, she goes to Kentucky with Mufasa. When did she goto KY you may ask, well let me tell you, the first transation for KY posted to the checking account December 16th 2008. When did she come home? Heh, not for Christmas, nope, I definately spent Christmas alone, even though I made sure she had money to come home. No, she didn't decide that it was time to come home until January 1st, 2009, she comes rolling in the door about 7am, I had the day off so I was waiting up for her to get home. So she has me help her bring things up from the car, and I do. She finally sits down, and pulls out the camera to show me pictures. What does she show me.
Well let me tell you what she shows me. She showed me pictures of Her and Mufasa, him in his dress blues and her in a wedding dress. Not only that, but they were arm and arm, and she was holding a Calla Lily bouquet, her favorite flower. Not only does she show me that picture, she shows me a picture of a wedding cake, the flower girls, Her and Mufasa and his grandpa, and whats the story to go with the pictures. It was mufasa's sisters wedding, and the theme was that everyone had to wear their wedding dresses. So i'm like, can I see the other pictures of the wedding, and she's like, I have to clear out the camera, cause there's other pictures on there that she(mufasa's sister) doesn't want anyone to see. i.e. she had her take pictures of her for her new husband that hadn't been deleted from the camera. No problem, I respect that, I can respect someone elses privacy and their intimate pictures. So, she pulls the memory card out of the camera, sticks it in her purse, and then puts the camera away. I get home from work the next day and ask if she had a chance to go through the pictures yet and delete the ones that I wasn't supposed to see. Whats the answer? Yeah, lemme get the memory card. So she proceeds to dig through her purse, and can't seem to find that blasted memory card. Ok, w/e, it will show up, eventually. So, the next week I take her to FL so she can see her grandparents and we can get our presents from them. Well, it comes time for me to head back to SC because I have to go back to work, so, she tells me that she's staying in FL and I can come back to get her when I can, in other words, when my work schedule permits me to. So, begrudgingly I leave her in FL and make the drive back to SC by myself. Keeping track of the time? She was gone for half of december, home for 2 weeks, and now she's in florida for a week. Wants to spend tons of time with me, huh? Strange, I know. So, i pick her up and bring her back and it's like the first week of February now, and I have my tax shit together so I take it over to H&R Block to have my taxes prepared for me. Well that happened on a sunday, and she's like I'm going to church with the dudes step-mom. We'll call this new dude.... name, name, name, name, name, Gaston, because he was a douche bag too(like the disney theme?). So, she goes to church with gastons step-mom, because apparentally she is friends with his step-mom, and I go off to have the taxes prepared.
Well, what haven't I brought up in this entry that has had a problem with it. Nothing, that's what, so here we go, the next problem. I get the taxes prepared, shoot her a text to stop by HR Block before 9pm to sign the return so they can send it off. Well, she doesn't do that, it's not on her list of priorities for that day even though she has been riding my ass since January 20th to get the taxes done which is supposed to be the day the military gets me my W2. Well, sunday comes to a close and I have to go back to work, I'm on mid-shift at this point, so I leave and goto work. I come home and she has me sit down, and starts to talk to me. Apparently, gaston tried to kill himself, and so she's been helping his stepmom with him during his recovery and rehab, and to help, she takes the two cockatiels to his step moms house, where he is apparently staying, w/e, they're not in my house anymore to annoy me, I'm liking this. So monday morning rolls around, and I get home from work and ask her to get up so we can go sign the taxes and get the return. Well, like I said, she sits me down to talk, and goes look, I know your upset that I've been spending a lot of time with him and that I'm still talking to him, but he needs me to help him through this, and once he's back on his feet, I'm done with him, I'll never talk to him again. The whole reason she's like I'll never talk to him again is because she's been telling me for the past several months that he's not right in the head and is stalking her and saying things like she's my fiancee and all that crap. So we get into an argument, and I'm just listening to her calmly while she proceeds to yell at me and say how I'm so rude and cold and don't want to give people a chance and all this garbage. So, I wait til we get in the car and the second the doors shut, I let loose. Everything that i've been holding in, I just start yelling at her at the top of my lungs, which I know is audible outside the car, and she just gets this deer in headlights look and stops talking. Well duh, she's never heard me yell like that before, and now she knows I'm pissed and I'm not playing around. So we continue to argue all the way to HR Block. I tell her that I have a surprise for her after we goto HR Block. She tries to guess it, I know what it was supposed to be, I was just going to take her to sign up for counseling, but she's like NO, you can't make me do that, and she's right, I can't. So I change the surprise from that to Pizza Hut, cause it's like almost 11am by this point and I'm freaking hungry. So, the entirety of our marriage and for a good part of the time we were engaged, she told me how much she didn't like my parents and was slowly but surely forcing me to choose, my family or her. She would make comments like, if you choose them you'll know where to find me, I just hope that when you realize that I'm the best thing to happen to you that I'll still be there waiting for you. So we get into this argument again on teh way to pizza hut.
