Tolerance for 2007
When we commit to New Years Resolutions why do we persist in making them all happen in January? Probably because we know by February that we'll be completely over it, and we'll be back on the beer/ice cream/nacho cheese Doritos/fags/cigarettes before Valentines Day. Nothing says "I love you" like giving up. But this year I haven't given up on my resolutions: I just clearly and plainly failed.
My New Years Resolution for 2007 was to help make a more tolerant society. I wanted to give something back. But I tell you, it's been tough. Mostly because the world is full of recalcitrant morons and retards.
Firstly I tried to apply my goals to my immediate area, and attempt to succeed with short-term goals. Or at least something that reads fancy, doesn't commit me to much actual work, and makes me sound like I'm using that Masters degree proper and that. This failed when I went to Northland shopping centre for the first time in 2007. Surely Melbourne's water restrictions have not yet extended to bans upon personal hygiene and a requirement to expose the tops of ones arse cheeks from ones falling pantalones cortos.
This wasn't helped when I visited the local JB Hifi centre to peruse the DVD areas for discounted films that were once considered cult classics, but are now referred to as "movies you must list on Myspace to build credibility where all other credibility is most likely lacking". My mission for tolerance hit a snag when I encountered one of the unwashed masses that absolutely got my goat, milked it, and served the curds old-school (the unwashed masses has a double meaning, since he was so fat. He could have tucked his shirt into his fat and then his fat into his fat and his fat into his pants if he was so neatly inclined. Or wearing a belt). The brute simply refused to bow to the rules of the video store shuffle - the movement you conduct when you are crossing paths with someone else whilst looking at racks of DVDs. You wait until you're both ready to move, and then move simultaneously with heads down to silently pass each other, and then continue your examination of the wares. Quite simply he did not move at all, blocking the section marked L-Q so that I could not check for a discount on the DVD of Lost in Translation (credibility check approved). I walked out in disgust, but deviously amused since I managed to slip into his back fat rolls one of those tags that beep when you walk out the door. They'd have been there for weeks trying to find it.
I decided to look more global. Which turned out to be better, because it would be hard to increase the tolerance level of the world one overcrowded suburban mall food court at one time (especially the ones whose 'healthier' options include deep frying the battered lettuce in olive oil rather than tallow and axle grease). I decided a round-table discussion would be best, because it gave everyone equal opportunity to use the lazy susan, which I find inequitable at a square, rectangular or diamond-table discussion, even when multiple susans are provided.
The guest list was hard to compile. Where are the players of yesteryear? What I wouldn't have given for a Desmond Tutu or a Boutros Boutros-Ghali. Even Kofi Annan was uncontactable since ending his tenure at the UN. But wasn't he great in To Sir, With Love? Or was that Sidney Poitier? Either way, they both look dynamite in a suit, and were both unavailable for my tolerance talks. Bono called me though. It's like he’s got some magical red iPod that allows him to hear whenever someone says "round-table discussion". I told him to fuck off.
After a lot of work I was able to finagle an assembly of religious leaders, who reportedly have been spruiking tolerance for many years (quite often whilst deriding certain social groups such as homosexuals, single mothers, and those who fight against other religious groups, in some kind of crusade, which is completely different from the ones in the 11th-13th Centuries because now we have Blackberrys). To compliment them I managed to obtain some of the greatest scientific minds of our age.
Unfortunately the talks on tolerance didn't progress positively. Firstly, a debate amongst the greatest scientific minds of our age had to be quelled by the UN and some asthma puffers (I believe you'll find the only things that came from this were the UN's recent report on global warming and an un-concluded discussion about how Jason Lee can play multiple characters with only slightly different facial hair in the View Askew Universe and Jay and Silent Bob don't seem to notice), Next, James Packer tried to hook up an E-meter to Pope Benedict. Jewish leader Matisyahu asked why James was testing thetans on Bilbo Baggins, which caused the Pope to leave, mumbling something about how he’d show them, precociousessess. Mel Gibson later arrived to take the Catholic chair on the table, and after a few beers was later heard calling Jesus a "bloody Jew". I gave him to the nerds; I mean greatest scientific minds of our age, to continue their discussion on Spiderman vs. Batman.
The rest of the conference didn't fare well either. Amongst all the commotion the Buddhists tried to get Stephen Hawking to help them trade National Bank shares online with his computer and Sheikh Taj el-Din al-Hilali said he tried to be tolerant but the Big Day Out took his Australian flag away.
