The Rememberance of Things Past
To be broken and falter, and to be pieced together again: this is the essence of humanity. In the days past I have felt burdened, sorrowed, overjoyed, ebullient and rested on some plane betwixt the good and the bad. I've learned a great deal about who I am, what I want, and what I fear. I've learned a great deal about people and the way we function, the way we lead our lives. I've learned a great deal about patience and about support. I've learned a great deal about love and parenting. I've learned a great deal about beliefs and mythology. I've learned a great deal about my future, and uncertainty. I've tumbled between college preferences, my mother and I spoke recently about where I wanted to attend college. Crying, I told her I didn't want to go to the East Coast, that I wanted to stay in Michigan, that I was afraid to lose everyone, and that it didn't make sense to pay so much for out of state tuition. She soothed me and told me that whatever I did she would be proud of me, that she never wanted to be the one that made me go but that she doesn't want to be the one who makes me stay. After believing for a day or so that I really did want to stay in Michigan, she spoke to me again. She told me, with the swell of tears in her voice, that she knew where I belong and what I wanted and what I was afraid of losing. I'm afraid to leave behind all those that I love, all those that I cherish, all the support. I'm afraid to leave behind the authentic fragrance and taste of my Grandmother's homecooked Pakistani meals. I'm afraid to leave behind the comfort of my Mother's eyes and the 7-11 musk of my Father's coat. But she is right. I'm an East Coast girl, I'm a West Coast girl, but I don't belong in this place. I love Michigan and I love the people here, and it's home for me, now. But eventually I will have to make a new home. And while that seems scary, I know I want to. I want to move, I want to meet new people, have new experiences, get used to a different weather pattern. I was afraid of being thrust into the world, alone and naked. But now, it seems to make perfect sense. There is no now but now, there is no later but later. And there is no reality but this one. You cannot shield yourself from it, you cannot invite it in infinitessimal bits. It is here, it is whole, and it is yours, and it is mine. And I want all of it. I want to be afraid, I want to love, I want to experience, I want to live. I want the East Coast air to breathe life into me. I want to West Coast shores to bath me. I want the dew-filled mornings of the East Coast, with the tender rememberance of here, of Michigan, of family and friends. I want not to wade into the future, but to allow it to engulf me. I want to live with the rememberance, always, of things past.