Ya know what, i just took a break to get some waffle house, and while there, i started thinking about how pointless and trivial it all seems. But then I couldn't help but wonder what was so hard about just being faithful and honest with your husband. If you give someone everything they want and treat them like a princess, what's the difficulty in that situation? Nothing, if someone gives you everything you've ever wanted, then why fuck it up, why do stupid shit? It just doesn't make any sense, and that's the hardest part of a situation like this. Trying to wrap your mind around why someone would do that to another person is just mind boggling, and i'd have to imagine that it would hurt, a lot. Especially if the person that it was happening to was a sensitive person. I could easily see the aforementioned situation leading a person to try and drown their sorrows in alcohol. It's not like everyone gets married just because it's fun, most people get married because they love the other person, myself included. It's just so fucked up that someone could be like that. And with those comments, I leave you with a link.
The above section was written ~10weeks ago. The nutshell is, she cheated, went to KY and got married to Tony(mufasa), was engaged to Randy, and is now dating another guy she met while committed for "attempting suicide by holding a loaded gun to her head she borrowed from a friend" whom i later talked to and doesn't own any guns, just another lie to add on to the stack of the last two years of my life. On May 18th, the judge decided that I should retain possession of the apartment, which i've since broken the lease on and moved, the cars, and everything within the apartment. If all goes well, I can be completely single by July 17th(90 days from initial complaint in the courts). And since she cheated, and i have proof, it's an at fault divorce, and so I get everything and dont have to give her anything except half of the debt.
But that's all the past, everyday is a new day. A day to go out and venture into the world, discover myself again, lead the single life, act like a 23yr old and live life as such. And I do that, however, I continue to find myself with questions, not about her, but other things, and why the questions come the feelings losing my way and confusion. Add on top of those feelings, the want to not be alone, to be loved, to be somebody's someone. To care and be cared for by someone, that is what I seem to be wanting the most right now, and failing miserably at obtaining. I thought for a moment that I had it, but that fell through, and so here I am, yet again, lost. Lost and confused because everything fell through. And so i take each day anew, put the past behind me, and look forward to a bright future, a future which I completely control.
My closing thoughts for the night, I just wanted to thank Angela, not because you took my heart and crushed it, not because you lied to me for two years and used me, not because you pretended to love me, but because you made my life so miserable that I wound up in counseling. And because of that, I've learned more about myself in the 6weeks of counseling that I could have hoped to learn in 6 years. Now I get to grow, knowing more about myself that I could have ever imagined, and I get to make those changes in myself that are so crucial to becoming a well adjusted member of society. I finally understand the reasons why I act and feel the way I do, and it's not a personality disorder, it's not remnants of my childhood, it's something you'll never know, and something you'll never understand. I wish you the best in your life endeavors, and hope that you find that right person and stay faithful to them.
That's when the financial situation began to become a problem. Arguements about working and doing things, arguments about who she was choosing to hang out with, arguments about how we never do anything, and nothing on her behalf to help the situation. I used to sit there and think to myself, why doesn't she do anything to help, why does she just sit around all day. So naturally, when I begin to think these things, I begin to get more and more upset with her. Well, time goes on, she begins to get angry all the time over stupid shit, and of course, how do I respond? I get upset that she's getting angry over stupid shit and getting offended by things people are saying/thinking that shouldn't even matter. I mean, come on, who cares what someone else says? The only thing that should matter is what the truth is, and as long as you know what the truth is, then everything is good, right? WRONG! Everything is not good even if you know the truth. So this whole concept begins to baffle me. I begin to wonder and think hard about why people, someone, gets so upset about others opinions. And this goes on for months, from like Octoberish up until now, it is continuing to this day.