I decided to take the remaining members of the discussion out for the day, just to say thank you for trying (and also because when you take Hawking for a drive you get an awesome parking spot) which was great until they kicked us out of the MCG for starting a Mexican Wave. Philistines. So much for fucking tolerance.
Here's to 2007.
My New Years Resolution for 2007 was to help make a more tolerant society. I wanted to give something back. But I tell you, it's been tough. Mostly because the world is full of recalcitrant morons and retards.
Firstly I tried to apply my goals to my immediate area, and attempt to succeed with short-term goals. Or at least something that reads fancy, doesn't commit me to much actual work, and makes me sound like I'm using that Masters degree proper and that. This failed when I went to Northland shopping centre for the first time in 2007. Surely Melbourne's water restrictions have not yet extended to bans upon personal hygiene and a requirement to expose the tops of ones arse cheeks from ones falling pantalones cortos.
This wasn't helped when I visited the local JB Hifi centre to peruse the DVD areas for discounted films that were once considered cult classics, but are now referred to as "movies you must list on Myspace to build credibility where all other credibility is most likely lacking". My mission for tolerance hit a snag when I encountered one of the unwashed masses that absolutely got my goat, milked it, and served the curds old-school (the unwashed masses has a double meaning, since he was so fat. He could have tucked his shirt into his fat and then his fat into his fat and his fat into his pants if he was so neatly inclined. Or wearing a belt). The brute simply refused to bow to the rules of the video store shuffle - the movement you conduct when you are crossing paths with someone else whilst looking at racks of DVDs. You wait until you're both ready to move, and then move simultaneously with heads down to silently pass each other, and then continue your examination of the wares. Quite simply he did not move at all, blocking the section marked L-Q so that I could not check for a discount on the DVD of Lost in Translation (credibility check approved). I walked out in disgust, but deviously amused since I managed to slip into his back fat rolls one of those tags that beep when you walk out the door. They'd have been there for weeks trying to find it.
I decided to look more global. Which turned out to be better, because it would be hard to increase the tolerance level of the world one overcrowded suburban mall food court at one time (especially the ones whose 'healthier' options include deep frying the battered lettuce in olive oil rather than tallow and axle grease). I decided a round-table discussion would be best, because it gave everyone equal opportunity to use the lazy susan, which I find inequitable at a square, rectangular or diamond-table discussion, even when multiple susans are provided.
The guest list was hard to compile. Where are the players of yesteryear? What I wouldn't have given for a Desmond Tutu or a Boutros Boutros-Ghali. Even Kofi Annan was uncontactable since ending his tenure at the UN. But wasn't he great in To Sir, With Love? Or was that Sidney Poitier? Either way, they both look dynamite in a suit, and were both unavailable for my tolerance talks. Bono called me though. It's like he’s got some magical red iPod that allows him to hear whenever someone says "round-table discussion". I told him to fuck off.
After a lot of work I was able to finagle an assembly of religious leaders, who reportedly have been spruiking tolerance for many years (quite often whilst deriding certain social groups such as homosexuals, single mothers, and those who fight against other religious groups, in some kind of crusade, which is completely different from the ones in the 11th-13th Centuries because now we have Blackberrys). To compliment them I managed to obtain some of the greatest scientific minds of our age.
Unfortunately the talks on tolerance didn't progress positively. Firstly, a debate amongst the greatest scientific minds of our age had to be quelled by the UN and some asthma puffers (I believe you'll find the only things that came from this were the UN's recent report on global warming and an un-concluded discussion about how Jason Lee can play multiple characters with only slightly different facial hair in the View Askew Universe and Jay and Silent Bob don't seem to notice), Next, James Packer tried to hook up an E-meter to Pope Benedict. Jewish leader Matisyahu asked why James was testing thetans on Bilbo Baggins, which caused the Pope to leave, mumbling something about how he’d show them, precociousessess. Mel Gibson later arrived to take the Catholic chair on the table, and after a few beers was later heard calling Jesus a "bloody Jew". I gave him to the nerds; I mean greatest scientific minds of our age, to continue their discussion on Spiderman vs. Batman.
The rest of the conference didn't fare well either. Amongst all the commotion the Buddhists tried to get Stephen Hawking to help them trade National Bank shares online with his computer and Sheikh Taj el-Din al-Hilali said he tried to be tolerant but the Big Day Out took his Australian flag away.
I decided to take the remaining members of the discussion out for the day, just to say thank you for trying (and also because when you take Hawking for a drive you get an awesome parking spot) which was great until they kicked us out of the MCG for starting a Mexican Wave. Philistines. So much for fucking tolerance.
Here's to 2007.