Well, as one could imagine, living with a person that has an attitude like that can become very frustrating. Not only frustrating, but it begins to take a toll on your emotional well being as well. Anyone who knows me can sit there and say w/o a doubt that when things start going south, I start to sleep, a lot. Now you may sit there and think, that's ok, it's ok to get upset and want to sleep, but when I say a lot, I mean wanting to sleep 12-14hrs a day. Basically goto work, come home and sleep, until I have to go back to work. That's my way of dealing with a problem that the other party doesn't want to do anything to fix. So I begin to live this way, and do it for a while until something has to be done about my financial situation. This is how bad it was, I bring home $3400 a month and couldn't make ends meet. SOmething wrong there? I'd say so, so I went and got a second job. Low and behold, what happens, I stop sleeping so much, start sleeping like 6-8hrs a night again, normal sleep schedules. Think about why that happened, I'm at work with the navy for 9-11hrs a day, then circuit city for 4-8hrs a day, I'm paying off debt, working my way out of the hole I'm in, things are looking up on the financial front, so I begin to come out of the slump. Well, just before Christmas, I get told that I can quit and that she'll get a job, so I do. Does she get a job? No, she goes to Kentucky with this gentleman, who we will call Racer X, no.... Racer X was cool, this guy is not. Lets see, need a name, need a name, need a name, need a name, AH! Mufasa, cause he was a douche bag. So, she goes to Kentucky with Mufasa. When did she goto KY you may ask, well let me tell you, the first transation for KY posted to the checking account December 16th 2008. When did she come home? Heh, not for Christmas, nope, I definately spent Christmas alone, even though I made sure she had money to come home. No, she didn't decide that it was time to come home until January 1st, 2009, she comes rolling in the door about 7am, I had the day off so I was waiting up for her to get home. So she has me help her bring things up from the car, and I do. She finally sits down, and pulls out the camera to show me pictures. What does she show me.
Well let me tell you what she shows me. She showed me pictures of Her and Mufasa, him in his dress blues and her in a wedding dress. Not only that, but they were arm and arm, and she was holding a Calla Lily bouquet, her favorite flower. Not only does she show me that picture, she shows me a picture of a wedding cake, the flower girls, Her and Mufasa and his grandpa, and whats the story to go with the pictures. It was mufasa's sisters wedding, and the theme was that everyone had to wear their wedding dresses. So i'm like, can I see the other pictures of the wedding, and she's like, I have to clear out the camera, cause there's other pictures on there that she(mufasa's sister) doesn't want anyone to see. i.e. she had her take pictures of her for her new husband that hadn't been deleted from the camera. No problem, I respect that, I can respect someone elses privacy and their intimate pictures. So, she pulls the memory card out of the camera, sticks it in her purse, and then puts the camera away. I get home from work the next day and ask if she had a chance to go through the pictures yet and delete the ones that I wasn't supposed to see. Whats the answer? Yeah, lemme get the memory card. So she proceeds to dig through her purse, and can't seem to find that blasted memory card. Ok, w/e, it will show up, eventually. So, the next week I take her to FL so she can see her grandparents and we can get our presents from them. Well, it comes time for me to head back to SC because I have to go back to work, so, she tells me that she's staying in FL and I can come back to get her when I can, in other words, when my work schedule permits me to. So, begrudgingly I leave her in FL and make the drive back to SC by myself. Keeping track of the time? She was gone for half of december, home for 2 weeks, and now she's in florida for a week. Wants to spend tons of time with me, huh? Strange, I know. So, i pick her up and bring her back and it's like the first week of February now, and I have my tax shit together so I take it over to H&R Block to have my taxes prepared for me. Well that happened on a sunday, and she's like I'm going to church with the dudes step-mom. We'll call this new dude.... name, name, name, name, name, Gaston, because he was a douche bag too(like the disney theme?). So, she goes to church with gastons step-mom, because apparentally she is friends with his step-mom, and I go off to have the taxes prepared.
Well, what haven't I brought up in this entry that has had a problem with it. Nothing, that's what, so here we go, the next problem. I get the taxes prepared, shoot her a text to stop by HR Block before 9pm to sign the return so they can send it off. Well, she doesn't do that, it's not on her list of priorities for that day even though she has been riding my ass since January 20th to get the taxes done which is supposed to be the day the military gets me my W2. Well, sunday comes to a close and I have to go back to work, I'm on mid-shift at this point, so I leave and goto work. I come home and she has me sit down, and starts to talk to me. Apparently, gaston tried to kill himself, and so she's been helping his stepmom with him during his recovery and rehab, and to help, she takes the two cockatiels to his step moms house, where he is apparently staying, w/e, they're not in my house anymore to annoy me, I'm liking this. So monday morning rolls around, and I get home from work and ask her to get up so we can go sign the taxes and get the return. Well, like I said, she sits me down to talk, and goes look, I know your upset that I've been spending a lot of time with him and that I'm still talking to him, but he needs me to help him through this, and once he's back on his feet, I'm done with him, I'll never talk to him again. The whole reason she's like I'll never talk to him again is because she's been telling me for the past several months that he's not right in the head and is stalking her and saying things like she's my fiancee and all that crap. So we get into an argument, and I'm just listening to her calmly while she proceeds to yell at me and say how I'm so rude and cold and don't want to give people a chance and all this garbage. So, I wait til we get in the car and the second the doors shut, I let loose. Everything that i've been holding in, I just start yelling at her at the top of my lungs, which I know is audible outside the car, and she just gets this deer in headlights look and stops talking. Well duh, she's never heard me yell like that before, and now she knows I'm pissed and I'm not playing around. So we continue to argue all the way to HR Block. I tell her that I have a surprise for her after we goto HR Block. She tries to guess it, I know what it was supposed to be, I was just going to take her to sign up for counseling, but she's like NO, you can't make me do that, and she's right, I can't. So I change the surprise from that to Pizza Hut, cause it's like almost 11am by this point and I'm freaking hungry. So, the entirety of our marriage and for a good part of the time we were engaged, she told me how much she didn't like my parents and was slowly but surely forcing me to choose, my family or her. She would make comments like, if you choose them you'll know where to find me, I just hope that when you realize that I'm the best thing to happen to you that I'll still be there waiting for you. So we get into this argument again on teh way to pizza hut.
Ya know what, i just took a break to get some waffle house, and while there, i started thinking about how pointless and trivial it all seems. But then I couldn't help but wonder what was so hard about just being faithful and honest with your husband. If you give someone everything they want and treat them like a princess, what's the difficulty in that situation? Nothing, if someone gives you everything you've ever wanted, then why fuck it up, why do stupid shit? It just doesn't make any sense, and that's the hardest part of a situation like this. Trying to wrap your mind around why someone would do that to another person is just mind boggling, and i'd have to imagine that it would hurt, a lot. Especially if the person that it was happening to was a sensitive person. I could easily see the aforementioned situation leading a person to try and drown their sorrows in alcohol. It's not like everyone gets married just because it's fun, most people get married because they love the other person, myself included. It's just so fucked up that someone could be like that. And with those comments, I leave you with a link.
The above section was written ~10weeks ago. The nutshell is, she cheated, went to KY and got married to Tony(mufasa), was engaged to Randy, and is now dating another guy she met while committed for "attempting suicide by holding a loaded gun to her head she borrowed from a friend" whom i later talked to and doesn't own any guns, just another lie to add on to the stack of the last two years of my life. On May 18th, the judge decided that I should retain possession of the apartment, which i've since broken the lease on and moved, the cars, and everything within the apartment. If all goes well, I can be completely single by July 17th(90 days from initial complaint in the courts). And since she cheated, and i have proof, it's an at fault divorce, and so I get everything and dont have to give her anything except half of the debt.
But that's all the past, everyday is a new day. A day to go out and venture into the world, discover myself again, lead the single life, act like a 23yr old and live life as such. And I do that, however, I continue to find myself with questions, not about her, but other things, and why the questions come the feelings losing my way and confusion. Add on top of those feelings, the want to not be alone, to be loved, to be somebody's someone. To care and be cared for by someone, that is what I seem to be wanting the most right now, and failing miserably at obtaining. I thought for a moment that I had it, but that fell through, and so here I am, yet again, lost. Lost and confused because everything fell through. And so i take each day anew, put the past behind me, and look forward to a bright future, a future which I completely control.
My closing thoughts for the night, I just wanted to thank Angela, not because you took my heart and crushed it, not because you lied to me for two years and used me, not because you pretended to love me, but because you made my life so miserable that I wound up in counseling. And because of that, I've learned more about myself in the 6weeks of counseling that I could have hoped to learn in 6 years. Now I get to grow, knowing more about myself that I could have ever imagined, and I get to make those changes in myself that are so crucial to becoming a well adjusted member of society. I finally understand the reasons why I act and feel the way I do, and it's not a personality disorder, it's not remnants of my childhood, it's something you'll never know, and something you'll never understand. I wish you the best in your life endeavors, and hope that you find that right person and stay faithful to them.